To Those I Have Loved & Lost

A Story by nellie

Some deeply personal stuff.

August 15, 2010:

I find happiness in nothing. It is all related, never-ending, and hopeless. I can not breathe. My heart has no purpose or desire. Everything comes down to him and his meaning in my life. He holds me together like glue. To rely on him is a sin, he is not my savior. I think only of his words to me, which leave me empty. To live this way is a joke, a funny story for someone to get entertainment from. It is hopeless, frail, and not worth it. My tears finally slow and my legs stop their shaking. I see his face. His smile and his eyes. Hair and arms. His dancing, his singing, his happiness. My heart is not whole. Another night with me, but he is always wanting her. Who will never deserve his affection. His perfection is overwhelming and compelling. If only.

Dear Jerry,

I know that everything happens for a reason and God has a plan for my life, but I can't help to wish this summer had never happened. When I texted you on May 21st and asked you to come to the movies with us, I had no idea what I was starting. Of course, it didn't take long for me to fall for you. You texted me every morning and as soon as you got off work. Our fun nights at your house and our weekend plans always landed me in trouble, since I was suddenly never at home anymore. Things were going so well, and I thought that maybe you saw me as more than a friend. I almost ruined everything on July 4th, when I asked if we were more than friends and you told me no. I thought I was heart-broken thne, but looking back I realize that was nothing compared to what I am going through now. Later that week we were beginning to text again and by Friday we were doing our photoshoot like nothing happened. I had most certainly not moved on. You looked so handsome at my sister's wedding in August. I thought only of you all night. We had so much fun at Carowinds the next day, even if we did get lost for six hours. My favorite part was when Luke fell asleep in the backseat. The sun was going down and you and I danced and sand with the windows down, speeding down the interstate. I realized later that month, on our beach trip, that happiness is in your arms, or at least nestled up beside them. It is so difficult to sleep now, without you by my side. You tell me you still have no feelings for me and that you're sorry you led me on. I would do anything in the world to change you mind. I would quit school, abandon my family, follow you anywhere. You are, without a doubt, the closest thing to perfect I have ever seen. Your work-ethic and determination so wonderfully coexist with your goofiness and laid back attitude. You compel me. I want to be everything you have ever needed. I know no one even begins to compare to her for you, but sometimes you just need to let go, trust in God, and fall. Though it truly feels as if my heart is separating, I will wait for you. I know you never asked me to do that. This may be hopeless, but I don't think I can live without at least hoping that some day you will love me like you love her. I can't live or breathe without you, so even if I wish this summer had never happened, I hold its memories close to my heart. I love you completely, unconditionally, and forever.

August 16, 2010

Dear Jerry,

As sad as I am , I can't help but feel sorry for you. You will never find the right person if you can't let go of the wrong one. I'm afraid you are missing out on so many possibilities by waiting on someone who has already moved on. I know I should be taking my own advice, but you mean too much to me. I wish so many things. To see you, to forget you, to be where I was this time a week ago. Just to redo the beach. I wouldn't change a thing, not even those sick feelings I had. To be in your arms again, to feel your heart and your skin on mine. I must trust in God's plan for my life; he knows what's best. I only hope that one day we can be something, friends or anything. At this point in my life, I see you as perfect. Not really perfect because you have flaws, but your good things are so much more important to me. My heart hurts so bad. I don't know what to do. If only you saw me as I see you. But that is too much to ask for. I should be mad at you, but I just want to hold you.

to be continued, this is not the end of this story!