Believe me

hmm... experimenting with a new type of poetry.

So, after reading a lot of other writers work on this site I got the inspiration to incorporate conversation and dialogue into a poem. This is my first attempt at doing this, but its an interesting style so you may see if again in the future.

Believe Me

“What are you afraid of?” I ask him.

Silent lips but air buzzing with the chatter of racing blood.

 

“I’m real.” I reassure him.

Eyes drift on the dreary floor, avoiding the fire in my pupils like they're a blinding sun.

 

“I meant every word I’ve ever said to you.” I cry, voice cracking with passion, love, lust.

Mouth parts and inhales a deep breath, but indecisive with ponder.

 

“Well, just know that right now... I’m putting myself out there more then I ever have. I’m taking a chance because you’re worth it. I’m scared shitless that I’ll get hurt, but I want you so badly I’ll suffer the wounds and their scars, the pain of a thousand bullets until you believe me.” Voice raging, breathless, pleading… so unlike me.

His head shaking, tilting, swaying.

 

“I tried.” I whisper after hours of silence. Back turns to the door, hesitating on the handle before I turn it with defeat.

He cringes, shifting on the hands sitting under him.

 

And then I’m up against the wall, his body pressed against mine. His kiss like a raging flame at its peak. His hands over every inch of me. His breath warming the disbelief that had begun to shiver my neck.

As they graze my ear, I feel the heated moan of his words-

"I feel the same" licking me, believing me.

Reviews

[Fabian G. Franklin]

This is a poem of counter indications: "I meant every word I’ve ever said" :"indecisive with ponder"...even the young man seems caught up in the indecision...he has no vow of his own or even the bravery to repeat hers...but instead offers an entirely unbelievable:"I feel the same"...it seems there is more sex and sweat than honesty and feeling here...hormones in control...I want to rush into the moment and tell them both how silly they are! Love...that's the GOOD stuff! But love isn't lust or sex or romance...although those things can be a part...but only a small part of love...it's like a drop of water in the ocean. Love is hard work and dedication, sacrifice and determination...it's caring more about the happiness of another than you do your own...and it's the best thing there is. You'll never hear of anyone wanting to fall into sacrifice and hard work...if you do...they are an idiot! lol The problem with love, you see, is between what we've been sold as love...Valentine's Day...candy and flowers, steamy sex and sweet poetic romance...and the ACTUALITY of love...RESPONSIBILITY...HARD WORK...SACRIFICE...etc. And it's hardly ever appreciated or even given thanks for...but...love is its own reward...it expects nothing in return...because it's all about giving and making SOMEONE ELSE happy. Love does not seek its own happiness. If you see parents working two jobs to feed and clothe their children who grow up and move away and never call or come to visit unless the kids need money or want something and you see those same parents never refusing those ungrateful children...you are looking at love. But don't expect it to be pretty or sweet or sexy or glamorous... I like the idea of the conversation incorporated in this but I just had to point out the fallacy I felt existed in this scene. I give you high marks regardless...it takes courage to bare your soul and courage is a thing that is highly underrated and just as misunderstood as love. But it is a thing which I appreciate.

[Shasta]

Great poem. I loved reading it.

[Sarah Jane]

Oh wow. YOu caught me off gaurd and I acually sat up when I got there :D this is amazing and sooo...wow, very yummy

[Calypso]

Wow so passionate! The electricy seemed to have come threw the computer it was so powerful!

[Frank F. Atanacio]

I enjoyed this stroy-poem I think it was well done and reached its target Right -on or Write -on either way :) Frank

[Machiavelli]

Very nice you should make more like this

[Truman S. Booth]

Fantastic. Another brilliant write. I loved that the dialog was realistic--that is, it wasn't strictly poetic, but sounded like something someone would actually say--and contrasted with the very poetic narration outside quotation marks.

I also liked that neither of the characters are genuinely in love with each other. She never says, outside of dialog, that she actually feels the way she says she does. In fact, she hints that she is lying, adding "lust" to her list of emotions. An interesting take on a love poem. Very well done.

[Misty Blue Eyes]

wow this is truely amazing

[TAO]

for a first attempt, I'm truly impressed (not that it means anything). This is truly a very good piece. Your descriptive abilities hold very real power, Ms, and paint a very clear picture in our minds. Outstanding work, Ms.

[cassandra violet]

Hey guys- I changed the ending a bit! :)