Apple of my eye

Not meant to offend any religious, as it was written with only humor in mind.

Red Delicious, Granny Apple, Golden Delicious. Golden Delicious. Gold like the dancing rays that nurture it, round like the Earth with a giant brown pole sticking out of it, and I had smooth, perfect, and soft skin. Golden Delicious is my name, and I’m proud of it. Can’t say that about anything else, because I only have my name, and a story, soon enough the story. Soon enough, the story won’t be mine anymore. It will belong to the world,

I was created on the branch of an immortal tree, at least I thought it was at the time. My mother didn’t have a sheen o the stream when it basked in the moonlight, but she was beautiful. She was even more beautiful after she had given birth to me and all my brothers and sisters. From the graceful flowers to heavy fruit her long, twisting, and graced arms never had any trouble baring us.

We enhanced her as full grown apples, making elegant contrasts from out gold skin to her lush green leaves. Humans may have had children that way if Eve had not defied the command. Messy business that was, poor girl. 

I remember it like yesterday. I was in my prime, a plump apple with the juices sweeter than even sugar cane. I was here just as long as Adam, to when I was first named ‘Forbidden Fruit’. I like Golden Delicious better. I watched the creature called Adam, and found him, quite sadly, very stupid. I felt sorry for the poor thing, and wished that he would not be alone for too long. My heart sang when I heard that Adam was not alone. The conversation was simple, even for a dyslexic person. Especially dyslexic people.

“Madam, my name is Adam.”

“Eve.”

It was a romantic moment filled with palindromes. That was followed by a happy year of useless frolicking. To my brilliant deduction, I noticed that the animals were taking to Eve better than Adam. At least she was able to carry some kind of conversation, while Adam sat with the wildebeest and had farting competitions. 

Needless to say, they were polar opposites. The polar bears even agreed on that, although the penguins only agreed to the fact that polar bears are stupid. Such was the seed that grew into modern day jocks. All the while, the killer whales were inventing a form of Marco Polo long before Marco had even been born. But for now, Adam and Eve didn’t hit it off right away. They got together, sure, but neither knew the concept of love, so they didn’t fall in love. 

One day the snake was slithering along when his serpentine eyes befell Eve. She was weaving vines together to make a hammock. The sight of Eve’s opposable thumbs made a little red flag rise in the devious mind. The snake slithered toward Eve while she continued her weave.

“Madam, what beautiful handssss you have. Would you be kind enough to do me a favor?” The snake hissed politely. Eve didn’t seem to hear, so the snake slithered to the closest point of elevation. A tree. Once in the high branches of the tree, he once again hissed his message.

“What beautiful handsss you have. Would you be kind enough to do me a favor?” But once again, the snake found himself ignored, for when Eve looked up, all she could see was leaves. The snake, realizing his mistake slithered to the closest branch and tried to balance himself on a hanging pear. By this time, Eve tied the edges of the hammock to the trunk of the pear tree, and to my mother. Eve laid on the hammock just as the snake got a safe hold the pear. The snake cleared his throat and tried again.

“Would you be sssso kind- WOAH!”  There was one factor that Snake had never thought of. Eve pulled the pear down, and almost took a bite out of the snake’s tail. Luckly, Eve opened her eyes and found herself face to face wtih the snake. The snake, finding him secure in Eve;s hand decided this was the opportune moment to relay his message. As I watched, the conversation went something like this;

“Would you be kind enough to do me a favor?” The snake hissed. Eve gave a blonde chuckle that sounded like a squeaky monkey. No offense to the monkey.

“Are you listening?” The snake hissed.

“Hee hee hee.” Eve chuckled.

“Do you understand a word I’m saying?”

“Hee hee hee.” Eve chuckled.

“With thiss lack of communication, I won’t be able to make thiss human do my evil bidding.”

“Hee hee hee.”

“OH WILL YOU SSHUT UP!” At the snake’s sudden outburst, the garden suddenly fell silent. the snake hissed (his way of clearing his throat). “Sssso.... I need a way to make you intellegent enough to make you do evil deedss.... but how?” The snake thought outloud. Soon enough he detected me, and remembered how God said I bestowed knowlege. The snake, being very resourceful and driven by the plan that humans should invent fast food then be exploited, becided I was the best plane.

“Look there! Not the lizard, look at the apple! Ssssooo ssssucculent.... ssso grand.” The snake said. Eve only gave a confused look. Snake realised he should dumb it down by a lot.

“Look at the sshiny! You like the sshiny apple? Take it, eat it...” Eve got that message and swing out of the hammorck so fast that Snake had to do a death grip on the pear. She ran over to me and plucked me from my mother. I tried to scream, but I don’t have a mouth. It was an insane moment, I couldn’t roll away! Then a red veil of pain fell over my eyes and I forgot a large portion of my knowlege. then she dropped the snake and ran with me to the creek. She looked at her reflection for a moment, and as I recovered from losing part of my brains, I head the first human sentence.

“I am, like, so, like, hot!” Eve squealed in delight. “I should tell Adam. Like O-M-G!!” Then she started to run to find him. I still have the worse freakin’ headache of my short life, but I remember what the records do not say. I really went like thi. Eve found Adam having a fighting competition, and was losing  against the lion. Eve, who immdediately realised what a horrible thing it would be to introduce men to tthe world,  returned with me to the creek. There she saw a monkey and decided to make it eat me.

Just as the monkey was about to take a bite from what was left of my brains, Adam burst from the bushes and grabbed me.  Unfortunately, I went from being saved into the moist darkness of Adam’s mouth. Not only was I bitten again, oh no, this time I was also slobered on. Then the lion jumped from the bushes, tackled Afam, and sent me flying into the air. No one realises how much it hurts to have someone eat your brains then throw you in the air only to land in the creek. The running water tossed me aroun until I reached an arc shaped rock. I slipped up the rock, flipped in the air, and landed hard next to Adam. OWWWWW....

Adam was checking out his muscles, and I was able to see the lion limping away with a broken leg. The rest is history. Sadly, the records once again are flawed, because Adam was allowed to enter Eden one more time to meet a court date. You see, the lion sued Adam for the broken leg, who sued Eve for giving it to him, who the snake for tricking her, who sued me for existing. Raphael, the angel, judged the whole thing, and decided to drop the case. It’s hard to argue with a guy who has a flaming sword, no matter how nice he is.

All in all, I’m not sore at Eve. She was stupid (though smarter than Adam) and didn’t know any better. Otherwise, she’s intellegent, kind, and yes, hot. Now, if you don’t mind, I have to go to court. It’s the day that my case against the fruit flies will be taken into consideration. Golden Delicious, lawsuits, I love humanity! Ta-ta!