Car Crash

(when it isn't possible to juggle anymore and yet ...)

Most days I long for my Mum.

How can that be when I'm as busy

as a working bee, flitting about

for my own family, taking care

of all their needs?

While she is five counties to the West,

sitting in the same blue chair

in her nursing home of three years

staring blankly at four walls

locked inside her wandering thoughts.

I am caught in the headlights

between a cliff edge and a brick s**t house

that's a tough place to be permanently.

I visit when I can, take turns

with two sisters.

Though in reality my guts are twisted

my heart torn by guilt and my home

full to the brim with others.

In any case I couldn't give

her the level of care she requires.

Some days I can't even pick up the phone

because I fear hearing her cry out

or her distant voice moaning continually

about the food or she becomes

rude in her new self which is alien

to me.

Yes, some days I pick up the receiver

and before I have fully dialled,

my smile is erased, snuffed out 

as back it goes into its cradle.

Then I curse myself

for not being able to carry out a simple task,

asking myself why can't I do better.

Then out comes pen, paper and stamps

while I compose her a letter.

I love my Mum.

Reviews

[Einstein Noodle]

you do love her Christine ... i feel this turmoil of soul and deepening sadness .. when we take care of our parents in such a state it is so difficult .. guilt .. desire to help ... helpless ... a stranger has taken me Ma :( ... holds her captive .. we grieve that loss .. and we try to prepare for that physical death ... I am so empathetic with you ... I am a RN, retired ... but as my own Ma slipped slowly away into Alzheimer's I was fortunate enough to be able to care for her (for about 10yrs) in our home .. such a struggle to adjust as she adjusted ... finding and keeping the help I needed to help with her ... oh I know this place you are in very well ... but you are doing all you can ... and from this poem one can tell your relationship with your mom was maintained through the years .. when it counted ... so many families don't have even that ... as they break .. into ill repair :( a big hug .. best prayers of support for you and yours .. and comfort for you Mum ... thank you for sharing this obviously very personal part of your life .. so honestly .. its stunning in the impact I feel
E.

[Chris Shaw]

Thank you for your empathy Mr E. Living two hundred miles away, with four grandchildren living with us between the ages of 18 - 25, one of whom has health problems, plus a sick daughter who lives nearby who needs support, I am limited in what I can do for my mum. It causes me anguish. Yes it is personal, but it is topical because many others are in similar circumstances and these situations are never straight forward. Your responses are always most welcome.

Chris

[Einstein Noodle]

oh my goodness Chris ... so much on your plate .. niggly guilt won't leave us alone :( this is my song for you ma'am ... now you listen to it ;)

[kathy rivers]

wow..i'm only 16 and i can't even begin to understand what you all are going through... but i think you all are amazing people and i will pray for y'all.

[Chris Shaw]

Thank you Kathy for your visit and prayers.

[kathy rivers]

it is really no problem...i am quite sure that y'all would do the same for me.

[gram linski]

very honest and heartfelt, Chris being torn between two sides of the same family, the mother, the children, it's almost like you are picking sided, but life is never that simple, I think you have enough love in your heart to go around, respect

[Chris Shaw]

Yes it is difficult when there are others that need help too and my mum is two hundred miles away. It is a question of being torn and it isn't easy to deal with. You are right, life is never simple. Thank you gram.

Chris

[barleygirl]

Your honesty is a bracing splash of water. You show with profound humanity how we all "chicken out" when trying to fill the shoes of the fulsome person we aspire to be. This is the most realistic depiction I've ever seen where some flaw of humanity is shown in all its horror, yet also thru the most compassionate lens. It's clear you forgive yourself shortcomings in this area . . . and in so doing, you invite us to forgive ourselves for being hesitant to step up to a full humanity spot oftentimes (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[Chris Shaw]

Thank you Margie. I can only forgive myself because I have so many other commitments with family and although I would like to do more with the 200 mile distance between us does not permit. There is a limit, but that doesn't make it any easier to handle. I appreciate your response.

Chris

[Fay Slimm]

This tragic position goes straight to the heart of many today Chris - - a moving account of the wrench when loved parents morph somehow into otherness and we can do nothing about their state. Sending much sympathy and comforting hugs as you try to cope with a Mum who needs more than home care. Really appreciate your sharing this personal challenge.

[Chris Shaw]

Thank you Fay. A bit of a vent here knowing full well that this is a topic that will resonate with many. Sometimes it is good to let off steam. It upsets me that I can't do more for my mum, but practicalities won't permit that. I appreciate your understanding response.

Chris

[Relic]

I've had to go to visit my father in hospitals and rehab many times so I have an idea of what you're going through. He vented each time I went and I couldn't wait to leave. I saw horrible things there, but he wound up coming home, unlike your mum. I am the only one that cares for him which makes it worse. I have to do horrible things I don't want to. Life is not always happy.

[Chris Shaw]

Tim you have my empathy. These situations are always so difficult. There is no easy way to deal with them and they can cause much upset. Must be very difficult for you on your own. I can understand that. Thank you for reading my outpouring today.

Chris

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Indeed a very moving and sad tale that many have to tell as their once doting, protectors become so distant and their personalities crumble like the coast line and fall into the sea. An honest write filled with grief and anger and confusion.

[Chris Shaw]

Many thanks John your response appreciated.

Chris