From Hermes' Pocket

Redone version of a story I wrote long ago.

Dear Diary,

                    It’s a conspiracy! I swear Zeus has it out for me; all of them do. They all ignore that Hermes keeps stealing my diaries! They never give me a break, they always tease my dog (which is just not right), and Aphrodite even has the gall to call my fashion-less. Fashion-less? Let's see her look like a model in a damp, muddy hellhole!

          I have never been lucky. In fact, if you ask even the lowest of humans, they would answer it all started when I was a baby. A baby! I was born, and my dad swallowed me. Have you ever been swallowed? It’s disgusting, diary. Sure I got out, but then they stuck me down here. I tell you, it’s a conspiracy!

           I need to calm down and think of something else before I break something. Someone once told me that your room describes everything about you. Well, there are cold stonewalls, a few stalagmites, my throne, and from November to March my beautiful wife Persephone. That’s it! It gets really tiring to be stuck here alone greeting the dead like a store attendant while Olympia is having a party. While I hassle with that bag of bones that carries the dead to me, Zeus is having delectable ambrosia and delicious baklava. Aren’t I the older one?!

           Oh, and while I'm on that note; I hate it when Persephone talks so lavishly about Zeus. Sure, I’m not the most innocent god, but do you know how many times he’s cheated on Hera? No wonder she’s so knotted up.

     Then again… I wouldn’t want to be married to her either. Do you hear what she did to Hercules? It wasn’t his fault that he was born, after all. It was that brother of mine... Then again, being married to Hera isn’t anything like Dionysus coming like a a pompous aristocratic drunk every other year and saying;

“Zeusy! My crop of grapes is bad this year, but it should’ve been good. Couldn’t you do something about it Zeusy?” While he holds the glass of wine with his pinky out so annoyingly, all the while trying to keep from falling off Olympia. Though, that's not the most annoyign thing up there. The fighting is. I remember something worse though. Apollo and Hermes argument. It went something like this;

“He stole my cows!” Apollo accused.
“No I didn’t.” Hermes said as innocently and sweetly as he could.
“Yes you did, now give them back.”
“Daddy, Pollo’s being mean!”
“I’ll give you mean, you little-“ Hermes is lucky he didn’t leave with serious burns.

But it’s still not all butterflies and flowers down here! I haven’t seen a butterfly for years… only a river of souls, the damp stonewalls, and my lovely Persephone who’s fixated on my YOUNGER brother. How come when Zeus cheats on his wife it’s all right, and when I try to keep people from cheating death I’m suddenly a villain? It is my job!

      Oh, but worse than any of that, I have to pick up after Cerberus. I ask you, what am I being punished for? Being swallowed by my father? So was Poseidon and he’s ruler of the sea! I don’t like water though. It puts out my hair. Now that I think about it, I don’t like heights either… maybe I do belong here. So I miss out on the parties, what does that matter? I won't have to deal with my insane family!

Thanks for letting me rant diary. I hope that Hermes doesn't steal you anytime soon.






Dear Dairy,

   Demeter is complaining about me again. I swear no one has a mother-n-law like I do. I foresee a long winter coming soon…