Car Crash

(when it isn't possible to juggle anymore and yet ...)

Most days I long for my Mum.

How can that be when I'm as busy

as a working bee, flitting about

for my own family, taking care

of all their needs?

While she is five counties to the West,

sitting in the same blue chair

in her nursing home of three years

staring blankly at four walls

locked inside her wandering thoughts.

I am caught in the headlights

between a cliff edge and a brick s**t house

that's a tough place to be permanently.

I visit when I can, take turns

with two sisters.

Though in reality my guts are twisted

my heart torn by guilt and my home

full to the brim with others.

In any case I couldn't give

her the level of care she requires.

Some days I can't even pick up the phone

because I fear hearing her cry out

or her distant voice moaning continually

about the food or she becomes

rude in her new self which is alien

to me.

Yes, some days I pick up the receiver

and before I have fully dialled,

my smile is erased, snuffed out 

as back it goes into its cradle.

Then I curse myself

for not being able to carry out a simple task,

asking myself why can't I do better.

Then out comes pen, paper and stamps

while I compose her a letter.

I love my Mum.

Reviews

[Einstein Noodle]

you do love her Christine ... i feel this turmoil of soul and deepening sadness .. when we take care of our parents in such a state it is so difficult .. guilt .. desire to help ... helpless ... a stranger has taken me Ma :( ... holds her captive .. we grieve that loss .. and we try to prepare for that physical death ... I am so empathetic with you ... I am a RN, retired ... but as my own Ma slipped slowly away into Alzheimer's I was fortunate enough to be able to care for her (for about 10yrs) in our home .. such a struggle to adjust as she adjusted ... finding and keeping the help I needed to help with her ... oh I know this place you are in very well ... but you are doing all you can ... and from this poem one can tell your relationship with your mom was maintained through the years .. when it counted ... so many families don't have even that ... as they break .. into ill repair :( a big hug .. best prayers of support for you and yours .. and comfort for you Mum ... thank you for sharing this obviously very personal part of your life .. so honestly .. its stunning in the impact I feel
E.

[Chris Shaw]

Thank you for your empathy Mr E. Living two hundred miles away, with four grandchildren living with us between the ages of 18 - 25, one of whom has health problems, plus a sick daughter who lives nearby who needs support, I am limited in what I can do for my mum. It causes me anguish. Yes it is personal, but it is topical because many others are in similar circumstances and these situations are never straight forward. Your responses are always most welcome.

Chris

[Einstein Noodle]

oh my goodness Chris ... so much on your plate .. niggly guilt won't leave us alone :( this is my song for you ma'am ... now you listen to it ;)

[kathy rivers]

wow..i'm only 16 and i can't even begin to understand what you all are going through... but i think you all are amazing people and i will pray for y'all.

[Chris Shaw]

Thank you Kathy for your visit and prayers.

[kathy rivers]

it is really no problem...i am quite sure that y'all would do the same for me.

[lightsong]

dear Chris, I wish if You didn't send Your Mum this deeply heartfelt poem yet that soon You will. though I'm not in Your place but I understand and feel all Your strong emotions, from guilt to the nostalgia for the past, the little girl in You yearning for her Mum's warmth, I read before from You a poem about Your Mum, and I believe You have more, imagine how happy she would be if she knew about them all, I can imagine that...

though it's hard but don't feel guilty, I know as You know that You would give Your all if she was near, and have comfort dear Chris, that where she is, she is having a warm company from those whom are around her and the same as her, they understand each other and share their feelings together.

[Chris Shaw]

Dear Light, your words touched my heart and brought me some peace when I was restless. Thank you for remembering other poems I have written about the love I have for my wonderful mum.

Chris

[lightsong]

I pray that Peace will always fill Your heart dear Chris.

[Ted Kniffen]

Much like you, Chris, my mum is in a nursing home. She'll be 95 come November and has suffered with dementia the past several years. Nearly lost her to pneumonia in June, but she has bounced back. Most visits are an adventure...she is not always cognizant of time or surroundings and most assuredly dwells in the past where I'm sure it is nice to be with her mom...long since deceased.
Physically she is present...mentally, not so much. Still, she is mum.

Take care friend.

[Chris Shaw]

Dear Ted, I appreciate you sharing your own mum with me. Thank you so much.

Chris

[alanwgraham]

This is a very strong and honest piece of writing Christine. As you have so eloquently described it is a heartbreaking condition and there are no easy answers that don't involve anguish. You will connect with many here that don't involve feelings of guilt.
All the best.
Alan

[Chris Shaw]

Thank you Alan for your thoughtful and understanding response. Yes, it can cause heartache.

Chris

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

It is tough when we feel we can't do enough for our loved ones in need, especially the our parents who took care of us for years. I understand where you are coming from. I am sure all that you do do is appreciated.

[Chris Shaw]

Thank you Dale for your understanding, most appreciated.

Chris

[Barbara Walker]

Being pulled in so many directions, as it seems only women can be. And we are called the weaker sex. They should be so weak. This is such a from the heart and soul deep in the gut piece...I feel you and send much love.

[Chris Shaw]

Thank you Barbara for your thoughtful and understanding response. Very welcome.

Chris

[Lorry]

Guilt eats you away and you pick up the phone or visit, dreading the new version of someone who looks like the person you know and love. Then you feel guilty that you hope they only want to moan. It feels like a hammer to the guts when the stranger starts talking about things that never happened but are as convinced they did as you are they didn't.
It is a brutal and incomprehensible part of life that no one wins from Chris.
It leaves you wondering what life is all about that this is the end we come to.
Your damned if you do and damned if you don't. All the while watching them fade into fog.
I appreciate how tough these words are to write, I have tried and failed so many times, confused by which confusion is confusing us, we Bury our head in our hands and silently scream for one more day of clarity, to see them as they were. One moment even.
The only useful thing to come out of the guilt is it shows how much you care.

[Chris Shaw]

Thank you Lorry for sharing your thoughts on a subject that resonates with many. Sometimes you can feel alone with your your guilt while you know full well that this type of scenario is all too common. You have to work through it but often to me it feels like my own personal car crash. This my friend is an off loading.

Chris

[Lorry]

It plays with your mind too, and yes, alone and helpless.

[Chris Shaw]

How true that is Lorry. It does play on the mind and it does so when you least expect it. Laughing my head off one minute while eating out with all my family and then suddenly tears streaming like a tap that wouldn't stop. All I could say was I miss my Mum. Thank you for understanding and good morning to ya.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

yes, we love our parents...and when they are in a situation like this...it is just human to feel the need to attend to our own kids...and to feel the heartbreak of their (our parents' demise) and at times just not wanting to accept or deal with it.
and yet...we do call, we do visit, we do love.
a very truthful and moving write, Chris.
j.

[Chris Shaw]

Thanks Jacob. Always the guilt that we are not doing enough, when you have to accept that there is a limit and a balance to keep everything else in family life ticking over smoothly. I appreciate your understanding.

Chris

[Eilis]

This is a difficult place to be, Chris. I've experienced the same thing with several family members and it's never easy to feel like you've made the right choices. The memories and love you have for them are still part of the present, but they are not able to connect in the same ways.

My mother's mom lived with her for a time while she was suffering with Alzheimer's. She was not able to handle the responsibility of caring for her for long because she still had to work. Her mother would try to escape from the house when people weren't watching and do many other things that were dangerous to herself or others. It is hard. I understand. And the guilt also.

I'm sorry to read this today, but you've expressed the different facets of this struggle so well. It is never one simple thing, but rather a tumbling down of many things at once.

[Chris Shaw]

Many thanks Eilis for sharing your own experiences. These situations are rarely straight forward, read moreMany thanks Eilis for sharing your own experiences. These situations are rarely straight forward,
often complex and with other commitments to family well being and distance between where I live and where she is, it can prove challenging. We want to do more, but have to accept there is a limit abd that can be painful. I appreciate your visit.

Chris

[Dave Brown]

you have certainly touched on a very difficult time of life for any family to deal with.
I watched my old Mum slip into dementia, become necessarily institutionalized, and then become a complete stranger with no sense of reality.
Her death was actually a blessing
A sad time

[Chris Shaw]

I knew this would be a topic that would resonate with many. For all sorts of reasons we may not be able to help out as much as we would like to and that can be painful. Thanks for sharing and your visit Dave.
.
Chris