April 4th, 2012

Long gone.

There are days I still miss you terribly. Every time I go in Books a million, some song comes on that makes me think of you. Or now, when one of my old songs for you comes on the 8tracks playlist I’m listening to. I close my eyes and I’m sitting at the kitchen table, the windows are open and it is starting to rain. The grass has just been mowed, and it has been a beautiful day until just a minute ago. This song plays on repeat and I just sit, staring at my cell phone and crossing my fingers .that smell of grass and fresh rain comes sweeping in the with the chilly breeze and I remember how much I want you.

 

Then I’m sitting the field above Dora’s, late afternoon. I just got home from doing something with you, I can’t remember what. It wasn’t the beach. It wasn’t Carowinds. But I sat in the field, with the sun shining on my back, my jerry playlist on. I imagined you driving up the road, deciding to confess your love all of a sudden, and then you see me over in the field, and of course, I imagine myself looking lovely and much more charming than I actually am. I wanted that moment to happen so bad. But I eventually get up and walk back home.

I wish I could say that a day has passed since last year that I haven’t thought of you, but that’s not true. What would I do if you wanted me back? I’d like to think I’d shove you away and hold my head high. But what would I really do? I don’t know. There will always be a part of me that wants you. I still feel sad sometimes, when one of those songs plays or the sun hits the trees in a certain summery way. Or when you come bumbling into the store with your brother, acting like you’re too good for your shoes. And your brother says, hey Nell, why don’t you come down any more? As if it was that easy. If only it was that easy. I don’t know if I’ll ever stop missing those hollars of yours. Or those hugs or smiles or looks or hands . I’m afraid if given the chance, I’d choose to fall right back into my place by your side. Shouldn’t think of that though, as our relationship is a thing of the past, something that should be on display in a museum. I just wish you know, I never loved anything like I loved you.