The Colour of Silence

My Mother - Lost in Limbo, in a nursing home for the last four years.

Heat on frozen lips, maternal steam.

Pleasing like the taste of Columbian coffee,

or fingertips easing away

those hapless cares on a lousy day.

Bright as a hundred watt bulb,

light illuminating a blackened room.

She chases shadows.

Brushes aside gloom tucked into tight corners.

Lavender balm soothes and calms

at the end of a phone.

She embraces a sweeping view,

moods of a fickle sea,

she relates from cushioned comfort

while sipping breakfast tea.

Back arched in a carver chair,

five counties east, as the crow flies,

I hunger to hear her voice,

receiver pressed to my ear.

- 

There's a host of things I miss.

I can still plant a kiss when I visit,

yet it's the phone calls and the chats

and the fact that she can't converse

which hurts most.

But her eyes reflect her soul.

She is neither here nor there

and her empty stare speaks volumes.

Reviews

[Lydia Shutter]

Heartbreaking words, Chris. When you lose a loved one who is actually still breathing, it is more tragic than their death could ever be. I can picture her in bed sipping tea and thinking thoughts of yesteryear. My heart goes out to you. That empty stare is difficult to see, but who knows what is happening inside her heart? She is still your mother. Lydi***

[Chris Shaw]

Thank you dear Lydi**. I just hope she has some form of contentment in her world. That she has nice thoughts of our family that she can reflect on. It is difficult to understand what or how she feels in this half way house stage.

Chris

[Coyote Poetry]

The people who gave-in, gave-up. Empty stares. Their story could break our heart. Honest words made the reader feel the emotions of the words dear Chris. Thank you for sharing the amazing poetry and your thoughts.
Coyote

[Chris Shaw]

Yes Coyote, the empty stares tell me they have already left. Thank you so much.

Chris

[Coyote Poetry]

You are right Chris and you are welcome.

[Norman 223]

The pain of seeing a loved one reduced to a "shell" by demntia, is only mitigated by the hopeful knowledge, that they themselves are unaware. I have seen 3 friends and relatives affected by this, and in 2 cases it has affected relatively young and seeming fit people. One ironically, was our local GP,whom we had known for years. You touching poem highlights how this , at present, can only receive palliative care. Fortunately the are many excellent nursing homes, despite the more publicised profit orientated travesties..
Norman

[Chris Shaw]

Dear Norman, thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and thoughts on this subject. I really appreciate that you have done so.

Chris

[Lorry]

Heartbreaking Chris, truly heartbreaking.
I know all too well that loss. I faded from my mums memory years ago and couldn't call or visit at all after her recognition went, as she would just panic at why a stranger was in her home.
It is a harsh punishment for all involved to see someone you love fade, with roles reversing and us kids becoming the grownup. Life can be so cruel.

[Chris Shaw]

Your response so sad Lorry. That must have been incredibly oai ful for you. No wonder you relate. Life is certainly cruel at times. Happy Saturday.

Chris

[Lorry]

It wouldnt be so bad if the memory going left them the few years left as kids, forgetting all the worries, but it only seems to intensify them and create more that simply arent there. Maybe the eskimos had the right idea all along, setting them adrift on an ice raft. Sounds horrible, but is it any worse than forgetting yourself and others? Being a grown up sucks.

[Chris Shaw]

I do know what you mean. I heard an old lady crying for her husband thinking he'd just died. He had been dead for twenty years. Breaks your heart. Yes getting old sucks big time and not with cherries on it either :(

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Remorselessly sad. It digs itself under your skin and haunts each waking day when someone so beloved leaves in 'still life'. So full of wonderful description and emotion Chris.

[Chris Shaw]

Thank you John. It is a very hard situation to deal with. You don't really come to terms with it. Happy Saturday.

Chris

[John Alexander McFadyen]

You too. Tis a rugby weekend so happy, happy, happy!

[Chris Shaw]

Enjoy :).....

[Stella Armour]

I have cared for so many people lost in limbo and it can be heartbreaking, more so for the nearest and dearest . When they have recognition it is so short lived and yet means so much.
Life can be very cruel at times..

[Chris Shaw]

As a carer you would know Stella. Life is a b***h at times and it is so hard for the nearest and dearest as you say. You don't come to terms with it, you just get on with it.

Chris

[Stella Armour]

the only thing i can say is that it is in the beginning of the loss of memory and when confusion starts that is the worst time for the sufferer because he/she recognises their decline. Once they go into that little world of their own it is harder for you but possibly easier for them... they don't remember what went before like you do. Hope this make sense and think about it ... love to you both xx

[Gee]

Man that's sad, beautifully wtitten.
My old mum is my moon, sun, tides, seasons, a constant that I know one day I'll wake up without, and be at a loss to make sense of the fact.
Hi Christine, hope you're still in possession of your tights :))

[Chris Shaw]

Tights Gee? I'm not a ballerina and I'm a jeans type of gal. More likely to be socks or none at all :) Thank you for your words,, and make the most of your lovely Mum.

Chris

[Gee]

Hmmmm, tights don't do much for a women apart from making their butts look like bald burglars

[Chris Shaw]

Funny :))........

[jacob erin-cilberto]

oh Chris, i can so relate to this....in 2014 when my mom passed, i was told that in the last hours she would wake up, look around and then fall back to sleep---and i still remember just picking up the phone and calling her to check in...how excited she would get.
and my dad spent his last couple years in a home for dementia patients...my last visit with him we had lunch with a couple of his buddies...he knew me...and it was a great last visit...but i remember turning around to look at him as i was leaving...and there he was, sitting at the table...just staring straight ahead...i wondered what he was thinking.
It was as you say in your poem...what seemed an empty stare.
losing that contact with both of them...is something i still miss so much.

j.

[Gee]

So much love and longing in this review Jacob, very moving :)

[jacob erin-cilberto]

Chris' wonderful poem moved me so much.

[Chris Shaw]

Thank you Jacob for sharing your very sad memories of your parents. It is heartbreaking to see them decline and then lose them. My mum has been in this limbo state for sometime. You never know what to expect when you visit. I appreciate that you came back a second time to leave a further comment so I know my words touched you very much. Not sure that's a good or bad thing. I always appreciate your visits.

Chris