being stuck

Being stuck between having no will to live and to want to keep going

And the night was the best in the worst. Being left with the thoughts of herself in the name of getting some rest or as she calls it being away from others opinions. However which one was worse she wondered? Could the people hurt her the way her own self does? The cruelty she has for herself comes from the manhood , she convinced. Is it an excuse though? Just to cover up the fact that she has no love or respect or any kind of hope to her personality nor ,especially, to her body. "I wish I was different." she thinks every night going to bed. Yet different in what way? "You tried being different." the voice in her head tells her. "It didn't work you know that. It's not the way you are , It's who you are. No amount of love is enough for you. Any kind of love is not what you want. You are selfish. You've been skinny , fat , happy , sad , energetic and lazy. No one loves you neither way. YOU don't love yourself in any way. Stop making excuses. You can reach out for yourself and save her yet you are not trying and blaming people for that. You are the broken one. It makes no difference whether you are here or not." 

"Maybe it is right." she repeats. Puts her head on the pillow falling asleep. Sleeping for more than 12 hours a day again. She feels guilty. Wasting all her time to laziness. She can't get up though. The weight on her chest sticks her to bed. "I have work to do." she says , "Got to leave the bed and do my responsibilites." She can't even put up her hand. She manages to get to the mirror. Like always , spends hours in front of it. Screams how ugly and fat and not deserving to be loved to the reflection of herself. Suddenly she sees a little girl. "Am I really ugly?" the girl asks. "No , no you are not." She looks at the child. Her tears running through her cheeks. "Is this the reason my parents don't love me or care for me? Should I stop eating? Am I supposed to do make-up? No one really loves me?" The kid is in fear. The child breaks down. Screaming and wishing to die. "Maybe if I die as a child I can go to heaven and the angels there and the god can love me." No , no they won't. But the kid wouldn't believe. The kid wants to live. The kid wants to be loved. The kid wants to love her dad. The kid wants to be a kid. 

She covers the mirror with a towel. She ought to eat in order to live. Her stomach has been empty for days. But does she want to live? She doesn't even know that. She couldn't reach any of her goals. The moment she thinks she is healing , the other she breaks down. She is scared but she doesn't know of what. She listens to music and writes down. She will sleep a while later and she will wish to not wake up to another day.