Haunted Hospital

This is a fiction story for my creative writing class. I'm not too good at fictional writing, but I gave it my best shot.

Carly Nelson

Creative Writing

15 October 2017

Haunted Hospital

It has been five years since the incident. I used to love October and the excitement of Halloween, but now I can’t even think about it without feeling guilty. In October of 2012, my friends and I decided to take a trip down to an old, abandoned hospital in our home town. It was rumored to be haunted. I remember the feeling I got when I read the sign on the hospital door that said in big, bold letters, “Turn back now”. I wish I would have listened.

October 16, 2012, started off as a typical day. After class, my three best friends and I went to lunch to discuss our plans for the afternoon. We grew up in a small town in Oklahoma where everybody knows each other’s names. Cassie, Taylor, Jamie, and I had been inseparable since the first day of kindergarten. This time of year was our favorite. The nice fall weather was inspiring, and we loved Halloween activities. We were thrill seekers.

“So, are we going to do the haunted house again this year?” Jamie asked as we waited on our food. “I just feel like that place is getting old and I really want to do something a little more exhilarating.” Taylor and I gave each other a glance. Jamie could never get enough of the adrenaline that comes with the suspense of pop-out scares.

Cassie chimed in, “Well, we could go check out this abandoned hospital...it’s about forty minutes away. I heard it’s haunted.”

We all agreed that instead of the typical haunted house, where people are paid to scare you, that we wanted to go to the hospital where we may experience some real paranormal activity. After lunch, we all piled into my jeep, and headed off towards the hospital.

We finally arrived, and even in the light of day, that hospital was the darkest place I had ever seen. It was set far back from the road, and had not one, but three wire fences surrounding it. There were signs plastered everywhere warning visitors to turn back, or to beware. Us being the daredevils that we were, jumped out of the jeep eagerly without any hesitation.

Taylor, being the athletic one, helped hoist us up over each fence and then scaled them herself. We were finally to the entrance. The door, which I believe once used to be white, had developed a strange black coat after all the years of sitting there. The sign clearly said it bold, red letters, “Turn back now.”

“Emma, open it!” exclaimed Cassie, “The suspense is killing me!” I slowly turned the cold metal handle, and the door slowly creaked open. We peered into the dark building, and slowly began to walk in. The building was stone cold, even though the air conditioning hadn’t been on in years. It smelled of must and debris, and every sound we made send a chilling echo throughout the halls. We noticed bloody fingerprints along the walls, and that many of the hospital rooms had been demolished. We wandered if these prints were from real victims, or if they were from jokesters trying to scare people.

Jamie reached in her backpack and pulled out two walkie talkies. “Okay guys, lets split up.”

“What, are we all Nancy Drew now?” I asked teasing her.

“Oh, shut up, you know it’s not fun for me unless I’m playing detective.”

Jamie and Cassie decided to explore the second floor, while Taylor and I investigated the first floor. Taylor and I were searching through the rooms, in hopes of finding something terrifying. All the sudden, we heard a huge crash from upstairs. I quickly pulled out my walkie talkie, panicking as I asked them if they were okay. It was silent. Taylor and I looked at each other, not knowing what we should do.

My walkie talkie started crackling and I heard Jamie’s muffled voice say, “Get out of the building now!”

“Come on!” screamed Taylor.

“No, we can’t leave them!” I shouted back.

“We don’t know what is happening up there, and quite honestly I don’t want to find out.” Taylor said on the verge of tears.

Taylor is timid and I knew that. I rolled my eyes and sighed. “Fine, but I’m going.”

I ran up the stairs shouting out Cassie and Jamie’s names. I looked in every room in the hall, but I was nearing the last rooms and was beginning to feel doubtful that I would find them. The third to last room was empty. The second to the last room was empty. I approached the very last room, terrified but hopeful. I stood before the door and called out their names, “Jamie? Cass?”

There was no reply.

I opened the door to find Jamie and Cass submerged under tiles of debris and rubble that I was guessing somehow fell from the ceiling. I began sobbing, “No, no, no, no this can’t be real.” I began trying to dig my friends out of the rubble, but it was too heavy for me. I gave up, and pulled out my phone dialing 911.

The paramedics quickly arrived, and pronounced both of my beloved friends dead. Every day, I wake up with the guilt that I survived and they didn’t. I feel this guilty even more so this time of year. I see their parents in the market from time to time. I nervously avoid eye contact. They don’t blame me or Taylor for what happened, but I don’t know how to look at them anymore. All I see is pieces of the people they used to be before losing their children.

Taylor and I attended both of their funerals. Those were two of the hardest days of my life. After the funeral, Taylor and I stopped talking. It hurt too much to only have half of our group. Being with each other just reminded us both of what happened. To this day, nobody can confirm exactly what happened in the last room of that hospital. The mystery eats me up inside, but I find peace knowing that one day we will be united, and I will get to know.

Reviews

[ImSJ]

No! You have to go back and find out what happened!
You have to ask yourself:what would the Winchester's do! I really didn't expect much from this piece after your disclaimer but I think it's the kernel of an intriguing story. If you feel you can do so I hope that you will re-write and expand the story. Good start.

[Carly Nelson]

Wow, this actually really boosted my confidence. This was really just practice for an upcoming assignment, but I'm about to post another fiction story I've been working on. I would love for you to review it and give me feedback on that as well.

[emipoemi]

I agree! Flesh it out, this is too compelling to end like this. Apart from the grammatical and spelling mistakes (and the occasional character confusion: I'm not buying that Taylor would be athletic and timid. Jamie could be Nancy Drew fanatic and all, but athletes are not timid. If anything, the pairs should be Jamie and Taylor, Emma and Cass, for Cass could be the secretly timid one. Eager when all is safe, but cowardly when danger is near. You could in theory do the same with Taylor (an athlete who's secretly timid and cowardly), but you would have to weave that better into the story). But on the whole, you got something good going with this story, and it must be fleshed out for the sake of literature. This is grand! A fantastic start! Well done!

[emipoemi]

Addendum - to bring us more into the story, it would be better to give more background info on two very important things: the boredom of the usual haunted house that the girls used to go to every Halloween; and the history of this hospital. Why was it presumed haunted? What really had gone on there? So much is left unanswered at the end, which is why some fleshing out is advisable. For right now, everything just seems forced and taken right out of the writer's sleeve rather than having been drawn out on its own.