When you walked on the moon

Do you remember that time when you were the first person to walk on the moon?

When the world seemed big, and the heavens high, and stars were unimaginably big,

and the moon, therefore, vastly bigger, and you learned for the first time of rocket ships

and man's dream to spread out across the galaxies and see the stars and you thought;

what about just the moon? I'll walk across the moon and bury my face in star dust

and then maybe someday leap from its lowered gravity and fly through all the galaxies

but only after I've left some footprints on that big golden moon that's so close yet so

far.

Reviews

[Shawn M]

My only negative criticism of this is the overuse of the word 'big,' which I think should be avoided altogether. From the rest of your writing I can tell you are good with words, and 'big' is an awful word to describe anything, but even more so when you use it three times within two lines. However, outside of this, it was brilliant. The first line is KILLER. I can't think of a better way to start a poem than with that. Got the same poetic excitement when you said "I'll walk across the moon and bury my face in stardust." Ugh. That is what I love to read in poetry. Thank you so much for sharing, and I hope this can be helpful. If you get the chance, please pop over and check out my work, as I am DEFINITELY looking for honest criticism. Best of wishes! -Shawn

[Carissa Faulk]

Thanks very much! I definitely agree, I normally HATE words like "big" or "very" in poetry. I only used it here because I was trying to mimic some of the wonder and awe of a child, so I was attempting to use some childish language, but maybe it didn't work like I intended it to. Thanks so much!

[Shawn M]

Oh cool! I wish I had gotten that. It's a good idea, so maybe if you could tweak it a little to make that more apparent? That could definitely work. It's just a tough thing to pull off because it can make it sound weak. Ya know? But I like it!

[annabellee]

The opening line is brilliant, it really draws your attention to the poem :)
I liked all of it.
Thanks for sharing :)

[Travis Gibson (poetic h..]

Another write that conveys a perspective I miss dearly. Childhood gave a magic that is the purist we will never know again.

[Carissa Faulk]

I feel like most of my poetry springs from memories of childhood. Growing up is good in many ways, but I think it's tragic how much we lose by becoming an adult...

[Travis Gibson (poetic heroics)]

It is indeed tragic.

[Sami Khalil]

Very interesting poem...:)........................