ADDERALL

CONTENT WARNING: Descriptions of disordered eating and bulimia

I miss you
Over 100mg a day
You made
my heart race

I miss you
The way you
Made me scratch
at my skin
and my scalp
Until there was blood
Under my fingernails

I miss you
Dropping 35lbs with you
Made me feel
So pretty
That I stopped eating
For days
And started purging
The food from my empty
Shrunken stomach
In public restrooms
With plastic spoons

I miss you
I didn’t sleep alone
When I had you
You sat on my chest
And wrapped my hands
Into white-knuckled
Clenched fists
You held me tighter
With each shallow
Painful breath

I miss you
My now steadied limbs
Don’t feel complete
In the absence of
Your gentle rattle
I want you to make
My bones dance again

I miss you
Joints shuddering
In aching pain
From you
Winding them up
So tight
I wish you could
Be here again
To contract
Every muscle
In my starved
Depleted body

I miss you
We would sit
On the bathroom
Counter together
And scrutinize
My yellowed skin
Picking and prodding
At every imperfection
For hours
Leaving scabs
And scales
Littering my
New thin face

I miss you
I remember fondly
The time we spent
Together laying
Face-down on
My kitchen floor
The tingly buzz
You filled me with
Every time I fainted
Pleasantly twinkling
Across my body

I miss you
At 4am
The time we
Used to stay
Up until
Every night
Staring at a wall
In my dimly lit room
Hours passing
Without me
Even noticing

I miss you
I know you hurt me
But I want you back
Every day
I miss how you made
Every moment hurt
And now I spend
All my time
Craving that pain

I miss you
I want you
To wreak havoc
All over again
Through my
Willing body
Swallowing doses
Of prescribed self harm
Each morning
I’m so horribly
Painless without you

Reviews

[Davidgeo]

Some of us have the type of personality where self destruction and self love can look the same if you're not very careful. What you miss is not really a substance, it is a feeling/state of being that a substance allowed you to experiance. Something that was always within you, just very difficult to find. It's still there, no matter what, it never won't be... neither will it ever be easy; it wouldn't be special if it was. But can you ever find it without destroying yourself? (yes, you can... but it will never be easy until it's not)

[Lost]

Thank you for your wisdom, I appreciate your comments :)

[Davidgeo]

It's always my pleasure. I have to ask you though, why do you include a 'content warning' for things like bulimia?

[Lost]

Because I describe forcing myself to throw up with plastic spoons in public restrooms in this poem. I developed an eating disorder while taking Adderall, and I engaged in a lot of bulimic behavior like that. I stopped eating, and whenever I did eat I would try to throw it up.

[Davidgeo]

That has no bearing on whether you do or do not need to 'warn' your readers of the fact. Now, for maybe similar reasons, I feel that I need to say... I'm not trying to be confrontational or derisive toward you in anyway when I ask you these things. l simply argue that both are an inherent waste of time.

[Lost]

I hear you. I feel like it’s my responsibility as a writer to take care of my readers. I appreciate content warnings, so I try to do the same for those who might read my writing.