To Say Goodbye

Margaret leaves her love Thomas to go live in India with her mother.

Denver, Colorado 1948

 

      “It’s been a long time,” he said.

      “It has,” she said shaking her head.

      “Margaret, I’m sorry,” he apologized.

      “Thomas, do you think I’d really forgive you for what you did?  You caused me so much pain.  It’s taken years to get over it.   And then when I finally think I’m done with it, you go and show up again!  I am saying goodbye.”  And with that she picked up her suitcases and walked away.   She was hoping that he’d say the magic words and try to stop her from leaving.  But she was terribly disappointed when he didn’t rush after her with professions of undying love for her.

       Suddenly, she heard her named called.  Margaret told herself that she was better off without him, so she kept walking.  

       The conductor called, “All Aboard!”

       “Margaret,” he called, “Let me tell you why!”   Tears rolled down his warm cheeks and he felt his heart breaking.   His feelings for her had always been so deep and so intense that they scared him.   For some stupid reason he always said and did the wrong thing.  Not once had he been able to do right by her.  

       Margaret stepped inside the train and left Thomas standing on the platform.   She gazed at the red velvet interior.  It looked elegant and comfortable, but none of that mattered.  What mattered was that she would soon be starting a new life without Thomas.  

        Thomas ran to the door of the train, determined to hop on and plead with her while she had no where else to run.  Steam poured out around his feet and the whistle rang in his ears.   The door shut and locked and he knew he’d lost his chance.   She was going to India and she would never be back.

        The train started to move and Thomas stepped back.  He watched the train leave, realizing just how much he loved her.  He loved her long ago and would love her the rest of his life probably.   Thomas cursed himself for not taking all those opportunities he’d once had to tell her exactly how he felt.   He’d always changed the subject when it came up and told her how he longed to be with her every night and every day for the rest of his life. Now she wasn’t in his life at all.

       Inside the train Margaret stared outside the window as tears ran down her cheeks.  There was an ache and an emptiness inside and she didn’t like it.   Then there was the nausea.  Feeling like she was going to be sick, Margaret got up and went to the restroom.   There she vomited and felt much better.   She returned to her seat.

       The train was going to take her all the way to the Western Coast.  She’d stop in California and then board a boat that would take her to India.  Her mother and uncle were already there waiting for her.  Thinking of how many days the trip would take made her sleepy.  Margaret took a nap on the train shortly there after.

       A sudden jolt awakened her.  The train had come to a stop and Margaret’s eyes fluttered open.  She looked around and saw that the passengers were getting off.  This was her stop, which also happened to be the end of the line.   Still tired, she hurriedly grabbed her bags and got off the train as well.   She called went through the station and then found herself alone on the busy San Francisco street.  She waited for a cab to come pick her up.  While she waited, she watched people pass her by on the busy streets.  Margaret felt like crying, but it wasn’t the time or the place.   Margaret found a cab, hopped in, told him where to go and shut the door.  The driver sped away. 

       As she rode she noticed that the sky grew more ominous.  Soon it would begin raining, which only made her sadder.   Margaret told herself to stop thinking of Tom.  But God, how she loved him!  She blinked back the tears from her green, thoughtful eyes.  She played with her shoulder length light brown hair for a moment. 

      Margaret couldn’t help but recall his charming, irresistible smile and his sweet kisses that made her go weak in the knees.   His touch had made her feel so alive and full of joy.    The though of never seeing his smile, kissing him or feeling his touch again made her feel nauseous again.

       A distinct voice shook her reverie.  “Ma’am, we’re here.”

       Margaret handed him the money, took her bags and entered into the hotel she was staying at for the night.   A bus boy helped her with her luggage after she checked in.  She tipped him and then turned to see her room.  It was small, but comfortable.   She heard the rumble of thunder in the distance, followed by rain on the window.  Margaret ran to the bathroom and threw up again.  Tiredly, she collapsed on her bed and fell asleep without even taking her dress off and changing into her nightgown.

       The next day another cab took her to the port and she boarded the huge steamer ship that would take her to India.   Margaret spent the first day of the trip in her bed sleeping.  The constant nausea was too much to bear awake.

       The second day aboard the ship Margaret began to feel a bit better.  She read and laid out on the deck mostly.   She even wrote a few songs.  It had always been her dream to be a singer, but it had always been her mother’s dream for her to get married and have children.   She never thought she’d marry anyone until she met Thomas.  Unfortunately, her mother disapproved of her choice in men. She was shocked to find that her daughter was sleeping with Thomas without the benefit of marriage.  It was positively scandalous.  Since Thomas was not ready to be married right away, her mother suggested that she break it off with him.  After a long time, she finally did, but not because of what her mother said.  

       One more week and I will be home, Margaret thought to herself.   India would be just the place for her to get away from things and start a new life.  There was nothing there that would remind her of Tom.   She hoped that she would also find meaning and direction while she was there as well, for Margaret felt like she’d just been drifting through life with nothing to tether her down.   Margaret went to bed that night contemplating what her duties were and what she wanted to do.   She tossed and turned all night with feelings of sadness and guilt.  She should have followed her heart and forgotten about what other people had wanted for her.

        The next day she was restless.  She wandered into the dinning room when she heard someone playing the piano.  Margaret walked up to the piano, listening to the pretty song that the man played.   She tipped him with some of the loose change she had and asked if she could sing along.  He told her that was fine, so she hummed and than sang along.  She used the lyrics she’d been working on and fit them to the tune.   It was all about Walking on the Wind.  When she’d finished, the piano man clapped and offered to buy her a drink. 

       “Sure thing.  What’s your name?”

       “Jasper,” the man replied, “At your service.”

       “Margaret,” she said.

       Jasper and Margaret enjoyed a drink together that afternoon and found themselves talking about their lives and what had brought them to that place at that time.  As she came to the part apart leaving Thomas at the train station, she started to cry again.

       “Darling, don’t cry,” Jasper said. 

       “I can’t help it.  I love Thomas so much, but I left him anyway.  Do you think I am a horrible person for doing that?”

        “No, no,” he assured her.  “Everybody has to make hard choices and everybody loses somebody that the love at some point.  Why, I’ve lost plenty of people I loved.”

        “Did you push them away and feel sorry about it later?” she asked wiping her tears away.  

         “Yeah, come think of it, I did.  I fell in love with a real pretty woman once, but she was married.  I probably should have fought for her, but instead I slept with her and left her.  I’ve regretted it ever since.  She could have been the love of my life.  But I guess now I will never know.”

         Jasper kissed her lightly, which was pleasant, but she wasn’t ready for another romance so soon.  She pulled away and bid him good afternoon.  He watched her leave wishing he could make her feel better.

         That night as she slept, clouds began to move across the sky slowly at first.  Then they gathered quicker and thicker as the storm moved in.  Inside the Captain’s Quarters Captain Phineas paced the floor.   They coming storm worried him.  He prepared as much as he could, but he feared it wouldn’t be enough. 

          Around midnight it began to rain.  It was a drizzle at first, but then it turned into a downpour.  The wind picked up and the rain began to feel like arrows or bee stings to anyone left up on deck.   The waves began to grow larger and larger, making even the most seasoned sea traveler feel a bit ill.

          A particularly large wave knocked into the ship and it woke Margaret up.   She looked out of the window and saw a streak of lightening light up the dark sky.   Thunder rumbled and then the lightening crashed again. The storm was right on top of them.   Margaret got dressed and rushed to Jasper’s room for comfort.  But he was not in his room.

          She wandered through the halls and down into the engine room.   There, in the engine room, she found Jasper.  He was helping the other crew members try to plug a leak that had sprung in the hold.   Jasper found pieces of wood and metal to cover the seams that were tearing apart.   The patch slowed the water down, but it was not going to hold for long.  Water was still coming around the edges of the patch. 

          Finally, the Captain ordered an evacuation of the ship when it looked as if the ship was doomed to sink.  Margaret and Jasper helped wake everyone up and get them into the lifeboats.   She climbed in the last lifeboat as the ship became consumed with water.  As they rowed away from the giant steam ship, Margaret watched it slowly sink into its watery grave. 

Author's Note

Written in November of 1990.