Torn Open

A poem/short dialogue about loving too young

Maybe if we were older, she thought, as if that'd change who they were.
"Please tell me why! Why can't you just try?" His pleading voice weakens her. Can she even get out the word "no?"
"I-I don't know. Something is wrong." His face drops even more than before. "No no not you. I think you're great - amazing. It's just, well, I'm unsure of whether I could ever reciprocate your intensity. The way you talk to and about me like I'm the f*****g sun that your life doesn't function without. I can't comprehend it. Or you. You endlessly confuse me; I only dream of understanding how you think. Why do you need me?"
She tries to keep it together and ponders what she's surprised she's already gotten out. I almost wish he didn't need me at all. How wonderful can I be when I'm breaking him?
"Why wouldn't I?! I love you; isn't that a good thing? I don't understand."
His eyes burn into me and I have to look away or I may just break.
"I love you too, but--"
"But what??"
"But it's not right. I should be able to understand the deepest parts of you and need you back but I-I can't. I know it's cliché and I desperately wish you'd believe it but it's honestly not you. It is me. I can't figure it out to save my life and I'm f*****g losing it because I love you but I'm simply not the right fit for this. I'm not sure if that's for 'us' or for anyone like this, but I need to figure that out. Figure myself out. I want to know what I want and even need and I wish it was us but I have this feeling and it never fully goes away, no matter how many times I ignore it or wish it to be gone. So what I'm saying, I guess, is...I'm sorry. For a lot."
I stop talking and I sit down. I'm dizzy. I can't do it. What am I doing? How can I let this go? Two years is a long time; he's a part of me, of my life. What is he thinking?
He sits and watches, concerned about her as she leans back, looking close to falling apart. She can see the love in his red, teary eyes and wishes, for once, that she wouldn't be the bad guy. That she could just feel "right" about them so she wouldn't have to watch him like this.
How can he even love me right now? After all I've said, why hasn't he left or screamed or...anything?
"Hey," he says with a soft voice, "Are you okay?"
How the hell should I even respond to that? No, I'm not okay and neither are you! We both know that. I want to be. Even more, I wish you could be. I hope already that it won't be too long before you are okay again. Then again, I'm a bit of a pessimist and I know you well enough to realize that's a lie. Please, I want you to try to be okay.
"Yeah, yeah I'm fine. Don't worry about me, okay?"
"Of course I should; I still love you, okay, and that's not gonna change and yeah, I don't understand and I wish you could feel that way. But I do love you."
"I love you too." Please don't get the wrong idea. "I'm telling you all this because it's not fair to you to be all in with someone who can't be what you need. I don't think I can be that, so I think both of us have places that would maybe just...fit a little better."
"But I - I can't - I'm not alright with that, without you. Please." His voice trembles, barely enough to be noticed.
"Don't make it worse, okay. I don't want us to drag this out or make it hurt any worse. I don't want to hurt you. Please." My voice trembles and cracks. He definitely noticed.
"I am hurt. You know what? No. I'm not losing this. Losing us." He starts walking. Is he leaving? Is that a good thing? At least he'll keep me from causing him more pain. Maybe I can't wound him from a distance. I hope.
I sit, unable to look away from his gradually fading figure.
He turns around. I'm caught off guard. Our eyes meet. Why?? Couldn't it just end, please? I look down quickly. Maybe he didn't notice. He did. He starts walking again, but it's towards me.
"Is that it?" He says, his voice getting louder, more panicked. I can see the distress and frustration taking over his body. "Not even a word to me? You'll just let me leave like that?"
"What else am I supposed to do? I can't keep hurting you, wounding you worse. I'm just going to keep aggravating the cracks and cuts until neither of us can take it anymore. I'm begging you, please don't make me do that. I can't bear to watch that and you shouldn't have to deal with it. I'm trying to protect you."
"Protect me?? From what? Seems about like the opposite right now. Why don't you just make an effort? If you love me then try."
"I can't change how I feel. You think I haven't tried? I wish so much that I could. You deserve that, but I can't do it and I'm sorry. I know relationships and love take effort, but I'm not stupid. I know what I'm capable of and that's not it. I wish I didn't have to say this and I wish we were a better fit, but we're two pieces from different f*****g puzzles and I don't know how we thought that would work, but it did. For a while, I guess. But it doesn't. We're slowly breaking each other and it's not healthy. I'm just trying to stop both of us before we damage ourselves too much. Okay?"

In my talking, he's started walking again. It's dark and I see his outline in the sliver of light from the moon. I watch until I can't see him anymore. I watch that spot until my face is numb from the wind on my tear-streaked cheeks. I get up and go inside. I think I'm going to sleep for a week. Give us some time.
I promise I won't hurt you anymore. I can't. We're done with that, now. We have to be.

Author's Note

Originally, the speaker's inner thoughts were in italics, but the formatting did not work when I put it on here. Also, any thoughts on the title or how to improve it?