Anxiety (Re-Written)

Entering the room was overwhelming, they’re just a few of their friends, I mentally convince myself walking to a big group of people. I can do this, I’ve done this before, it’s easy just have a casual conversation, I talk myself up whilst walking over. As I was walking towards them my eyes shifted to the corner and I see her. I kept eye contact as I was walking over and she became clearer and clearer as I walked closer to the group so I went back downstairs near the pool where no one was. She must’ve come with me because there she is again, with her ice white hair and pale blue but almost transparent self. She placed her bony hand on my shoulder the way she has done time and time before, soft but yet so fierce. She seeps through me and reaches her small but strong arms around my chest and squeezes tighter and tighter until I can’t breathe. My vision of the room starts to blur and all I want is to sleep. The more I focus on what I need to the more she squeezes harder and harder. My eyes start to tear up from the pain she keeps causing. I take a breath out and I feel okay but as soon as I breathe in she’s there, waiting for this chance to squeeze me that bit harder. It’s as if she wants me to constantly exhale without inhaling. She wants me to scream but I can’t find enough air to let that happen. I want to let everything out, she wants me to let everything out but what’s everything when there’s nothing. With her arms still wrapped around my chest she leans in close to my ear and out of her soft green lips and whispers everything that I’ve done wrong. All my flaws, my past mistakes, everything I’ve said, all the things that haunt the back of my mind has come around for another visit. The pain I feel, the sadness I show all because of her and what she’s doing to me. My legs give way but she’s still holding on as tight as ever. Now crouched on the floor I start to pant and cry and now sleep has escaped my mind. Why is this happening? Why has she come at this point in time? My body has reacted in locking my limbs. I can’t breathe, I can’t move. She’s won, she’s won over my body and I feel terrible. She has piled every issue on top of each other, everything that wasn’t worth worrying about at that moment, she has sucked it all back in. Still on the floor curled up in a ball I just want her gone. I want her out of my life and I never wanted her in it in the first place. She was never invited or welcomed. She just appeared.