Customer Service

This day really happened, just imagined I was being studied...

CUSTOMER SERVICE EVALUATION

 

OCTOBER 14^TH, 2003, 8:00 AM

SUBJECT IS WAITING FOR FIRST CALL OF SHIFT.

MOOD APPEARS  PLEASANT, NO DISORDERS ACTIVE

 

SUBJECT:  MLS, this is Carol....HELLO?....yes, this is Carol, can I help you?

 

CALLER:  Carol, this darn key won’t work!  I’ve tried everything...

 

SUBJECT:  (With kindly chuckle)... I need more than “won’t work”...what are you trying to do?

 

CALLER:  I am trying to get the key out to show this listing, and the key won’t work.  This is so aggravatin’, we pay all this money for these things and they don’t work!

 

RIGHT EYE TIC APPEARS TO BE ACTIVATED

 

SUBJECT:    Okay, You’re hitting the green start key, your pin code, the key shaped button, and then what?

 

CALLER:  (releasing long suffering sigh)... I get these two beeping sounds.

 

SUBJECT:  Beeping or buzzing?

 

CALLER:  (in a somewhat indignant, snappy tone)...I don’t know...it just makes two beeping sounds.  It worked this morning...

 

SUBJECT’S SPEECH BECOMES DELIBERATE, APPROXIMATELY HALF AN OCTAVE LOWER

 

SUBJECT:   Would you put the key in the box and try to access the key container so that I can hear it? 

 

RIGHT EYE TIC IS NOW FULLY ENGAGED

 

CALLER:  Hmmmph....I’ll have to go back to the box...(there are footsteps, a faint wheezing... brief muttering)  Okay, green start key...pin code....key button....BUZZZZ....BUZZZZZ

 

SUBJECT:  (Now sounding confident and reassuring) Okay, two buzzes mean your batteries are low... just be sure to turn your key off before you remove the batteries or you’ll put the time and date mechanism off and your key still won’t work, or it will work sporadically

.

.**NOTE:  Caller is keyholder of several years**

 

CALLER:  Turn it off?  How do you do that?...  I never did that before,  and I just changed these batteries a few months back  It was working just fine until this morning...and I never had to turn it off before, why now?  Is that something new?  Well...nobody told me...how do you do that again?

 

The remainder of this call is a brief, but thorough, refresher course in the electronic key operations covering such topics as turning the key off, the number and size of batteries required, resuming operation of key, reprogramming caller’s lockboxes to 24 hour access to bypass probable time and date inaccuracy,  penalties for key sharing, and servicing of key at MLS office to restore correct time and date.   Other review topics include business hours, inconvenient location to agent,  and affirmation of disdain for inferior products distributed by the MLS staff.

 

SUBJECT:  You’re welcome.  

 

CLICK

 

RIGHT EYE TIC ACTIVITY APPEARS TO BE SLOWING DOWN, AND WITHIN MOMENTS HAS CEASED ENTIRELY.

 

SUBJECT:  MLS, this is Carol.

 

CALLER:  Let me speak to L.

 

SUBJECT:  I’m sorry, she’s at lunch.  May  I help you?

 

CALLER:  Weeelllll....I’ll talk to R., then.

 

SUBJECT:  I’m sorry, she’s off today...

 

CALLER:  Oh, no,  well...what’s that other girl’s name...D., yeah, I guess I’ll talk to her

 

SUBJECT:  I’m sorry, but she is in a meeting… Are you sure I can’t help.?

 

CALLER:  I really need to get ya’ll’s address so I can send this check for CE class that’s coming up tomorrow…I think the deadline was a couple of days ago, but I faxed it in, so I know you have it.

 

SUBJECT:   Ma’am, I can give you our address....

 

SUBJECT’S HEAD ROLLS BACK ON NECK, EYES APPEAR GLASSY AND UNFOCUSED WHILE WAITING FOR CALLER TO RETRIEVE A PEN FROM HER ATTIC AND SYMPTOMS CONTINUE THROUGHOUT HER RECITAL OF ADDRESS �" TWICE.

 

SUBJECT:  ...Okay...You’re welcome.

 

CLICK

 

CUSTOMER SERVICE MOTIVATION LEVELS APPEAR TO BE DROPPING DANGEROUSLY LOW

 

SUBJECT:  MLS, this is Carol...

 

CALLER:  Carol, this is gonna be a stupid question ...

 

SUBJECT’S URGE TO RESPOND IS REPRESSED WITH MODERATE TO HIGH  DIFFICULTY

 

CALLER:  ...but I have a new computer and I need the address for the MLS.

 

SUBJECT:  (in a bright and perky tone that reflects her hopes of a quick dispatch of the call)  Sure, it’s h.t.t.p...

 

CALLER:  Hppt?

 

SUBJECT:  No, maam, h..t..t..p...

 

CALLER:  Hptp?

 

RIGHT EYE TIC IS ACTIVATED AND FULLY ENGAGED WITH NO WARMUP

 

SUBJECT:  Maam, do you have a fax?  I could fax it over with some other addresses you need, like the state site and the real estate commission site,  so you have them...sure, I will wait five to seven minutes until you free up the telephone line....

 

WITH HOPE IN SITE, VOICE RISES TWO OCTAVES, TIC ACTIVITY ALREADY IN CESSATION. 

 

SUBJECT:  Allrighty!  I’ll fax it right now.  You’re welcome.

 

CLICK

 

USE OF “ALLRIGHTY” NOTED, BUT IS NOT A CAUSE FOR CONCERN AT THIS TIME

 

SUBJECT CHECKS THE TIME �" TWENTY TWO MINUTES INTO SHIFT �" AND BECOMES DESPONDENT, LISTLESS.  SHE MAINTAINS THIS DISPOSITION UNTIL HER LUNCH BREAK, WITH PERIODIC AND RANDOM FLARES OF BITTER SURLINESS THAT SEEM TO BE PROMPTED BY CERTAIN PERSONALITIES, HOWEVER, NO DISCERNABLE PATTERN COULD BE DETECTED.     

 

REPORT FINDINGS:  Subject candidate for mild to moderate tranquilizer...or several stiff drinks.  Hormonal surges measurable by the Richter Scale will factor in determining job suitability, which is decreasing  simultaneously  with voluntary control over  nervous tics, twitches, and the occasional fugue state.  Subject attempts to compensate for low to non-existent compassion/sympathy levels with overly cheerful sign-off (you’re welcome!), however, the thumping gizzard operating in the heart region  renders all such endeavors futile.

 

RECOMMENDATION:  Subject should consider career change.  Increasing hopelessness and disappearance of genuine humane responses make subject suitable for government  work (i.e.:  the DMV or the IRS). 

Author's Note

Don't know where the black bars came from. But...a real day. I quit that job soon after.

Reviews

[Jimmy Yetts]

Though I've come to hate all machines--few of which have ever operated as designed for me--guess I hate lack of common sense, even more.
Thoroughly entertaining piece, Carol!

[Samuel Dickens]

I'd already been thinking that which the last paragraph confirmed. I cringed and developed my own eye tick with each exchange, having been on both sides of that phone. I tell ya--I am no good at dealing with the public OR operating nonsensical, illogical gadgets. After bendy carrot, you've now given me another gem--thumping gizzard. Now back to the closet, where it's safe.

"WITH HOPE IN SITE" should be "sight".

[Chris]

Having been a Field Service Rep - I understand and commiserate... and oh the awesome stories we share - chuckling here

[John Alexander McFadyen]

I believe this did happen and I have been a caller many times! Love the flow and recital of this day as it is original and very funny even if true.

[Aslan Gerards]

Firstly- This is bloody fantastic. Actually hilarious. I love that you take the time to make a transcript-style story with your character. It is very, very real and sort of plays at something everybody feels (that they are being judged on something that they hate). I don't have that many suggestions, but just know that this format is really great.

Secondly (some general things)- Try to fix some formatting errors. The use of font size is great, but the inconsistencies with color and boldness of words is a bit distracting.

Final Review- Really great work. It is legitimately hilarious while being very real. Thank you for sharing!

If you have any questions, you can message me.

[Carol Cashes]

Thanks for reading. I'm having some issues with some of my formatting not uploading properly. But I'll get it...Thanks again. I was mad when I started it, but was laughing when I was done. Self-therapy mission accomplished.