The Trip

Three siblings and their friend go on a trip getting more then they bargained for.

   “Tag you're it!” Shouted Emily, spraying Rachel's shoulder with the blue paint can she held in her right manicured hand.

           “Ha-ha,” Rachel laughed. “Now you've done it,” she giggled. Rachel took out her green spray paint, and started to spray Emily's black hair with the stinging liquid, that was trapped inside the container. Running carelessly around the front lawn they didn't realize that it was almost ten-o-clock at night, and they could awaken the neighbors at any moment if they kept up their act.

           Their laughs had driven their brother, Bryan, out of hiding, and he stormed out of the front door to check on them, carrying a bright orange jack-o-lantern to light his way. The candle inside illuminated Bryan's blue eyes, and blond curly hair, while he placed the smiling pumpkin on their porch. This action was enough to grab the girl's attention from their horse playing. They stopped carrying on almost instantly to stare at the shadowy figure, and the silent house that lied behind him.

           “Are you two ever going to grow up?” Bryan shouted to them wiping sleepers from his glowing blue eyes.

           “We are grown up,” replied Rachel with a sneer, her brown eyes twinkled in the moonlight.

           “Okay, if you call spraying each other with paint cans grown up, fine by me,” he said in a low growl. “You two better not act like this tomorrow when I take you to Under the Stars at Mansion Park,” Bryan yelled, in a furious tone.

        “Were not,” mumbled the twins in unison, winking at each other.

           “Now off to bed, or I'm not taking you guys with me,” Bryan muttered, turning to enter the deserted looking house.

   “Fine,” hissed Rachel, while she was blowing out the candle that the jack-o-lantern held in its clutch.

           Nothing but darkness swept the night; even the stars were to frighten to appear. After all it was midnight and the sweet scent of Halloween was in the air. The translucent moon slowly vanished as the brilliant sunrise came into existence. The sun peeked out to see the beautiful world, casting light over the city.

           “Where is it?” Shouted Bryan, pulling everything he could reach off the shelves in the basement of his house. “It's Halloween, and it's almost three-o-clock,” he uttered, out of breath. “Where is that tent?” Bryan hollered up the stairs. Running around the basement like a mad man, he tripped over a bright yellow pole, crashing to the floor. “Ouch!” He squealed, in a girlish tone. “What was tha...?” “Oh, wait...yeah, I found it!” He exclaimed, dancing while regaining his composure.

           Bryan ran up the stairs with the tent in hand, and a smile on his face that was as big as the jack-o-lantern's that he had carved the night before. He grabbed the bag of food that his mom had provided for their trip and bolted out of the front door. He threw the items into the trunk of his red car that sat lonely in the driveway. Then he ran next door to grab his best bud Ryan who was going to assist him on the trip.

           “Hey, Ryan, we are leaving soon! Get out here,” Bryan yelled impatiently to Ryan's window.

           “I'm coming! Give me a minute,” Ryan said, peeking his head out the open window, his blond hair waved in the breeze.

           Bryan turned and walked back to the car where he saw Emily, and Rachel in the backseat eating cookies ready to go. Seconds later Ryan hopped into the front seat of the car, and they were off.

           Between the bumps, and Bryan, and Ryan singing to their favorite band, the ride seemed long. The girls thought they would never get there. They finally turned onto mansion road, and fog slowly rolled in. The fog was so thick the only thing they could see for miles were the trees on the sides of the road. They seemed to gradually turn, and stare at them as they drove past.

   “Bryan are you sure this is the right place?” Ryan asked, trying to help Bryan see through the fog.

           “I'm scared,” Emily wined, pulling at her brother's brown jacket.

           “Yes, I'm sure this is the right road,” Bryan said in a low voice, trying not to frighten everyone in the car.

           “Then where is every...?” Asked Rachel, being cut off by the unbearable creaking sound of someone hitting the front windshield.

           The fierce ear-shattering noise of the window breaking had awoken the fear in everyone. Their excitement was now overcome with terror. Bryan's heart seemed to stop and time slowed down. He tried to slam on his breaks but the car wasn't cooperating, it felt to him that some outside force was in control of the vehicle. He could hear the faint screaming of Ryan, and his twin sister's in the background. Bryan continued to stare at the terrorized man lying on his hood. The man's bones were twisted and were coming out of his skin; his eyes were bloodshot, and bleeding. He looked like a zombie with his pale white neck that was moving like a snake in the massive wind. The man lifted his head off the hood, and seemed to speak to Bryan in his new dimension. It looked like it was trying to warn him of something, right before he vanished off the hood, and the car skidded to a halt, stalling right in front of the great, Gothic mansion.

           Bryan was in his right state of mind now. He looked around the car and everyone was getting his or her breath back.

           “Did you just see that?” Questioned Bryan, in a shaky tone, his body twitching.

           “All we saw was you losing control of the car,” said Ryan, shaking his friend to snap him out of it.

            “But...there...was...a...man...on...the...windshield...” He yelped, as Ryan continued to shake him.

            “No, there wasn't, its just all in your head,” panted Emily, holding Rachel's hand in the backseat.

           “Can we just go and ask if we can for a mechanic, so we can get the heck out of here,” exclaimed Rachel, in a high pitched voice.

           Everyone flew out of the car in a panic. Looking around they noticed the stain glass window that stared at them, as though it were happy to see them. The door next to the window creaked open willingly as if it were welcoming their presence. Everyone looked at each other in confusion and terror when the door swung open. They grabbed each others hands, and walked side-by-side past the brown moss covered fence. They walked into the house and were ready for whatever came their way.

            “Spooky, ain't it?” Bryan said with a nervous laugh, right before the door slammed shut behind them.

           Outside of the mansion, the fog began to ease, revealing the playful courtyard. Tents were being put up and kids were singing joyful tunes. The mansion turned back to its original state. The dilapidated shutters were like were like new; the panels looked like they had rebuilt themselves, and the fencing's clean brown paint was glowing in the sunshine. The mansion had never looked happier. For it now held its rightful owners inside for an eternity of torture and pain.

 

Reviews

[Nikki]

Your story is very well described and easy to picture in your head when you're reading it. My story happenes to be something simular to yours!

[Aruxxa]

The first thing I noticed about your story were the dialogues. I liked them because they feel very natural. So that's a big plus.
What I feel the story is lacking, though, is more suspense. While reading I wanted to know more about the characters, about what truly frightens them. I wanted to enjoy the fear and the expectation, but it ended before I had a chance to do all that. My suggestion is to work on it a bit more (think Rose Red).