Everyone is Clumsy

Once upon a time I tripped,

Went flying down the stairs.

As desperately I tried to grip,

I found there weren’t any rails.

Down into the vast chasm I flew,

Faster than the speed of spite.

I sealed my eyes for I knew

I’d be terrified of the height.

Eventually I did open my eyes,

Just to see where I was being thrown.

Not until then did I realize,

I wasn’t descending on my own.

Multitudes surround me,

Every one of them unknowing.

Billions of people falling free,

But not one knew where we were going.

So we took the time to get to know,

And soon we were solid friends,

We started enjoying the resplendent sights,

And stopped pondering our ends.

We helped each other learn to smile,

And forget about our strife.

That is what’s made it all worthwhile,

The great downward drop of life. 

Reviews

[LawrenceRaybon]

Excellent Poem! A great message, not what I was expecting from the title, but the title is perfect for the poem, great job! My favorite lines were:

Multitudes surrounded me,
Every one of them unknowing
Billions of people falling free
But not one knew where we were going.

I love the image of everyone falling together. I pictured it like a scene from a cartoon where you see the guy in the business suit and the kid with the ice cream, etc. And mostly everyone is past the point of yelling and now just looking confused. Very nice.

I few things:

You might want to break the poem up into four line stanzas, it will make it easier to read and the content (because of the abab rhyme scheme) is already set up that way.

The first three lines have an iambic rhythm and then from the fourth line on the iambic rhythm is pretty much abandoned. It turns your fourth line into a big stumbling block, which, if that was your intent, bravo! It's something to keep in mind either way, and I think splitting the poem into stanzas as mentioned earlier will give the reader a natural pause so they can get over the stumble and enjoy the rest of the poem. Just to be clear, I like the lack of clear rhythm in the rest of the poem it gives it a bit of an off-kilter feeling that works well with the subject matter.

Lines 17 and 19 (End in 'know' and 'sights') are the only paired lines that do not rhyme at all, it only bothered me a little, but it's worth noting so you can actively decide if you want to leave it as is or change it. Lines 1 and 3 are an 'almost rhyme' but bothered me even less than lines 17 and 19 but again just noting it so you can make an informed decision on whether to keep or change. But, if you do change to using four line stanzas, these two instances will become more noticeable so be sure to look closely at them if you make the change.

On line 17 I think you meant to say 'So we took the time to get to know' but you left out a 'to' between 'get' and 'know'

On the penultimate line, I would consider changing it to, 'That's what makes,' bringing the line into the present tense. It would give the reader the feeling that the narrator is speaking to them in the present moment, and it includes the reader in the 'great downward drop'.

Overall, as I said before, Excellent Poem! The metaphor you use here is surprising and wonderful. I look forward to reading your other work.

Cheers,
Lawence
Constructive Critics Group

***Standard Disclaimer: These are my honest opinions and they are absolutely not meant as any kind of attack. I only comment on work that I think is good and only offer advice so that we can all become better writers. You are always free/welcome to heed or disregard my opinions/advice!***

[Robert Parlange]

Empathy is a rare commodity these days. Your poem expresses the need of humanity to work together. We are all falling. No reason we can't fall together.

Good work. I hope you will resume writing.

[Ranger Nadaly]

I really appreciate the idea and I like the flow. The ending is good but maybe instead of "called life" its "of life". "called life" just seems a little too cliche for this piece, in my opinion.