My Mother

EEHHH...Just Read, Part III

After writing “EEHHH…No Title, Just Read”, in which I disclose that my mother is dying, I’ve been remembering so many things about her and, while all are worth sharing, I will write to you of the best.

Sorry men.  Not apologetic men.  But “sah-ree” men.  These are men who are low class, no class, lyin’, cheatin’ wife beaters.  And according to my mother there is only one cure �" a rusty axe.

She’s not talking about murder.  Nope.  She’s talking about using a rusty sharp object to remove their…well, I’ll go with clinical so as to not offend anyone’s sensibilities�"their testicles. 

This has always made me laugh.  Don’t know what it says about me as a person, but imagine!  A lyin’ cheatin’ wife beater losing the very thing they think makes them a man.  Ha!  Rusty axes, indeed.

I told her one day that I wanted to write a story about The Rusty Axe Choir, you know, all sopranos?   Still working out the logistics of that:  do they meet at the Annual “Missing” Ball?  Or a support group for Sorry Men Who Are Now Really, Really Sorry?  So many options, and so little time now to write it for her. 

As her health has been failing for some time now, she tells me that when friends call and ask “How are you?”, she replies “Is that a greeting or a question?”  Most don’t really get it, but she’s put it out there, and pretty much knows who really wants to know about her condition that day and who wants to gossip.  As her time is growing short, she would, if she could, limit conversation to more important matters, but also understands that some people are uncomfortable with stark and hard truths, and must fill the time with inconsequential chatter as a means of staying connected.

Hospice has not been called in officially, yet.  During the consultation, they advised her that she would have to give up all her doctors.  Medicaid/Medicare will only pay for one or the other�"the doctor(s) or hospice.  That would be okay�"with one exception, her eye doctor.  This is the heartless b*****d that pokes a very long needle into her eyeball every thirty days so that she can continue to see, with the aid of a bright light and a magnifying glass.  She’s not ready to give up sight, yet, and will make that decision when her pain and inability to care for herself becomes too much.   This seems so unfair that she would have to choose.  But I was told (ordered!) by her not to worry about it, there will be plenty of worry material later in the final days.  Of course, my petulant, adolescent mind said “Hmmph!  She can’t tell me what to do�"I’m grown”, but, of course she’s right.  I have plenty to worry about without “borrowing trouble” as she calls it.

My mother is the quintessential Southern Belle.  It’s a religion, for those who aren’t acquainted with it personally, one I’ve strayed from a great deal in the last years.  I do, however, have ingrained in me certain codes of behavior that I still adhere to.  There is NEVER a time or place for wailing and flailing about in public.  EVER.  That is reserved for when you are behind closed doors.  In public, dignity and composure is the manner in which you comport yourself, and anything less is unacceptable.  Although some of you might find it hard to believe, but outside of my home (or my car!), I do not make scenes or raise my voice.  I have mastered the art of telling someone to go straight to hell and don’t take no cussin’ turns without sharing it with anyone not in the conversation.  Yup, that’s me�"Miss Manners.

This is just a brief sharing of some of the things on my mind this morning.  I know there is more to come, and will exorcise demons and share her words of wisdom as needed.

Thanks to all who read these posts.  The writing helps me sort both my feelings and thoughts through this process and is as necessary as my coffee and my cats.

 

 

 

Author's Note

Part III of EEHHH...Just Read

Reviews

[olla]

your Mother reminds me so much of mine.. although not a Southern Belle.. my Mom also had a way of dressing one down without profanity or raising her voice above "private conversation" and she also had her "cure" for men of low character.. I like the 'Missing Ball" although my Mom would have gone a bit farther.. She was diagnosed with her final battle five years before any of her children knew and made no concession to it.. we had to find out from her Doctor.. she always said that we all had to pay the piper sooner or later.. my Mom was full on Nebraska Swede.. I had a client once that was from generations of Louisiana culture.. she was the first real Southern Woman I ever met.. I have a much deeper respect because of her.. again I thank you for sharing your Mother with us..

[barleygirl]

I understand the way you wrote this, as an outpouring of things on your mind, some scattered, some well-thought-out. This is a good example for others who have not yet grown into a healthy bit of self-preservation, as an example about how to be sincerely caring without sacrificing your well-being. I like this entire trilogy as an outpouring without crafting. But if you ever wanted to (or maybe you already have), you could write an entire piece about how your mom has made "southern belle" an artform. That could be done with much fun & playfulness, but alas this piece is a bit heavy, so we don't appreciate that little tidbit as much, maybe! Thanks for sharing your honesty.

[Carol Cashes]

I had already considered a piece on the Southern Belle Doctrine and you're right, it was an outpouring and somewhat scattered. She has many sayings that I've never heard anyone else use, and that's been percolatin' in my gray matter for a few weeks...
Honesty is demanded when the stakes are literally life and death...I appreciate your willingness to bear witness to this as I go through it.

[Ken Simm.]

From your desription your Mother sounds honourable and dignified but with, (you would call it Sass. I would as a Brit call it Cheek) fun.
This is a beautiful and moving piece. Even the bit about the rusty axe which caused me to nod even whilst crossing my legs instinctively.
As a little aside I was reminded of my Auntie Mabel who in an attempt to sound posh would call the hospice she was in a 'Horsepiss'. Which I thought was wonderful.
May your Mother continue to present her diginity to the world for as long as she wishes.

[Carol Cashes]

Your last line is my greatest wish for her. As one who has always acted with elegant grace in public, that she might be reduced to a pain wracked wretch is almost unbearable to me. But I am mother's daughter, and few will witness my howls of NOT FAIR! Thank you for reading this. It is only the beginning...

[Great Aunt Astri]

It is always interesting to read another's writing on what's happening in their lives. Your mother sounds lovely, and a motley threat with her rusty axe! I hope all goes reasonably peacefully.

[Carol Cashes]

My mother is one of the most interesting, intelligent and CONTRARY women I've ever known. I love her fiercely, although we are oil and water, but we share a powerful and intense bond, and I will be honored if I am present when she dies, as she was present when I took first breath.

[Julie McCarthy (juliespenhere)]

I was with my mum at her last breath I wouldn't of missed that for the world it was a blessing that I was able to be there
I do not dwell on that memory though good luck in your journey with your mum xx

[Great Aunt Astri]

Don't dwell on what ght happen .. just enjoy the days you have now.

[Annette Pisano-Higley]

Wow, this brought back so many painful memories. It is a beautiful and honest tribute to your mother in her last days. Sometimes those days are the most golden for sharing and feeling. Great description of "the quintessential Southern Belle"- "it's a religion."-great! You share her feistiness, down-to-earth-ness and no-nonsense-ness (!) .My mom went through the needle treatment also. She never made it to Hospice care. The hardest time ever. I still can't talk about it. Sending peace and blessings.

[Carol Cashes]

You're a nurse so I know you'll understand when I say I hope that she dies in her sleep. Lung cancer is not kind and she doesn't deserve to die so badly. I can't remember if you read EEHHH!! Part 1 or not, but I stated that I had been thinking and preparing for her death for the last 3 or 4 years as I've watched her general health deteriorate. I will mourn the mother of my childhood and the woman that I share a fierce love with, and be okay, but, this hard and painful road she must travel before she sees her God, is the part I am struggling with. However, her dignity and calm acceptance demands the same of me, and I am my mother's daughter. I am sorry your mother's death was difficult, so much so that you cannot even talk about it. That is hurt most deep...

[Annette Pisano-Higley]

I understand it all. I remember. So hard. You are doing your best for your mom. Doing what she wants. I hope God will be kind to her and you. Thanks for the kind words also. My mom passed in a hospital. Not a good way. I miss her every day. Blessings..

[Norman 223]

Carol, I just love your open minded honesty that allows you to be so objective about your mother and yet leave your readers convulsed with your uninhibited humour..
On a serious musical note, however, I feel that your "castrati" choir would be counter-tenors rather than sopranos, therefore completely wrecking any of Mozart's. coloratura passages . Just a small technical point, but...........:-)
I admire the positive and strong approach that both you and your mother have in supporting each other during this time. N.

[Carol Cashes]

See? I know little of "castrati" but a lot about the "hooey" these sorry men spout.
Thanks for reading this Third Installation of my mother's approaching death. It is painful, but as I told another reader, she is making it easier by her own example.

[Gee]

OUCH!!!
When I went for my vasectomy, clean shaven, ( misguidedly applying apres rasage, and then running around like a scalded cat, before dunking my bits in a basin of cold water) the doctor took great delight in snipping the unwanted tube from my sack,then waved it in my face, explaining as to what it was. WANKER !! It looked like a small piece of pasta, although I wouldn't have wanted to have dined on it. Ciabatta and testicle tube in galic and tomato sauce, mmmmmm, lovely.
Ain't got a clue where I'm going with this, just babbling.
Anyways Carol keep posting, my thoughts and best wishes are with you and " mum "

[Carol Cashes]

Thanks for reading, and I'll be with her when she "pops her clogs" She is making this easy for me, and I will mourn the mother of my childhood and the fiercely independent woman she is now, but honor her with the dignity she demands is the best way to also mourn her.

[Coyote Poetry]

I was with my father and my grandparent till the end. I was glad I was with them. Some things break our heart. I believe all we can do. Is make every moment good ones. I hope you have free time to spend with your mother.
Coyote

[Carol Cashes]

Yes, they do. My mother and I cared for her father until his death, and it surprisingly made it easier for me. My best friend is also my employer and is also friends with my mother. While she has forbidden me to tell anyone of her condition, and my friend/boss doesn't know, when it gets down to the point my mom is bedridden and hospice is there daily, she will know and I will have all the time I need. Mama doesn't want me "hangin' 'round" right now, and I have my husband's recent surgery to deal with. When it's time, and time is short, I will be with her.

[Coyote Poetry]

I'm glad. Sometime we must make time.

[Paul Bell]

First i crossed my legs. Then i went into panic, thinking of a choir of rusty axe women running amok through town. Now what would you say you've taken off your mother. Apart from the rusty axe.
I know it'll be tough from now on. So you keep writing.

[Carol Cashes]

*laughing* I'm more like her than I would have liked to know as an adolescent, but am quite all right with it now.
I've not spent a lot of time crying, I have the rest of MY life to do that. I'm taking her cue, and trying to maintain the dignity and honor she deserves.

[Paul Bell]

That's the way to go about it.

[Samuel Dickens]

The end, it will come. We probably don't want it to, but have always known it would. Some may have great fear of that time in their lives, while others accept it. Like flowers that bloom in the spring, we have only an allotted time in the sun before the season changes. It's a wondrous design, though it makes us cry. May she be free of pain and bathed in love.

[Carol Cashes]

Thanks, Sam. Nothing about the Rusty Axe?

[Samuel Dickens]

Oh, that. Heh-heh, I guess I forgot.

[Carol Cashes]

I'm guessin' you won't be joinin' the choir? *laughing* This ain't no voluntary "army", gettin' drafted is the only way in....