Queer Guilt

My experience of growing up queer.

Queer guilt.

For years I thought that I resented school because of the overwhelming need to conform. In recent years I have realised that is not the sole reason. When you are born into a semi progressive and loving family, much like I was; there is little to worry about in terms of being accepted. In a building full of insecure teenagers, it was slightly different. Looking back on pictures of my younger self, I see myself and often think about how although everybody else knew; it never made it any easier.

In my opinion, it was often hard to differentiate between my insecurity and my queerness. I remember clearly that in my teenage years, whenever asked about which boy I liked, I either denied liking any or gave a name of someone that I knew nobody would tell. I think that as an overweight, ginger tomboy with skin issues �" I was aware that I didn’t stand much chance with teenage boys (Not that I really wanted to).In my mind, if I didn’t like anyone then I couldn't be hurt or publically embarrassed. 

I remember my best friend at the time asking the all familiar question during a French class in school. I subtly scanned the room and landed on a boy that I knew didn't speak English as his first language therefore meaning it would be very hard for her to communicate my feelings to him. Giving his name, most likely with a wavier in my voice, I remember her laughing and being almost proud that I had a new 'crush'.

It wasn't until about a year later that I realised, actually �" she was the only crush I had ever had. The moment it dawned on me was terrifying. I remember being in class, we were exchanging banter back and forth when I realised what that deep, uncomfortable, swirling feeling in my stomach was. I had always known our friendship was different that my others. There was a recurring theme of fallouts over small, insignificant things. Now, looking back I see that it all stemmed from jealousy. I was jealous when she talked about boys, I was jealous when she had female friends that she was closer to than me and I was jealous that in reality I would never be with her. 

Along with the feeling of unrequited love came a heavy overwhelming feeling of guilt. Why was I feeling this for my friend? Why couldn't I just be friends with her and be happy? I felt almost dirty. Although I now know it is no different from a boy fancying a girl, it all felt very taboo. 

I carried that guilt with me for years, not even admitting my feelings to my closest friends once I was out the closet. 

A few years later I was in college and had made friends with a slightly older classmate. Although I dressed in plaid, wore snapbacks and had a fifth harmony phone case and matching note pad, I technically had not come out to anyone in higher education. By this point, my parents and family were well aware and were completely fine with it, as I always knew they would be. Up until this point I still hadn't spoken a word about my feelings for my high school best friend to anyone.  

My older friend was obviously very aware of my sexuality as she would prod at me in attempts to get me to verbally confirm. She would talk about her experience with girls and boys and ask about mine, of course as a freshly born baby dyke, there was nothing to tell. It soon became clear to me that history was repeating itself as I started to have similar feelings for my new friend and soon the guilt returned. 

Deep down I knew technically it was different this time, she was queer too. I had a chance in that respect. That however did not stop my insecurity and uncertainty from telling me that I didn’t. It yet again felt wrong. She was older, she was independent and most importantly she was my friend. The guilt I felt stayed with me for years as I hid the feelings deep within myself. Yet again, not telling a single soul. 

Keeping the feelings to myself became increasingly hard as the feelings grew stronger. I would create long spotify playlists with songs about unrequited love, I would confine in only online friends that lived miles away. Discussing with my friends it soon became clear that this was a very common feeling in the community. 

It was strange to me as I knew that so many people within the LGBTQ+ community struggled with religious guilt however this was not where my guilt stemmed from. Growing up I didn't have queer influences. This is why I turned to the internet. Online I created a world for myself, sharing what I wanted to share, saying what I needed to say. In doing that I was introduced to a world of queer content, shows about queer relationships, YouTube couples that shared their life with their audience and so much more. I made friends, I formed educated (and occasionally uneducated) opinions, I learned about myself and all the other wonderful queer people online. It felt so freeing. That was until I logged off. 

The real world was not as kind. I found myself longing for what I had seen online. I wanted to love and be loved, I watched as my friends got in relationships and talked to boys. I maintained my friendships despite my far deeper feelings and I got on with it. That was until one night at a party when unexpectedly found out that my feelings were not unrequited. They were not all in my head and they certainly were not bad feelings. After a long night of conversation, I confessed my love almost immediately, expressing exactly what I had been telling my long-distance friends all along. I couldn't believe she liked me back. In all honesty, I never really did believe it, for almost all of our relationship. I worried and I felt jealous, I cried and I spent time being so protective over my feelings that I forgot to enjoy myself. Being free from guilt felt like a dream. I knew it had to end eventually, and it did. 

All I needed was an eye opening experience to show me that this really was going to be okay. The relationship wasn't long, and the pain afterwards was awful, but it led me to where I am today. In a happy, healthy queer relationship.