It's Like a War Inside My Head

Michelle

Once we were done at the beach we drive back to our cabin. We get dressed out of our bathingsuits and then spend time relaxing in front of the television.

Our parents tell us they're going out for dinner and will be back around nine. So basically my parents and I would be walking through the door at the same time. Jen will stay with my brother, Kyle, while I'll be off struggling against my cramps and headaches alone.

~~~

I sit in my room, separated from my sibilings, staring at my suitcase with my clothes neatly packed. Light comes through the window to my left, illuminating my whole room. My hair was still wet from swimming at the beach, I hadn't bothered to dry it. I would have to do that before I went to the party tonight.

Butterflies fluttered in my stomach as I reached for the outfit I'd finally decided on. I quickly put it on and make my way to the bathroom to fix my ratty, wet hair. I examine myself in the bathroom mirror when I finish drying my hair. I sigh, running my hands down the sides of my stomach to smooth out my tank top.

I turn around, taking one step toward the door when I feel a sting in my stomach. Like a sharp pain, as if I have a cut on the inside of my stomach and someone just poured rubbing alcohol all over it. I clutch my stomach, frowning while I try to think of what could be doing that.

I didn't eat anything bad. My cramps have never been this bad. What could it be?

I start walking toward the door again, ignoring the pain, knowing it's just the cramps or a stomachache. Nothing I’m not used to already.

But as I walk into the bedroom the pain kicks up. I clutch the couter next to me while grabbing the front of my shirt, as if it would help. I close my eyes tight, fighting the pain. It's the cramps, and the stomachache, and that sting. But ten times worse.

I feel like someone grabbed my stomach and twisted it, pulling it and pushing it. Turning it inside out and stabbing it with a knife.

It gets to be too much and my knees get shaky, eventually giving way and forcing me to the ground. I lean forward, both hands wrapped around my stomach and I beg for the pain to go away. I feel something rise in my stomach, forcing itself up my throat, waiting to fall out of my mouth. But it never comes.

The aching gets worse, and I let out a small whimper. This is nothing like I've ever had before. Not like the time when I was a kid and I ate a piece of a cookie I found on the ground and was puking for three days straight. Or a few years ago when it was winter and I had caught the flu.

Nothing can compare to this pain. It’s that stomachache that just makes you mad, not wanting any help, not wanting to talk to anyone; just sit there and suffer through it until it passes.

But I could tell as soon as it started it wasn’t planning on going away until I do something about it. I push to my feet, my legs feeling weak. I stumble over to my bunk bed and put my hand against the top bed, supporting myself.

My vision starts to go fuzzy and I can feel muscle spasms coming on. “What the hell?” I murmur to myself. “What’s going on?” I feel my stomach literally lunge and it pulls me to the ground on all fours. I let out a cry, praying Jen and Kyle didn't hear it. I rest my head against the floor and clutch it, grabbing handfuls of my hair. My head pounds and aches, as if I’d hit it against something or a migraine is coming on.

I open my eyes but my vision is blurry. The pain takes over my whole body. Muscle spasms take over my legs and arms and my stomach cramps ache to the point where it hurts to breathe. I let out another cry. Help me, help me, help me!

I want to cry out for help, scream for someone to come to my rescue, for someone to call 911. But I realize I can’t get anything out my mouth but cries, not even loud enough for anyone to hear. The pain in my head is so bad that I can’t hear anything, only a faint buzz, not my body twitching and rolling on the carpet, not even my own whimpers.

I can’t breathe or move my stomach in any way unless I want the cramps to get worse. I can’t do anything without maximizing the pain, I can barely move but the muscle spasms forbid me to stay still.

When the spasms finally stop I lay face down on the floor, in the position I started in. My knees rolled up and my hands clutching my head. I sit there for a minute, the pain in my stomach and head slowly dying down.

I breathe, in and out, in and out. I wonder if my parents heard that. My brother, my sister. If Kyle would have heard any of that or seen it he would have been so scared, and my sister would be hauling me out of the room and into the car to drive me to the hospital.

I don’t know what just happened. A seizure? I didn’t even think I would have lived through that. For the next few minutes I sit there, on the floor, too scared to move. I'm so worried, so scared, soo cautious. I don't want to move, I hardly want to breathe. Blinking even becomes fearful. I look at the clock, daring to barely turning my head. I have twenty minutes until I need to get to Ben at the snack bar.

I can’t cancel; I don’t have his number, no way to tell him without telling him face to face. I have to go, I have to hope I won’t have another spasm at the beach, in front of everyone.

I have to hope I make it through the night.

~~~

When I finally get out the door of our cabin, after saying goodbye to Jen and Kyle and warning them not to burn the place down, I walk down the gravel sidewalk toward the beach.

The wind was more vigerous now that the night was slowly approaching. Shadows formed from the sun shining on the cabins and many small children rode their bikes down the streets and played in their cabin's front yard. It reminded me of when I was a child.

After passing dozens of cabins, I finally reach the path that leads down to the beach. Without even coming a few yards toward the beach I can already see the bonfire down near the sand, completely on the oppisite side of where my parents and I were earlier today.

I walk down, hands in the pockets of my skirt. I look down and watch my feet move. One in front of the other, my pink flip flops "flopping" as I take each step. I concentrate on that, focusing on anything besides my pain attack earlier.

I concentrate on the shade of my flip flops, the feel of them beneath my toes. Then I move on to where I got the flip flops, what the cashier at the store was like, remembering what color the walls we in the store and what shoes I was wearing that day. I focus on concentrating on anything but the pain, I'm so worried it will come back.

I was about to think about what outfit I was wearing that day when I nearly run into someone on the beach. It's nearly dark out, the sun setting somewhere off to my left, but it's more than enough light to see who's before me.

It's one of the boys Ben was sitting with on the beach today. He's the one that kept looking up at us when we were talking. "Oh, sorry, wasn't paying attention." I smile politely and start to move on, but he touches my shoulder to stop me.

"Hey, you're Michelle, right?" He asks, and I'm astonished he remembers my name or even bothered to look at my face in the first place.

"Yeah. You're Ben's friend? I'm guessing he told you about our conversation earlier?"

"Actually he didn't say too much about it, just said he asked you about the party, you had to ask your parents, and apparently they said yes, since you're standing here." He laughs quietly and smiles, and I can't help but smile back at his slight nervousness.

This boy's black hair and blue eyes are nearly perfect. His hair is shaggy, probably from rubbing it with a towel after swimming, and his eyes are the color of the lake. Blue and shiny. He's not wearing a shirt but letting his chest and abs be exposed. He wears white swim trunks with a blue wave on the side of them, and he's not wearing shoes, just letting the sand form around his feet.

"Um, yeah, I figured it wouldn't be too bad of a party." I shrug, "So, what's your name?"

"Casey." He says. "My two other friends are Jason, the ginger, and Michael, the blonde that's a little taller than Ben. If you run into them they'll know who you are, you're a little hard to miss."

I smile, knowing he's flirting with me. I've been told I look good before, but never by a guy like Ben and his friends. "Well, I better get to Ben. I'm supposed to meet him at the snack bar -" I look at my phone "- in two minutes. So I'll see you later?"

"Absolutly. See ya." He says, waving and walking off. I wiggle my fingers at him but he turns away before he can see and I'm left staring after him.

I eventually escape my trance, shaking my head and looking toward the snack bar. I see Ben, wearing swim trunks like they're pants and a blue shirt. He's pacing on the side of the snack bar, looking around like he's searching.

Probably for me.

I walk quickly toward him, hardly able to stop myself. In fact, I realize it's all I can do not to run toward him with excitement.

He walks toward me when he notices me and we meet halfway. "Hey." I say.

"Hey." He stands a little closer to me than he was earlier today. "You came."

"Of course." I smile, "I wouldn't miss it."

He smiles and looks over my head at the bonfire behind me, "So that's it. Michael, my 'twin', is making hotdogs over there -" He points to a boy down the hill standing in front of a grill, holding tongs "- and I don't know where Jason is but -"

"I met Casey. He's nice." I say.

"Yeah but he likes to flirt with a lot of girls." He says. I can see it in his eyes he's glad he could call dibs on me before Casey could, but that didn't hold back Casey. I shrug and turn toward the beach. I see a few other people sitting on the beach or wondering around, or holding plasitc cups and talking to each other. "So, we gonna head down there?" I ask, turning slightly toward Ben.

He motions toward the beach and we both walk down there together, side by side. My cramps had died down a little but right at that moment they had turned up a little bit and I put a hand to my stomach. I take a deep breath and that's when Ben looks at me and stops walking just as I do. "You ok?" He asks.

"Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. I must have ate something bad earlier today but I'm fine." I lie and wave a hand to dismiss the subject.

"Ok." He says. He pauses and studies my eyes for a while. I smile to reassure him. Ben smiles and nods and we continue to walk.

For the rest of the party I meet Ben's friends and mingle around. Someone eventually turned on some music and we all started dancing, kicking up sand, moving around, and really just having fun. The flickering light of the bonfire seemed to make everyone move with grace, it bonded us together, it provided a reason to have a good time.

And we did have a good time. Life was good.

I want to stay here forever, with Ben, with these people who could soon be my friends. I want to stare at Ben's eyes all night, even after it goes dark. I want to stay here, feeling this way, feeling this excitement. I want my whole life to be like this. This perfect.

And the best thing of the whole night, my cramps we finally gone.

But, as if on cue, my stomach builds up cramps until every movement hurts my stomach. Please don't be as bad as earlier.

I slow down a little, not too much for Ben to notice, but I take it easy for a little while. And when Ben and I take a break from dancing I look at Ben, "I gotta go to the bathroom, I'll be right back." I grab his hand in mine and look up at him, then slowly walk away, our hands breaking apart.

I wait until I reach the grass, then the hill, and that's when I break out into a mad dash to the bathroom. I ignore the cramps and aches all over my body until I get to the stalls, locking myself in the biggest one and sinking to the ground.

Author's Note

Finally posted the next chapter :) Tell me what you think.

Reviews

[Damac]

For the most part, I agree with Jacques in that this one drew me in the least, I do feel as though the ending really got me though. "I ignore the cramps and aches all over my body until I get to the stalls, locking myself in the biggest one and sinking to the ground" really let me know the kind of pain Michelle was going through.

[Jacques]

right i have to be honest - i loved and love all the characters but i thought this one was the one that drawn me in the least from what i read before even though she got an story that draws you in . the pain was excruciating for her to withstand and it was here - i felt her pain and you conveyed alot of emotion into this chapter and it made me fall in love with Michelle's character more than i did . truly well done