Car Crash

(when it isn't possible to juggle anymore and yet ...)

Most days I long for my Mum.

How can that be when I'm as busy

as a working bee, flitting about

for my own family, taking care

of all their needs?

While she is five counties to the West,

sitting in the same blue chair

in her nursing home of three years

staring blankly at four walls

locked inside her wandering thoughts.

I am caught in the headlights

between a cliff edge and a brick s**t house

that's a tough place to be permanently.

I visit when I can, take turns

with two sisters.

Though in reality my guts are twisted

my heart torn by guilt and my home

full to the brim with others.

In any case I couldn't give

her the level of care she requires.

Some days I can't even pick up the phone

because I fear hearing her cry out

or her distant voice moaning continually

about the food or she becomes

rude in her new self which is alien

to me.

Yes, some days I pick up the receiver

and before I have fully dialled,

my smile is erased, snuffed out 

as back it goes into its cradle.

Then I curse myself

for not being able to carry out a simple task,

asking myself why can't I do better.

Then out comes pen, paper and stamps

while I compose her a letter.

I love my Mum.

Reviews

[Einstein Noodle]

you do love her Christine ... i feel this turmoil of soul and deepening sadness .. when we take care of our parents in such a state it is so difficult .. guilt .. desire to help ... helpless ... a stranger has taken me Ma :( ... holds her captive .. we grieve that loss .. and we try to prepare for that physical death ... I am so empathetic with you ... I am a RN, retired ... but as my own Ma slipped slowly away into Alzheimer's I was fortunate enough to be able to care for her (for about 10yrs) in our home .. such a struggle to adjust as she adjusted ... finding and keeping the help I needed to help with her ... oh I know this place you are in very well ... but you are doing all you can ... and from this poem one can tell your relationship with your mom was maintained through the years .. when it counted ... so many families don't have even that ... as they break .. into ill repair :( a big hug .. best prayers of support for you and yours .. and comfort for you Mum ... thank you for sharing this obviously very personal part of your life .. so honestly .. its stunning in the impact I feel
E.

[Chris Shaw]

Thank you for your empathy Mr E. Living two hundred miles away, with four grandchildren living with us between the ages of 18 - 25, one of whom has health problems, plus a sick daughter who lives nearby who needs support, I am limited in what I can do for my mum. It causes me anguish. Yes it is personal, but it is topical because many others are in similar circumstances and these situations are never straight forward. Your responses are always most welcome.

Chris

[Einstein Noodle]

oh my goodness Chris ... so much on your plate .. niggly guilt won't leave us alone :( this is my song for you ma'am ... now you listen to it ;)

[kathy rivers]

wow..i'm only 16 and i can't even begin to understand what you all are going through... but i think you all are amazing people and i will pray for y'all.

[Chris Shaw]

Thank you Kathy for your visit and prayers.

[kathy rivers]

it is really no problem...i am quite sure that y'all would do the same for me.

[Neville]

I get this entirely Chris and although I bet, because it is so very real and so very you, you wish upon wishing that you had never felt so obliged and duty bound to pen what must surely be some of the most poignant, gut wrenching yet compelling lines I have read in a very long time .. some words need to be got out in order to purge and to clean ourselves .. I imagine these words are such words .. Like I already said, I get this entirely Chris .. and feel so sorry that you ever found it necessary to compose them in the first place too.

Neville

[Chris Shaw]

Thank you Neville. I haven’t read this poem for a long time. However, when I think of my mum now. I know I did my best for her in the circumstances I was in at that time. What an outpouring here.

[Neville]

................................... 💛

[Robert Trakofler]

Wow Chris first thing out of the gate I love that you shared this feeling. I so identify with it and honestly i do much the same thing only my editor tells me don't call she cant hear most of the time and its frustrating i sort of adopted her she isn't my mother but I have for many years taken care of her but two years ago she had to go to a home she kept falling and I had the unfortunate task of moving her to a safer place I try to visit her once a week but some weeks I cant muster the energy she isn't happy about losing her independence and rightfully so and of course I am the brunt of her angst a role I do not cherish but accept... :)

[Chris Shaw]

Dear Bunny, thank you for sharing your story with me. So many of us are going through similar. It's good to know we aren't alone.

Chris

[Kesch (Finding Julia)]

such a heart tugging read, so full of emotion

[Chris Shaw]

Thank you Kesch. Always appreciate your visits.

Chris

[kitty]

Funny how incidents/situations in life can resemble in our lives. My mum had Parkinson's and was in hospital for a while and feelings and emotions tally there. Takes us back to when youth was the flavour of the day!

[Chris Shaw]

When youth was flavour of the day kitty, we certainly didn't have to agonize over our parents. Sadly that comes later and often for many as you my friend will know. Thank you for visiting this little write.

Chris

[kitty]

Nice to share thoughts and feelings!

[Dave]

Chris - having come to know you through your writings I know that you are a loving caring soul. Be that as it may there is only so much that you can do, that you can be expected to do. I'm sure you are and have gone far beyond what anyone might expect of you. I told you that I visit a couple of gentlemen in a healthcare facility. I see many other patients there who are in dire need for someone to come and visit them. I'm sure you would love to be able to see you mom more, but I'm positive that when she sees you she is delighted.

Take care - Dave

[Chris Shaw]

Thank you Dave. My mum isn't short of visitors as my step Dad calls in each day. It's just that I can't get to see her because of the distance and other things. Many thanks for this lovely response. It is much appreciated.

Chris

[Dave]

You are much more than welcome.

Take care - Dave

[Edie Blue Starfish]

so heart breaking to be torn like this but sometimes we are needed right where we are.
and it's hard to witness the slow deterioration of a loved one. I watched this happen with my grandparents.

[Chris Shaw]

It can be so difficult juggling and trying to get a balance. Many thank yous Edie for your compassionate response.

Chris

[Mustafa]

Very well written! emotional

[Chris Shaw]

Thank you for visiting my page Mustafa and leaving a review. Greatly appreciated.

Chris

[wordman]

don`t beat your self up,,we took care of my mother in law,it took all of us
i don`t regret it but it was a great effort

[Chris Shaw]

Thank you Ron for sharing. I. Appreciate your visit.

Chris

[wordman]

you`re welcome chris,she will be fine

[DAH]

A heartfelt poem. I understand. I've been there.
All that we can do is to keep pushing, stay focused, keep smiling
and think of our parents with love and only love.

Peace and Light, Christine,
DAH

[Chris Shaw]

Thank you DAH for both your visit and sharing. Appreciated.

Chris

[DAH]

My pleasure!