You Know You Need a Salad When:

Just a few things I've noticed in the last couple of weeks...

You Know You Need A Salad When:

 

You have to polish your toenails in a runner’s stretch:  one leg underneath, knee to chin and the other leg stretched behind you because bending at the waist cuts off your circulation.

 

Your friends ask you if you’re using a new product on your face �" “Your wrinkles are barely there, anymore!”, and you tell them it’s a new diet:  of Double Stuffed Oreos, Nacho Flavored Doritos, and Milky Ways.  Fat Cells, not Cindy Crawford’s magic French melons.

 

Your Spanx just prevents jiggle, doesn’t change the silhouette, sucking it in can only be sustained for 3.2 minutes and is now, in your opinion, an Olympic event.

 

Your feet are a half size bigger.

 

You want to celebrate the birthday of the person who designed the tunic.

 

You actually order a salad, but with a side of loaded baked potato complete with extra butter and sour cream.

 

Life has no meaning without mashed potatoes and fried…well, anything.

 

You laugh when you step up to order food, say “One of everything”, but you really mean it in your cholesterol choked heart and wish your paycheck would actually cover that order.

 

You consider everything less than 500 calories to be “diet” or “lite”.

 

You demurely refuse dessert…after four breadsticks and a lumberjack portion of Chicken Alfredo. 

 

You have to move the driver’s seat back but you claim it’s because air bags can kill you.

 

You finally have boobage, but that “sexy” bra pushes them up under your chin and they now seem a little threatening that close to your throat.

 

You tell your friends you’re “packing” and they assume it’s a gun.  They’re right…but it’s really because running is simply out of the question.

 

And this ends all the humiliation my fat a*s can take today, so Bite Me!   No…really, take a big bite outta the crime that has become my body! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reviews

[Great Aunt Astri]

Do you know what I discovered? Well I used to have a HUGE appetite and always hungry. Then it transpired that I was milk intolerant (it was playing havoc with my digestion and absorption of food, apparently) Then I went dairy free, and now that my body is actually absorbing the nutrients I need, I am hardly ever hungry. I am enjoying my food and actually losing weight! But I enjoyed your story, it is a humorous reminder of what yet might be!

[Carol Cashes]

Fortunately (or unfortunately depending on how you want to see it) I have no such issues. I absorb every single molecule of nutrients, calories, preservatives and even Red Dye #5? 4? #'s 1-10? Don't matter, if it's in there, it's in my belly! I love good food, and up until age 55, it didn't stick around. However, the change came at age 49, and I guess the prerequisite number of years it takes for your body to decide to betray you had passed and I have to periodically...eat...*gag* salads.

[Jon Roggie]

I read this after looking at recipes for cheesecake. All because I want to have a slice of cheesecake dipped in dark chocolate on a popsicle stick. Also, it is time for deep fried turkey.

[Carol Cashes]

*monotone* deep...fried...turkey...
The only fowl recipe that rivals that is Beer Butt Chicken!

[Jon Roggie]

My setup can fry three whole chickens at a time. Being Americans, we will attempt to fry anything. Deep fried prime rib. Also, we get to shake our heads at the idiots who mess up. Go ahead ahead and put a frozen turkey into 350 degree oil.

[Carol Cashes]

I know, right?! Who hasn't seen that video every Thanksgiving? And the Allstate commercial...

[Jon Roggie]

Now, I really want to fry a turkey....

[Carol Cashes]

And I really want mashed potatoes and turkey giblet gravy....

[Jon Roggie]

Let me see. One large container of peanut oil, one 13 pound turkey, at least five pounds of potatoes, already have extra turkey stock in the freezer to add to the giblets....

Few months early, and it is a little warm, but still an option.

[Jacob Clifford]

Hilarious! Very poignant descriptions that get the point across along with a few laughs. I used to eat like the world was ending, but for the past couple months I've made an effort to eat better. I know doing so has a laundry list of health benefits, but reading this story and all the delicious descriptions of food sparked my cravings. Just need a little willpower, right? Haha . . . (sigh)

[Carol Cashes]

Yes, suddenly anything with at least a stick of butter in it, or triple fried, or covered in heavy cream sauce, well...I'm worse than a crack-hoe! Guess I'll have to go to Fat A*s Trouble (FAT). "Hello, my name is Carol, and I love gravy, juicy hamburgers and 47 layer burritos."

[Joshua Carl Cruz]

oh so funny and true to life. i think that the end where you pop your head out of the writing to take that final breath as the narrator directing people to bite you which is a punny ending to be sure. the adjectives were mixing together with the flow of words very well in lots of places.. and i thought about the work that goes into making excuses. these were clever points lending humour to every challenge faced, and the pacing worked well. good job

[Carol Cashes]

Thank you for reading this rant. If every word weren't true, I'd laugh with you, but I will take a bow as the "Joan Rivers" (per Gee) of the Writer's Cafe. As an angry, pasty, middle aged white lady, my anger is real and always waiting for someone to slip up. I've learned to make myself laugh, and let's face it, I'm hilarious, and can usually defuse any potential jail time. Read Creative Cussin' for a tutorial on my special brand of therapy. I, personally swear by it....

[AcasualPawn]

Ohhh you totally sounds like you(in the mirror)........

[Carol Cashes]

Huh? Mirrors have become quite hateful to me lately, and I have become partial to candlelight - does wonders for my complexion!

[AcasualPawn]

Inner or outer

[Carol Cashes]

Is this a deep question? Cuz I gots lots of inner beauty - if you like sarcastic angry women. It's jus' the outside is showing middle age and I'm frettin' it. I was a hottie for too long and now it hurts my feelings.

[AcasualPawn]

Well, wellllllll, masked faker.......
You fall in my category...

[Carol Cashes]

Hmmm...your "voice" sounds very familiar. Are you sure you're not in Nassau? The Bahamas?

[AcasualPawn]

Are you sure you're not in Nassau? The Bahamas?


Please elaborate

[Carol Cashes]

Again, your wording suggests this is a second or another profile for the same person I'm thinking of. Now, call me what you did once before and I'll know for sure. Won't tell, it's your business, just feels a little familiar....

[AcasualPawn]

No iam a true faker...
Only one fake profile

[Carol Cashes]

Hmmm....whatever you say...But, can "true" and "faker" be combined with any real meaning? I think you're f*****g with me, and that's okay. It's an insomnia night for me and I got the time.

[AcasualPawn]

Now, now you sounds dangerous..........

So pass your time with whatever...