With some of my personal crises beginning to amp up, I felt
that writing again was going to be beneficial to my well being and state of
mind. I knew I would have at least two
days free, and I was already feeling that I should make a serious,
all out effort to write, so I have slept minimum hours and worked
this site like pro works her corner! I
felt that my mojo was not gone, but on pause?
Because I understand my thought processes, I knew that I should not set
myself up to fail by having any expectations of producing original content. l could take some of that pressure off my
head by throwing myself into reading and reviewing, by making my reviews as
insightful and as HONEST as possible, by really thinking each one through: what is the author’s goal? Did I react the way the author intended…or
did I respond from this barren, rocky surface-of-the-moon place in my head and
get it all wrong; each piece I read was a mini-course/seminar to refresh my
writing knowledge as well as a test of my perception.
It has been exhilarating to be with my own kind. I, in the
physical world have a handful of treasured and dear friends, but there are no
writers. We share values, experiences,
beliefs even politics, but I’m the only writer.
This sets me apart in ways that they don’t see (and they are as smart as
me because, well, they just are!). Some
of you know about the intense personal issues I have right now and these, too,
not so much alienate me but they claim my time and attention. Add my Dysthymia, that is currently
unmedicated because my shrink felt that with my history of fighting to not be
broken by events and other people’s buuuullllshit, with the coming hard
emotional and physical challenges, I would do better with all my warrior
instincts unfettered. He explained that
soldiers are sometimes uneasy in peacetime and are at their best when an “enemy”
is at hand. I gave it thought, and
agreed. Since March, I have worked very
hard to monitor and stay on top of my reactions to circumstances and people
because…because…suddenly I can’t find the right words to explain this and
floundering is not something I do well, if at all. Okay. I
make decisions, right or wrong, I don’t waffle and dally about…I mentally run
through logistics and how I can accomplish or survive whichever the situation
calls for and proceed. There’s time for
wailing and flailing about when the crisis has passed, but the very nature of a
crisis demands immediate action or at least the decision of which plan of
action is the most feasible and prepare.
I have to remind myself, check myself that not every obstacle is a
battle or enemy and that I’m responding to normal daily life’s inconveniences
in an appropriate manner. Whew! I did it.
I’ll be back in a minute.
I have developed my own version of Jedi mind tricks over the
past 15 years and some of these have served me well this past year. For example, I never respond to emotional
situations in the moment. I give myself
time and if I still feel I need to take action/say something in 12 to 24 hours…then
it’s a valid response. This means that
only a handful of people, AND NOW THE ELITE INTERNATIONAL COLLECTION OF WRITERS
OF THE CAFÉ, are even aware that my responses are thoughtful, well considered
evaluations of a situation and I have deemed, yeah, I said it - deemed the situation worthy of my time…or
not. It gives me the illusion of control
because I know that no one can control everything. But the illusion is an acceptable placebo,
and I swallow it with my Adderall every damn morning.
I have made the case of what I suspected--writing, any
writing, is necessary; the leaping and cavorting about with other writers is
just fun.
I appreciate all of your participation in my mental health
journey. Please grab a survey from the back
table on the left. Complete the form and
mail it to me in the postage paid envelope.
There are cookies and kool-aid -- AHH, settle down, a little trust,
yeah? Anyway, refreshments at the back
table on the right and we’ll be in touch.
Drive safely, folks and have a Good Night.