You Know You Need a Salad When:

Just a few things I've noticed in the last couple of weeks...

You Know You Need A Salad When:

 

You have to polish your toenails in a runner’s stretch:  one leg underneath, knee to chin and the other leg stretched behind you because bending at the waist cuts off your circulation.

 

Your friends ask you if you’re using a new product on your face �" “Your wrinkles are barely there, anymore!”, and you tell them it’s a new diet:  of Double Stuffed Oreos, Nacho Flavored Doritos, and Milky Ways.  Fat Cells, not Cindy Crawford’s magic French melons.

 

Your Spanx just prevents jiggle, doesn’t change the silhouette, sucking it in can only be sustained for 3.2 minutes and is now, in your opinion, an Olympic event.

 

Your feet are a half size bigger.

 

You want to celebrate the birthday of the person who designed the tunic.

 

You actually order a salad, but with a side of loaded baked potato complete with extra butter and sour cream.

 

Life has no meaning without mashed potatoes and fried…well, anything.

 

You laugh when you step up to order food, say “One of everything”, but you really mean it in your cholesterol choked heart and wish your paycheck would actually cover that order.

 

You consider everything less than 500 calories to be “diet” or “lite”.

 

You demurely refuse dessert…after four breadsticks and a lumberjack portion of Chicken Alfredo. 

 

You have to move the driver’s seat back but you claim it’s because air bags can kill you.

 

You finally have boobage, but that “sexy” bra pushes them up under your chin and they now seem a little threatening that close to your throat.

 

You tell your friends you’re “packing” and they assume it’s a gun.  They’re right…but it’s really because running is simply out of the question.

 

And this ends all the humiliation my fat a*s can take today, so Bite Me!   No…really, take a big bite outta the crime that has become my body! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reviews

[Macciola]

Who needs a salad when there are more delicious things out there! Fine fine, a salad, but maybe more than just one...

The boobage one got me because oh god, it is threatening to see

[Kuteybird]

Literally LMAO!! So relatable to most likely every woman alive!!! I found my self internally screaming "ME TOO!!" sharing this with my mother too :)

[Carol Cashes]

I'm not really considered a ray of sunshine among my friends, so I'm happy I could make someone smile, and not with evil payback brewing in their heads!

[Samuel Dickens]

Ha-ha! Peter Gabriel said, "I don't mind being old so much as I mind being old and fat." Ain't that the truth! And to think my weight at the end of high school was 145. Now my feet weigh that much.

[Carol Cashes]

Oh, my God! I flashed on Hobbit - Sam Baggins Dickens? Too, too funny!

[Samuel Dickens]

Now the secret is out. Care to join me in second breakfast?

[Carol Cashes]

Good one! I'm laughing...B. feels good enough to cook breakfast this morning and I'm not telling him about the toast and jelly I had at 4:30 am so I literally am having a second breakfast! *laughing* Where you been all week, missed you.

[Julie McCarthy (juliesp..]

Lol love this
It made me laugh
I start my salads tomorrow it's Sunday in Sydney tomorrow

[Carol Cashes]

"start my salads" sounds like you're surrendering to start your prison sentence...
I'm glad you found this funny, I'm still sore from that runner's stretch - but my toenails are pretty in pink!

[Julie McCarthy (juliespenhere)]

Lol
No I need to try

[Gee]

You have quickly risen to the " go to " place to gave a read. I comment not often because I am a shite reviewer, but have read most of your posts and am a fan ( middle aged, prone to pissing on people's sofas, have never more needed a bidet and hair grows more quickly up my nose and out of my ears than it does on my head ) of your writing.
Carry on Cashes I say, carry on.....

[Carol Cashes]

And you, Gee, always make me laugh! I appreciate that you told me you read my work, even if you don't post. But I get it on the "fan" stereotype: my poms poms are too heavy and walkin' onto the field worked up an appetite and now I'm all hangry...so *dull monotone* yea!...you...

[Kelly Scheppers]

I'm well convinced that in my next life, I shall be a rabbit...but life without mashed potatoes? No way!!

Great job!

[Carol Cashes]

*dulll monotone* mashed potatoes...gravy...BISCUITS!!!

[Jimmy Yetts]

Don't mind b***s under my chin--not my own, of course.
Ya dun good, Carol; conjured up all manner of humorous images.
A truly fun read!

[Carol Cashes]

I'm a straight, pasty, middle-aged white lady, and someone else's b***s wouldn't bother me too much either, but my own? They are vaguely threatening that close to my throat!

[Annette Pisano-Higley]

"Boobage"- absolutely cracked me up! The entire poem is awesome and I think your next career should be in stand-up comedy! Thank you for the honesty, stellar humor and much-needed belly-laughs ( pun So intended!)..

[Carol Cashes]

This "stand up" you speak of, is that standing upright, and for exactly how long? Just changing out the runner's stretch from one leg to another has become what I envision to be approximately 30 minutes on a Bowflex...

I'm glad I could make you laugh. *snort* "belly-laughs" Mine sure needs to do something besides make my pants feel like maybe they're not a good "fit" with this company I affectionately call Miz Carol's Horrible-Warning-to-Those-Who-Pass-Me-The-Biscuits-Every-Time-I-Ask.

[Annette Pisano-Higley]

Mine too! Estrogen is a fair-weather friend- she has abandoned us and left us in crisis- egg-shaped crisis at that! :):):(

[Carol Cashes]

I am laughing so hard, the crumbs in my bra shifted. Ow! The word "estrogen" just made me realize why I'm such an angry woman: I give my husband testosterone shots every two weeks - I must be absorbing that. Could be why I don't know whether to cry or kick somebody's a*s!

[Annette Pisano-Higley]

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! :D :):):):):)

[Summer Nazarian]

Very entertaining. After a certain age mature women just don't give a crap. We earned every pound and wrinkle and there's more to life than allowing a scale or people to dictate how we care for our bodies. You are amazing Carol. Excellent work.

[barleygirl]

This is truly funny & original! I was reminded of when I used to go to a so-called "Salad Bar" and I ate more fattening foods there than anywhere! But didn't we feel self-righteous!??! There are some very hilarious zingers here for those of us who don't take our bodies too seriously! *wink! wink!* Thanks for the laugh!

[Carol Cashes]

I'm glad you could laugh. This was inspired by the first lines. My husband walked in on me while I was in that runner's stretch paintin' my toenails and asked me what the hell was I doing. After glaring him into silence and retreat, the rest just came to me.

[barleygirl]

That opening pose definitely started off your poem in the hilarious lane! Nicely visual fodder . . .