Without You

Terry Leaves Mariah

Chapter 11

 

        Mariah began to realize that Terry had been her Dreamlover all along.  She didn’t understand why there was an empty spot inside when she had everything she’d ever dreamed of.  Mariah began to cry herself to sleep the nights Terry was gone and she fell deeper and deeper into a dark depression. 

        It was Saturday when Caleb took her aside and asked how she was doing. 

       “Fine, I guess,” she said very unconvincingly.

       “You don’t seem fine.  You are sad all the time.  What is wrong?”

       “Nothing.”

       “Are you sure?”

       She sighed and said, “I just feel empty inside and I don’t know why.  I know I am truly blessed to have Terry as a husband and to be Queen of Falcon Castle, but I can’t seem to help how I feel.”

       “Do you think you are just missing Terry terribly since he’s been away?”

       “That may be some of it.”

       “Do you think missing Airyon is also part of it?”

       “Probably.”

       “It will all get better soon.  I promise.  You can trust your brother.”

       “I know I can.  You taught me to always have hope and never give up.  You always supported me and you’ve never let me fall.”

       “That’s what brothers are for.”

       “I will never you fall either, because that is what sisters are for,” Mariah smiled.

 

        It was Sunday afternoon when the carriage carrying Terry made its way up the long winding road up to Falcon Castle.  Terry watched the castle grow ever closer and felt both anticipation and fear fill him.  He couldn’t wait to see Mariah and give her the news, but he was afraid that things would go back to the way they were before he left.  He prayed that the time away helped her sort through whatever it was she needed to sort through before returning to normal.  At dinner time, the carriage pulled into the main square at last. 

        Word came to Mariah that Terry had returned and she rushed down to the square to greet him.  As Terry stepped out of the carriage, Mariah ran right to him and threw her arms around him.  They kissed long and passionately. 

        When they parted, Mariah said, “I’ve missed you so much!”

        “I’ve missed you too. So how have you been?”

        “Tired mostly,” Mariah said.

        “Well, I’ve got some wonderful news.”

        “Really? What?”

        “You might as well be the first to know�"you are the Queen.”

        “That I am.”

         Terry kissed her lightly again and said, “Thing went very well at the meetings, which were officially entitled Conference for a Course of Action.  We started with three fourths of providence’s kings and queens.”  They stepped inside the castle as a footman grabbed Terry’s bags and brought them inside.  “At first there was quite a lot of uproar, but then Kazan gave a speech and quieted us all down.  Each of us were allowed to take a turn to voice our view of the situation and what should be done.  Very few of us agreed and most of our time was spent arguing over petty details.  But finally, we did manage to reach a conclusion.”

       “Which was?”

       “Which was what?”

       “Terry,” she laughed, “What was the conclusion!”

       “Oh,” he smiled mischievously. They reached the top of the stairs and he said, “That.  Well, it was decided that ships would be sent out to scout new places for us to live if and when there is a flood.  Once we’ve found a proper place to colonize, we will slowly move to the higher ground to live.  In the mean time, check points are being set up at all ports.”

        “Check points?”

        “Yes, they will only allow trade ships from our country in and only let a dozen or so visitors come for a while.  They will keep track of who comes in and who goes out.  There is a team being formed to focus on visitors.”

        “Sounds like a great plan.”

        Terry put his hand on the door knob of their door.  “All in all it turned out well.  Nobody knew for sure if it will work.  I mean these are unforeseen forces that are at work.”  They entered their room and Terry said, “I can’t wait to spend some time with my beautiful wife.”

        Mariah stood facing him as he sat down on the bed tiredly.  She asked, “What of the Kingdom? They need to know what is going on as well.”

        “They can wait,” he said taking her hand and pulling her close.  Gently he pulled her down and pressed his lips to hers.  She couldn’t muster the enthusiasm she had for Terry and he noticed. Terry pulled away and asked, “Are you not happy to see me?”

        “Yes, of course I am dear.  I am just very tired.  I haven’t been sleeping well lately.”

        Terry’s chest moved with his breath as he sat there silently. He was disappointed that things hadn’t changed�"that Mariah seemed more distant than ever.  “I will take a bath and we can talk some more when I come out,” Terry decided. 

        “Very well,” she sighed.  Terry got up and went into their bath room while Mariah changed into her nightgown and slipped into bed.  Despite how wonderful it was to have Terry back, Mariah didn’t feel very warm or loving.  She simply felt numb.  A part of her still longed to feel Zev’s touch or Keveh’s kiss.  She didn’t even understand why. She dreaded Terry’s return and that made her very angry with herself.  Mariah closed her eyes and tried to relax, but memories flooded her thoughts.

         Terry came out and interrupted Mariah’s train of thoughts.  He was wearing only his forest green robe.  His dark hair was combed neatly back.  “I hardly slept the whole time I was gone,” Terry confessed as he approached her.  “I was so….”

        “Driven,” Mariah finished for him.

        A smiled played at his lips.  “Tell me more about your time back here at Falcon Castle.”

        “Same.”

        Terry’s heart was sinking and beginning to break.  He didn’t know if he could stand this any more.  What was wrong with her? Didn’t she love him any more? How could he reach the distance between them?  If only there was something he could say or do.  Terry would do anything if only he knew what it was.  He kissed Mariah passionately and then turned over and blew out the lamp.  He snuggled deep under the covers and left Mariah to herself.

      “Good night,” Mariah said softly, and then she turned over and fell asleep as well.

      The whole of Falcon Castle slept better that Terry and Mariah.  The kingdom’s fears were put to rest by Mariah’s inspiring words.  The faith that they had in her was sadly more faith than she had in herself at that moment.

 

        The next day Mariah and Terry rose and had breakfast together.  Everyone greeted Terry happily and inquired about his journey and the success of the meetings.  Before the daily civil hearings Terry went onto the balcony to announce his news to the people on the square.  They were happy with what he told them and felt even safer than they had before.  After the announcement and the civil hearings Mariah and Terry talked to Haroun and Kaleel over lunch about creating two crews to man two scout ships that would sail from Falcon Castle for exploration.  Kaleel took down notes as Terry talked.  Mariah just poked at her food because she felt too ill to eat.  Her stomach was queasy and she was positively exhausted, but she had no idea why.  After the meeting, Mariah excused herself and went to her room to lie down. 

        Terry peered in between his meeting with Captain Wahab and his meeting with the former King Kestrel.  He saw Mariah lying there peacefully with her hands over her stomach.  The love he felt for her overwhelmed him so much that he found a tear slipping down his cheek.  She was so beautiful and lovely.  Every moment it seemed she was filled with unwavering kindness and a divine grace.  But somehow something had changed inside of her, which broke Terry’s heart.  Silently, he slipped back out of the room and went to talk to Kestrel. 

         About half way through the meeting Kaysem joined them

        “So how is Mariah,” Kaysem asked as a fire crackled in the fireplace.  The rest of the room was dark.  In the flickering light of the fire Kaysem could see the pain in Terry’s eyes. 

        “The same.”

        “Has she said what is wrong?”

        “No, but I think she is having an affair.”

        “Don’t be ridiculous.”

        “She’s withdrawn.  I go to kiss her and she doesn’t respond any more.  I…I just don’t know.”

        “Give her time.”

        “I have,” Terry snapped.  There was a long pause.  He swallowed and said, “I am losing her Kaysem and I don’t even know who to!”

        “Has she left any hints or clues?”

        “I don’t know.  She just sits and thinks all day.  I did find her asleep on her old bedroom floor one day with letters from Zev in her hands.”

         “You don’t think….?”

         “I am not sure.  I know Zev has left Falcon Castle, but that doesn’t there wasn’t something there still….”

         Kaysem stared into the fire and said, “Maybe it is memories that she is having an affair with.”

        “Memories?”

        “Yes, memories.  Maybe she is just lost in the past right now.”

        “If that is the case then I may never get her back.  How can I compete with something like her memories and dreams? Dreams are better than reality aren’t they?”

        “You don’t exactly compete with them Terry.  How could you?”

        “Then what would you do?”

        “I don’t know.  Maybe talking to her will help or maybe she’ll come out of it eventually on her own.  Or maybe there is nothing you can do.”

         Terry fought back the tears.

         Kaysem stood up and patted Terry on the shoulder.  “It will turn out all right in the end.  I believe that the love you share is stronger than anything.  Hold on, okay?”

         Terry nodded and sat in his seat for a while after Kaysem left.  After a while, he got up and returned to his room.  It was past dinner time, but Terry wasn’t hungry�"just very tired.  Terry opened the door to their suit and heard Mariah singing.  He stopped in his tracks and listened.  It had been quite a long time since he heard her sing and it was a beautiful song.  The words felt like an arrow to his heart though.  He couldn’t believe it.  Kaysem had been right, Mariah was having an affair with her memories. 

         Mariah was singing about being a shadow of the person she used to be.  Her heart was cold because she was dreaming about someone and some love that could never be.  She was unsure of why her lover had to break free.  They weren’t lovers any more and they weren’t even friends, but she was still longing for him endlessly, whoever he was.  She would have given all she had to be with this person just one more time and that made Terry feel like he just wasn’t enough for her�"that he never could be.  Mariah closed her eyes and wrapped her arms around herself; her hair gently fell over her bare shoulders.

         Mariah didn’t even notice that Terry was standing at the door.  Instead, she was imagining Zev holding her again.  She wondered if they could have made things work if she hadn’t of broken things off with him.  Maybe he had been sincere.  Maybe she had just been too insecure and jealous to see that he really wanted her and only her.  Then she sighed, wondering why she was holding onto something that was so far gone. 

        Terry was so filled with sorrow, that he couldn’t bear to stand there any longer.  He ran from the door and down the hall.  He nearly knocked over a servant and flew past the guards at the front doors.  He ran to Mariah’s old swing and stopped to sit down upon it.  He wanted nothing more than to cry, but the tears wouldn’t come.  He’d spent far too many days and nights being strong for everyone else; he didn’t know how to be weak any longer.  Rage filled him because he was helpless to keep Mariah from longing for the past.  He wanted to hit someone or something, but he knew it wasn’t right.  Terry stood up off of the swing and walked around the castle grounds for a very long time.  The dark of night slipped into his soul and a decision had been made despite the tumbling thoughts and feelings inside.  Terry had to leave Mariah.  In the morning he’d tell her and then flee back to Polyscome Aplues until something could be worked out.

       Reluctantly, Terry returned back the room that he shared with Mariah.  He found her fast asleep when he arrived, which he was thankful for.  Terry found his bags that were not yet unpacked and set them by the door.  He slept out on the couch in the outer room of their suite.  After waking up early and not being able to get back to sleep, he went down to the kitchen to see if he could find some food to eat.  The cooks were just starting breakfast as he entered.  He nibbled at some food while talking to the cooks and then returned to his room.

        When Terry returned, Mariah was up and slowly getting ready for the day.  She had no idea how upset he was with her or what he was about to say.  Odessa had brought her breakfast up and she thanked her hand maiden. 

        “Good morning!” Mariah said trying to be cheery for Terry.

        “Mariah, there is something I have to tell you.”

        Distressed by his tone of voice, she asked, “What is it darling? Is something wrong?”

        “I’m leaving.”

        “For where? Why?”

        “I do not know, but I cannot stay here any more.”

        Mariah couldn’t believe what she was hearing.  Was he leaving her for good? He couldn’t be! Not after all that they’d been through together.  “You’re not leaving me forever are you?”

        He just looked at her hopelessly.  He didn’t have to reply for his expression said it all.

       “No!” she cried.

       “This is not working Mariah.”

       “You can’t do this! It isn’t right Terry….Please!”  She was near hysterics.  She was so overwhelmed that her thoughts jumbled inside her head and she couldn’t express how she felt.  Her mind just kept repeating the word No.  No. No. No. 

        “I love you, but I am losing you,” he said surprisingly calm.  “And to the past of all things.  I can’t compete with your memories Mariah. I cannot live with you so lost in the past.  I need you here in the present with me.  I won’t watch you deteriorate like this…”
       “I’ll be better.  I know I will.  Just stay and help me. Please.”

       “I cannot help you,” he said softly.  He touched her cheek tenderly and said, “That is up to you.”

        Tears wet Mariah’s warm cheeks.  Several tears fell onto Terry’s hand.  Mariah couldn’t speak.  All she could was cry.  Terry kissed her hand and left so she would not see him cry as well.  Terry picked up his bags and shut the door behind him when he left.  Terry left Falcon Castle right away and very few people knew about his swift departure or the circumstances surrounding it.  He was gone before anyone could stop him.  His horse galloped across the countryside.  Terry thought perhaps he could distance himself from the pain he was feeling, but it was almost as if his pain were a dark cloud that followed him no matter where he went. 

       Not able to take the news, Mariah just stood there trembling in her spot.  A wave of nausea and lightheadedness rolled over her.  Slowly blackness filled Mariah’s world and she fainted.