EEHHH...Part II

EEHHH…Part II

My focus in the first piece was primarily on the two children my mother is to be buried with.  I have another sibling�"a brother who I do not know as an adult.

 

After I left at age 18, this brother joined the Navy and was medically discharged after he injured his back.  He is also an alcoholic. 

 

In the mid-80’s, my mother told me that someone had informed her that he was in Arizona, around the Winslow area.  I mentally shrugged and only thought of him when recounting childhood memories.  I already knew that he had a drinking “problem” and had no desire to include that in my personal life.  In 2003, my mother asked if I could locate him.

 

My efforts led me to public court documents and for 8 years I tracked him through his numerous alcohol related arrests:  drunk and disorderly, domestic abuse, resisting arrest, assault, obstruction of justice, the list goes on in this vein, and there were numerous incidents of each.  My mother advised me that she did not want to pursue contact, she also had no desire to have this behavior in her life, but to continue to “track” him through whatever means I could.

 

In 2014, my mother told me that she needed to talk to him and to pinpoint his location and attempt contact.  He was still in Arizona, and I located a current address through court records.  I had to request a welfare check at the address, and the sheriff that responded called to tell me that he was alive and okay, but that he wanted no contact.  This was hurtful to me, but surprisingly only briefly.  My mother, ever stoic, only nodded her head and changed the subject.

 

Fast forward to 2016.  This brother called my mother and notified her that he was now in Mobile, Alabama, sixty miles from Biloxi.  He made one trip to see her and I visited my mother in order to reconnect.  He is someone I don’t know and who would not be in my life as a stranger, but he is now sober.  Not well, he has many health issues, but he is sober.

 

This leads me to my father.  We are estranged and that will never change.  If you ask me if I love my father, I can tell you that I love the father of my childhood, but the man he became when my mother divorced him after 25 years, is the man she lived with for the last 10 years of their marriage.  I can’t hold his many sins committed during their marriage against him:  that was their marriage and their issues.  I only know the a*****e that is now my father, and that I have no desire to have a relationship with. We are civil at family funerals and are in contact in connection to family matters, but I do not visit him, nor has he ever been to my home.

 

This fractured family dynamic is something no one could have predicted during my childhood.  I remember normal, mostly happy days until I left home.  I’m extremely grateful for the childhood I had, especially when I read about or talk to people who were abused, neglected, unloved or subjected to other horrible actions and environments. 

 

I have difficulty regretting the adult relationships with my siblings.  Of the four of us, three became alcoholics.  Did I escape that by the Grace of God?  Honesty compels me to confess that vanity is the primary reason I did not fall into that hateful way of life.  I begin to bartend at the age of 18, and continued this occupation through six states and 18 years.  Too many times I was horrified when I was witness to drunk and disorderly women who slurred their words, vomited where they sat, peed their pants…the list goes on.  Vanity.  Not a chance in hell I would be caught in those conditions.  Yes, I “partied” before the birth of my child.  But I can say with all honesty that I knew when I was getting sloppy, and made sure that I was safe at home, unseen by anyone who might witness vomiting and urination.  Vanity.

 

As events unfold and begin to escalate toward my mother’s ultimate demise, I am glad to have this outlet, a forum for my thoughts, memories, and opinions.

 

Thanks to all who continue to witness by reading my posts.

 

 

 

Author's Note

More thoughts/memories

Reviews

[olla]

seems alcohol was the drug of preference for my parents generation.. it fractured my family as well although we all stopped drinking in due course.. for very different reasons.. but with out family counseling or some other kind of recovery program there was not much other than a bunch of dry drunks with unresolved resentments.. you write very well.. so many things I can identify with.. sometimes all we have is a pen and paper to help us make sense.. of and because of.. thank you for sharing your story..

[Tony Jordan]

Blood's supposedly thicker than but water that's thinner than the blood of my family surely must be a gas or something.
I feel you Carol. It's hardest at 'celebration' times I know.
Keep writing.

[Chris]

I've always "owned " my nightmares - they are the one thing that will ALWAYS be mine.

We seem to write of what we "know" best - whether understood or not ...our selves ...our perceptions. We leak into and throughout every paragraph, stanza, page ...line.

And overall we share ...us... to any with the heart to listen.

[Carol Cashes]

Yes, I'm with you - I, too, own my nightmares. What you fear can define you or forge the "light" that dispels them. I appreciate your reading/witnessing this chapter in my life.

[Chris]

I've not feared mine AFTER a happening... just lived, survived, and relived them behind my eyes during moments when ghosts needed a laugh or three.. We "deal" - catch a breath, share an insight and heart then take another step.

[Carol Cashes]

Yes, we do. And ghosts do tend to have a dark sense of humor....

[Chris]

Chuckling here - so you've noticed that too?

[Carol Cashes]

They're like the schoolyard "bullies" of our psyches.

[Chris]

Some just have to hurt - anyone or thing - to feel "better" about themselves.

[Paul Bell]

Well done Carol. I would fit well into your family. Maybe i'm a long lost relative. I suppose families are exactly what they are. We all grow up, lose contact.
Go to the funerals. Get as far away from them as possible. But in the end, they're still family.

[Carol Cashes]

Yes, they show up on the family tree on Ancestry.com. But I've said many times, blood does not buy you special favors from me when referencing love or respect.

[Paul Bell]

Just the money will, will do. lol

[Annette Pisano-Higley]

"Fractured family dynamic", honest, well-penned and heart-felt. This is a touching family chronicle and you are a good daughter my friend! I know how hard this must be for you. Your travails to find your prodigal brother are to be lauded. Substance abuse destroys families. As for your father, I'm so sorry for what you went through and go through. Your story reads so well, great detail, insight, continuity, character development and transition. Thank you so much for sharing your life with us!

[Carol Cashes]

Annette, I find it difficult to wail and flail about, raising my fist to the sky yelling "Why me?" Too many others have much worse histories and mine is fairly tame in comparison. However, I also recognize that know that does not decrease, or take away any of my personal pain and anger at these circumstances. I used to be a little concerned at my lack of regret or need to pursue relationships with those I share blood with. But, blood does not buy you any special favors, especially if you're the only one willing to try. Thanks for being a witness to this particular chapter in my life.

[Annette Pisano-Higley]

I'm privileged that you let me be a witness Carol! Family dynamics impact us so deeply. My non-nuclear family is so dysfunctional and drama-ridden that I have to distance myself for the sake of my own well-being. That's a decision I made and I don't regret it. My parents have passed, and I stay close with my only brother but that is a long and painful story...

[barleygirl]

Once again, I'm relating to your family, which is about as dysfunctional as my own. I knew what you meant when you said the rejection from your brother stung, even tho you'd never had a relationship. I recently rejected my sister's overtures after years of being blocked from her life & she seemed surprised that I finally got to my limit with her. We each have to do what we have to do to survive & this often means leaving behind people who want to wallow in their brokenness. I very much appreciate your self-honesty.

[Carol Cashes]

I'm happy to count you as one the witnesses to this chapter as it unfolds. Yeah...I got little patience with those who "wallow in their brokenness". Some have called me cold, I call me STILL HERE.

[Jimmy Yetts]

Tough stuff.
Your given reason for avoiding alcoholism--vanity--makes sense to me; you care about your presentation, your appearance. True alcoholics clearly don't--or, at least, such considerations quickly become low priority.
As to this piece, sorry about the pain.

[Carol Cashes]

There are those with tougher stuff, but...this is my story and I have to tell it. I appreciate you reading and your kind thoughts.

[Samuel Dickens]

Earnestly, I read. I believe you and also feel you. I don't know why families have to shatter like that. When young, I went to friends houses and saw harmonious, supportive, loving families. How I envied those friends.

[Carol Cashes]

I didn't envy other friends families as a child, mine was happy...it is the family reunions and the "siblings as best friends" situations that I see that sometimes pinch a little...