Chapter Six: be sure your sin will find you out

Phillip always knew that he was different and that his difference was dangerous, although he did not have the words to describe what his difference was. He saw that others identified his difference too, from their looks that held hidden meanings, the conversations that went silent when he came too near and the whispers that were never loud enough for him to hear.

When Phillip came across the famous poem by Lord Alfred Douglas (Oscar Wilde’s lover) called ‘Two Loves’, he began to suspect what his difference was, but still this other voice, that came to him across a chasm of more than a hundred years, was ambiguous and euphemistic and did not succeed in connecting with the words that were used by the other children; moffie, f****t, queer.

In a dream Douglas sees two personifications of love, the first ‘sang of pretty maids and joyous love of comely girl and boy.’ The other ‘walked aside; he was full sad and…he sighed with many sighs that moved me....’

In tears Douglas asks ‘the other’ what his name is and the youth replies:


‘My name is Love.’

Then straight the first did turn himself to me
And cried, 'He lieth, for his name is shame,
But I am Love, and I was wont to be
Alone in this fair garden, till he came
Unasked by night; I am true Love, I fill
The hearts of boy and girl with mutual flame.'

Then sighing said the other, ‘Have thy will,
I am the Love that dare not speak its name’.


Finally a boy at school asked Phillip the direct question that helped him make the link that the other voices had only succeeded in hinting at before, "Are you a homosexual?" Not knowing what the word meant he had no answer. He went home and looked it up in the dictionary and his worst fears were confirmed; ‘A person who is sexually attracted to members of the same sex.’

These words resonated in Phillip’s being and confirmed the feeling of fear that he had and the conviction that he was destined for disaster unless he could find a cure for his difference, redemption from his sin. The dread that he felt in reading these words was reinforced by what he heard from his father's pulpit; ‘Be sure your sin will find you out.’

During his formative and teenage years being homosexual was described as; bad, evil, corrupt, errant, aberrant, immoral, wicked, depraved, dissolute, decadent, debauched, disgusting, repellent, repulsive, sickening, perverse and an abomination.

Phillip was taunted, excluded and humiliated by his peers leading him to a place of loneliness, guilt, isolation and an agonizing sadness. One such incident is recorded in his diary:


I don’t know why they chose me. Why they followed me down the dark city streets with their taunts; ‘Queer, moffie, fudge-packer, s**t-eater, c**k-sucker.’ I began to run. This was the wrong thing to do because it seemed to incite them to harsher, more physical action.

I climbed onto an empty bus destined for an area nowhere near my home and idiotically sat next to an open window. They crowded around calling names and obscenities. A couple of them tried to board the bus but the driver calmly got out of his seat and pushed them out the door.

They were young punks, about six or seven of them, boys and girls aged between twelve and fifteen. One of them spat at me through the open window and the spittle slowly ran down my face and settled on my upper lip. I made no move to wipe it off. I sat there, in a state of shock, lighting a cigarette with shaking hands and trying to concentrate on the action of smoking. Inhale, exhale, look straight ahead and don’t stop breathing.


Phillip was isolated from both the normal and the queer kids and, perceived as weak, they all made fun of him. The normal kids were too rough and loud and he couldn’t participate in their rude and heated discussions about bodily functions and sex. He was never included in their rough and tumble games. He was always IT; the butt of their jokes and snide asides and the object of their ridicule. While they were playing soccer and rugby, he was playing the piano and chess.

The queers were frighteningly open and brashly uncaring about what others thought. He couldn't stand the shrill defence of their difference and the overly exaggerated mannerisms they cultivated in order to publicly protect themselves.

Phillip fell between these two extremes of butch and camp, which were so clearly defined even at this tender age. He was always on the sideline, doing everything he could to blend into the scenery, disappear into the fringes of activity; to remain out of the limelight lest it expose his fraudulent existence.