My Mothers Secret

this is just the start of a story im writing.

I haven’t slept in over a week and it feels like I’m dead.  My corpse just lying here in the white cloud of blanket with the smell of lavender.  I remember when I was little; lavender was what my mom smelt like; her skin, her clothes, her everything. Now there’s no scent, no lavender, no nothing.  I lay thinking of what my mother and I would be doing right now if she were still with me.  I can’t take these nightmares anymore.  I close my eyes for about 45 seconds and I see headlights coming toward me and I hear the lightning strike and I feel water on my skin.  I wake up.  Repeat.  It’s like my mind has a video on replay and I can’t figure out how to turn it off.  I close my eyes again and the same car reappears, the lightning strikes, I feel the water, but something changes.  I dream this picture sometimes after the rerun.  It’s my mother lying on the rocks next to the water.  I pulled her out but she didn’t make it.  I pulled her out but I couldn’t save her.  I got her out of the car as it was sinking so deep into the water even though I couldn’t swim well, even though I couldn’t breathe, even though at that point my leg, arm, and collar bone were broken, even though I had stage 4 cancer.  My mother was dead on the rocks I used to play on as a baby.  I wake up abruptly.  I feel the water again but I wipe my face and it’s just my tears because even though this was a nightmare I have every night, it still happened.  Four years and 75 days ago.  It happened.

I fall back asleep and have the nightmare about 4 more times until 6:30.  I get up to walk into the kitchen to find the house empty, no different from any other day.  My dad has never been the same since my mother died.  He works a lot more now.  I think it’s because me and my sister remind him so much of my mom that it kills him to even look at us.  I don’t blame him.  I couldn’t save her.  I wasn’t strong enough and it’s even hard for me to look into a mirror.  I was her daughter.  I was supposed to be strong; I should’ve pushed harder, kept my breath for a little longer.  It’s my fault she’s dead.  I look around and the cabinets are stocked with food but I’m just not hungry.  I haven’t been really hungry in a while.  The feeling of hungry, I’ve forgotten what it feels like to want to just dig in and stuff my face.  I walk down the hall and look into my sister’s room to find she’s not there.  She must have stayed at Chad’s last night, again.  Her boyfriend’s house is where she basically lives now.  She hates me still for what happened.  It feels like everyone does.  Whatever…I grab my board down in the basement and head out to the beach.  Since we live right on the sand I can surf whenever I want.  My mom taught me how to surf when I was little.  The ocean is what saves me every day when I can’t stand myself any more.  I walk down to the water and just stare out to sea.  I sit on the sand watching the tide come up and surround me like ants around a sandwich.  The water is cold, refreshing; it wakes me up and reminds me that somehow, someway, I’m alive, even though I don’t want to be.  Even though the water is only touching my feet and the bottom of my legs I feel a cold hand on my shoulder, thinking my dad skipped out on work and came to join me down here I turn around expecting to see his weighed down face but as I turn I don’t see anyone.  No one’s there and the cold hand feeling is now on my back so I get up and jump around thinking maybe a jelly fish or something came up in the tide.  Once I realize there is nothing or anyone near me I get scared.  I try and calm myself down and just start walking down the beach.  I look up at the sky and see the lightning I frequently see in my dreams and that night I dread to remember, flash down into the water.  I start to run down the beach as fast as I can.  I am running from something that I don’t even know.  The thunder grows louder as I run faster. I want a wave to just scoop me into it’s waters and take me as deep into the ocean as possible.  I don’t know what’s going on except that something is grabbing the backs of my legs and I need to run faster.  I feel a hand on my ankle and I crash.  My face falls into the sand and following is my body.  I open my eyes and sit up and feel something hugging me in a deep embrace. I start to smell something, something so familiar but I can’t recognize it. It grows stronger until tears drown my cheeks and I know exactly what it is.  Lavender; My mother’s scent! The hug gets tighter and I start to hear whispers but I can only distinguish certain words like, “You'll be alright” and then ringing, then, “No one can hurt you now” and finally the ringing stops and a voice drifting away whispering,  “safe and sound”.  Those words are part of a lullaby my mother used to sing.  Is my mother here with me?  I that her scent?  Her voice?  Her deep embrace that I miss so much.

        The voice leaves and I fall to my knees and start crying and heaving into my frightened hands. I then feel the coldness again and I scream and then there are two cold hands on my shoulders and I get up and feel skin, it’s my sister.

“What the f**k Luna!?” My sister screeches with a confused look on her face.

“Sorry, Sorry; I thought you were someone else. I got scared I’m sorry.” I tell her while trying to catch my breath for the second time.

“Why are you down here running sprints and dancing and s**t?” She asks me with a suspicious look painted on her face.  It’s almost like she knows something. “We have to go have brunch with Dad. I told you before I went to Chad’s last night.”

“I’m sorry. I forgot.  I’ll go shower really quick and I’ll be ready.”

“Hurry, I have a life too you know. I want to get this family time over as soon as possible.

        I grab my board and rush up to the house. I walk into my bedroom and rest my board on the wall, grab a towel and head into my bathroom. As I start to take my board shorts off I feel faint all of a sudden and start seeing flashes of white specs all around the room. My body grows cold I know this feeling. I don’t run this time as I start to hear the whispers. I stand my ground and look all around me turning every which way.  I’m starting to grow angry because I don’t know what is going on and if it’s my mother trying to contact me why is she doing it this way? Filled with fire I start shouting, “Who are you?” “What do you want?!” After two minutes of this my sister comes running into the room.  Grabbing me and holding my arms down from flying everywhere.  She mumbles something and my legs go numb and I crash to floor like a petal that was just picked off a rose but she catches me and I fall lightly.  It’s like that petal turned into a feather as I lay there without feeling.  The whispers are gone and the look on my sister’s face is scaring me.  It’s like she needs to tell me something but something is stopping her.   

“Luna, be calm. Focus on your lungs, in and out, you need to relax. Focus on my hand.” She raises her hand above my face as I lay on the floor and starts mumbling things that I’ve never heard before. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t even English.

“Io sono tranquillo, io sono forteAnche se pu�™ sembrare oscura così a lungo.Per i giorni deve seguire ogni notte,Tutto è bene.Io sono sempre al sicuro da danni,La Dea mi tiene in braccio.”  Siria starts to chant over and over again until i can feel my lungs open up and i feel a surge of energy jolt through my body. I sit up and start to cough as Siria rubs my back. I look at her and her face looks uneasy for a moment but then rushes back to the old look. The i don’t care about you i just pretend i do look. 

“Well, you're okay now. I’ll be waiting down stairs. Hurry up.” She says as she gets up and walks out the door.

“NO.” I shout aggressively. Im sick and tired of people not telling me what’s going on and leave me to fend for myself. My life is in a million pieces right now and she can’t even give me a little closure and tell me what’s going on because for some reason i know that she knows exactly what’s happening to me.

“Shutup Luna and come on.” She goes to walk out of the room but i feel that surge again and my hands and fingers are tingling. I’ve never felt this before but i know i’m not letting Siria get anywhere until i find out what’s happening to me. She will not walk out of this room until i find out. I take one step forward lower my gaze. I don’t know what i’m doing but i know its what i should be doing. I focus on the door and it slams shut in front of her.

“Siria, you're not going anywhere until you tell me why i’m hearing and feeling dead people. I Why are they attacking me. I know you know what is going on. And that thing...that spell back there that you just did. What's going on. How come i knew what it meant and it was in another language?”

“oh you know what it meant? Please enlighten me.”

 She lowers her stare...

Reviews

[VictorSimones]

I was eagerly reading this but a couple sentences should not go here ^ My mother was dead on the rocks I used to play on as a baby^ This struck me as trying to fill in what the reader does not know and it messed with the pace of the story. Good direction though I like your description of the ocean.
Keep writing :)