8/14/18: BAD DAY

Trigger Warning: Graphic description of self harm

Sitting in the driver’s seat

Stuck in my driveway

My arms don’t seem to want to move

To open the doors and let me out

I want to go inside,

But it’s not like

There’s anything there for me

I keep wandering

Drifting about

And everywhere I go

I just want to be somewhere different

Not anywhere in particular

Just someplace

That will make me feel different

The steering wheel

Is level with my bowed head

I slump my body into it

And imagine smashing my face off it

Again and again

Until I leave blood

Stamped into the horn

In the shape of my pain

I canceled all my plans tonight

So I didn’t have to talk to anybody

About how broken I am inside

And how things still aren’t going my way

Because I’m sure everybody

Is as sick of hearing it

As I am of feeling it

Tonight I want to drown

And feel the pain in my chest

Suffocate me

Until I fall asleep

Rocked soothingly

By throbbing waves

Of emptiness

Crashing over me

I keep trying to talk

But each time I just start crying

And words stop coming out

I want to get help tonight

But lately I can’t seem

To let anybody help me

I saw my therapist this week

And instead of telling her how I feel

I stared at the ground for an hour

And let out the tears I’d been holding back

Since my last appointment

When I did the same thing

She keeps asking me if I’m safe

And I keep telling her I am

Hoping I can make myself believe it too

I can’t feel anything 

I am a vacuum

I want to hurt so badly

Just to remind myself I’m alive

Because I don’t feel like I am

Anymore

Author's Note

This is alarmingly rough and alarmingly recent, but I don't want to worry anybody with this poem. I have bad days, and I fall into deep depressive moods. They always pass though, and I am very capable and well equipped to stay safe. Writing when I feel this way sometimes produces concerning pieces, but it's how I cope. It helps me work my way out. I may be struggling, but I am far from giving up; do not worry.

Reviews

[Anaisa]

I'm sorry to read about your bad days but I'm happy to read your writing. As always it's full of emotion and honesty. I have my bad days too and I find that writing is my biggest outlet. Continue to rise above even when it feels like your drowning. We never know how strong we are until being strong is the only option we have.

[Lost]

Thank you for your kindness and encouragement :) Your reviews always make my day brighter ✨

[Onlyme]

A dark, deep and dramatic poem about depression, sadness, and lost hope. That anyone could relate to in a big way. You are far from alone. Sharing how you feel. Helps in away. Get it all out. And also. Let you see others do relate to how you are feeling. Anytime you need a chat. Drop me a line. massive hug right at you. Dawn.

[Lost]

Thank you so much, I really appreciate that :)