What happiness really is for me

Just thoughts that are in my mind most of the time, and most people dont understand...

What do we expect from life? Why do we even expect something from it? Why and when did we learn to expect things from others? I don’t know when I start doing it, but I do know we shouldn’t. We, the ones who do expect things from others, I think we suffer more than normal people. They just don’t… they do not expect, dream, hope for it, they just… “Live”. If we can call that living, cause if I could choose to live like them or not living at all, I would prefer to not live at all, cause that would mean not questioning anything, being a puppet in this world, even though when so many times you just wished you were one of them just to fit in, be one of those who think that life is what it is, and don’t question it, don’t wonder if there’s something else, they just accept it. Why can’t I do that? I wonder that so many times… why I question things. Why am I like this? Am I normal? Am I crazy? Am I just not good enough? Have you ever wondered if you are not good enough?  If you haven’t, it’s hard to say how it feels, but I can try…

Imagine you have everything that a normal teenager wants, you have that cool iPhone, a house , a pool, dogs, friends, school, family, sisters, party, and so many other things that maybe you didn’t ask for, but you have them anyway. Now think about a moment when you sit down and you realize all you have but you don’t feel complete… there’s something missing… what is it? You don’t know, but all the things you have cannot fill that whole in your chest. What is it? A new computer? A new best friend?  A new cell phone?  A new sister or brother? What is it? You don’t know, even after long sleepless nights wondering what could that be, looking at the moon trying to find an answer there, listening music like crazy to see if you can find it maybe there… but you don’t, time passes by and you still don’t know, can you imagine how hard it is? To have everything that someone can wish, being material or not, you have it but you are not happy, you just envy people that seem to be, you look at them and say “what do they have that I don’t?  Am I not good enough to deserve happiness? What is it? What am I doing wrong? And you hope for an answer from anyone, but you don’t get it, no one gives you one cause no one knows what you mean, so after a while you just stop telling people what you think and feel cause you already realized that no one understands you and they just think “oh she is crazy, look at her she has everything, and she is not happy”. And maybe this is the worst thing you can do, to just save it to yourself because after some time it begins to eat you from the inside out, and that’s when you are way too into it, it has become an existentialist issue. You are not just wondering why a classmate has better mark than yours, or why the boy you like isn’t into you, you are wondering what are you doing here? Why are you alive? What’s the sense of all this?  Is there any? I hope there is, and I hope there is someone who can give me those answers, cause he or she will understand me, know what I mean, cause he or she have felt the way I have. I think only then I will be able to say those words that hurt me every time I want to pronounce them… I’m happy.

Author's Note

im not a specialist in english so i might have more than 1 mistake, sorry for that but i wanted to share this... Tell me what you think