Word Vomit #3

talking to myself, as usual

I’ve been feeling better these days. It’s -- interesting. Interesting because other people see it, too. People even congratulate me on my apparent happiness. I’m a bit scared. I know happiness is fleeting, just like all the other emotions. This feels different from “happiness” though. Should I say it feels more like “security”? I feel better -- with myself, with the person I am, and the person I see in the mirror. I’ve never experienced this feeling before. It almost feels like a high. Euphoria? I don’t owe this to myself entirely. The kindness of the people around me and their patience has taught me to be gentler with myself. 

 

            I’m still tired. I’m still lost. I have a lot to do and a lot to figure out, especially career-wise and with school. But I feel better. I’m taking that. 

 

            I’ve been slacking at the gym for the past few weeks or so. I blame the cold weather and the holiday season with all the carbs and sweets. (Excuses, of course.) I haven’t not gone, I just haven’t been as adamant and consistent as before. I’ll get back to it. 

 

            January is coming. January’s been a rough month for me for the past few years. No idea why. But I’m aware of it now, so maybe I can stray from the self-fulfilling prophecy a little bit… It makes me a little anxious, though. 

 

I didn’t expect the last few months of 2018 to be so experiential, but it’s definitely developed my character. I’d go into detail but I’m feeling a bit revved up from the two iced coffees I had earlier today. I’ll be boarding a plane in the next 30 minutes or so. Gonna try to make the most of this impromptu trip to San Francisco! Haven’t been in a while. 

 

This may or may not be my last post for the year, so. Til next time. 

 

With love,

Catherine