Tears

Claire gets her heart broken again.

Tears

Rain poured outside the window on a warm September night. A young woman sat inside on her bed. The room was dark, cool and silent except for the sound of her crying. Claire pushed a lock of her red hair behind her ear and blinked back the tears that wouldn’t stop. Her heart was, without a doubt, broken. This night was like many others. For a long time Claire cried out of loneliness and thought it would stop when she got into a relationship. It hadn’t. She had cried out hurt and frustration, and now that relationship was over, she was crying out of loneliness again. Claire laid down and curled up. Her T-shirt rustled and she was aware of her body. Both cherished and abused, she felt beautiful in her vulnerability. Tiredly she surrendered to sleep.

The next day she talked to her friends, took care of some errands and then it was off to work. Little did she know that this was the day that would change her life. Work for her was in a store in the mall. Sedona was a high priced run of the mill “in” clothes store. Despite the high prices the pay was still minimum. Claire couldn’t afford the clothes there so she shopped at garage sales, Good Will and Wal-Mart. Still, the job made her feel richer and like she was a part of something important. Her tastes were good, so she didn’t stick out like a sore thumb. Claire was actually able to have her own original style within the current fashions because she was quite creative.

One slow day Misty stopped in with a friend to visit Claire. Claire enjoyed Misty’s company because she outspoken and didn’t care what other people thought. Misty’s outrageous style and even more outrageous opinions could liven up any day, so when she showed up to visit Claire it was a pleasant surprise. It was certainly better then straightening and folding clothes. “Hey, Claire,” Misty called, “Stop consorting with conformists for a minute and come visit with real human beings.”

Claire looked up to see Misty and a tall guy standing beside her. “The only people in here are you guys,” she replied, “Were you referring to my boss Buffy who’s hiding in the back?”

“Sure, whoever.” Misty shrugged.

“So who is this?” Claire asked referring to Misty’s silent but handsome friend. He had short red-brown hair and a goatee. Very stylish.

“Oh,” Misty cried suddenly, “Sorry. Claire this is Jared. Jared this is Claire.”

“Hi,” Claire replied with a smile.

Jared smiled back and nodded, “So is her name really Buffy?” he asked.

“Who? My boss? No, her real name is Ashley. She just acts so stuck up that we gave her that nickname. Just because her daddy is loaded she thinks that she is better than everyone else. She doesn’t need this job really and she is constantly pointing it out. It just irks me.”

“Have you told her that is she doesn’t need this job then she should quit and let someone who deserves it have it?”

“Of course, unfortunately her daddy says that she needs to learn responsibility and won’t give her any money if she can’t hold a job.”

“Bummer,” Jared replied.

Although their conversation was only casual chit-chat that afternoon both of them felt a connection. They both found that they wanted to know more about each other, even though they were hesitant to be too forward about it.

Misty took Claire over to Jared’s apartment a few days later. She had to pick up some CDs that she had loaned him. The CDs sparked a conversation about what kind of music that Claire liked. “Oh,” she replied, “I like Poe, No Doubt, Republica, and Nine Inch Nails.”

“I like anything that is different,” he declared as he led her to his CD collection

. Claire looked over the rack on the entertainment center. Primus, Butthole Surfers, Cake, Buffalo Tom and Bad Religion and among many others filled the rack. “Yeah, I can see. Different is good though.”

“Its boring to be like everyone else. Conformity really sucks.”

Claire found herself laughing. It was a good point, but phrased so comically. “That’s one way to put it,” she said.

“Hey,” Misty interrupted, “Are you still going to that Phish concert Jared?”

“Yeah,” he replied, “Tuesday.”

“I’ve never been to a concert,” Claire announced.

“I go all the time,” he replied. “Once you start you can’t stop. Its addictive. There is nothing like seeing a band live.” Jared moved from the entertainment center to his kitchen table to look for something. “Can I bum a cigarette off you Misty?” he finally asked. Misty took out her pack of cigarettes and shook one out for him. He lit it and inhaled deeply.

While Misty and Jared talked Claire looked around the room. The walls were bare. The living room consisted of a couch, TV, VCR, and stereo system. The adjoining kitchen was clean. She bet that there was little food in the fridge and in the cupboards. From her spot by the couch she could see the bookshelf in his bedroom. Interview with a Vampire was just barely visible among the other titles.

“Well, if you will excuse me, I have to get ready for work,” Jared announced.

Claire stepped closer to Misty and asked Jared, “Where do you work?”

“I am a server at Lapoloma. It’s a Mexican restaurant not too far from here.”

“I’ve heard of it. Is it pretty good money?”

“It pays the bills,” he replied flatly.

Claire and Misty said good-bye and descended the stairs to the car below. The rest of the day was spent running around. It seemed that everyone had decided to run errands that gray overcast day so it ended up being a very hectic and frustrating afternoon.

Claire found herself thinking more and more about Jared the next few weeks, especially when he began to visit her at her work. They would talk casually about work, music and movies. With each conversation more and more of themselves became revealed. They became more comfortable around each other and looked forward to their talks. The trust and openness between them began building slowly up toward a relationship, at least that is how Claire saw it.

Claire realized in November that she wanted to dive in, get to know him. He dropped hints and clues, but never opened up to her all the way. Inside she hungered to hear his story. Why did he make comments like, “Love sucks?” Claire guess he had been hurt very badly in the past and she was drawn to the pain he was hiding. She was curious about what had happened to him and wanted to help him somehow. Claire could understand why Jared was so afraid of love and thought if she could somehow show him that love was worth the risks that things would work out. She thought that maybe they could both find some happiness for once if only he gave a relationship with her a chance.

One night after Jared got off work he came to visit her. They talked in her car in the parking lot after she had clocked out. Sedona and all the rest of the stores closed and everyone went home, but they were still talking. Finally he told her that he had to go to Meijers to get some “stuff” and she was welcome to come along. Claire hopped in his black Laser and went with him. Together they shopped, Claire pointing out things for him to buy. Jared took her suggestions a few times, but some things he wouldn’t budge on. “I have a comfortable routine,” he explained to her, “Some things I look forward to. My bowl of cereal in the morning and my beer at night after work.”

Claire laughed and said, “I love to try new things, especially when you have friends who do it.”

“So you pick your nose if they do? Have sex with who they do?”

“No,” she said perturbed, “Like using the words they do and trying foods they like. Stuff like that.”

The subject changed to hunting as they passed the sports section. Both agreed it was a cruel sport and that they couldn’t kill an animal if their life depend on it. “Have you ever thought about being a vegetarian?” she inquired.

“Nope.”

“I have. If it weren’t for those damn McDonald’s cheeseburgers I would be.”

He shook his head and rolled his eyes.

After an hour Jared returned her to her car. Before she got out of the car they came to an awkward spot in their conversation. Neither Claire nor Jared was sure about what they felt. Jared had joked, “Boy, I could use a good lay about now.”

“So could I.,” Claire replied.

“Well, seeing as how you and I are sitting here, and there is nobody else around...”

There was a deafening silence. Was he serious about this suggestion? Did he really want to have sex with her? Claire wasn’t sure what to say in return. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to or not. She was defiantly interested, but she was scared that he would screw her over like so many other men had. Would it be worth the risk she wondered.

Jared sensed her uncomfortableness and tried to make her feel better. “It would be nice if it were that easy.” He yawned. “I think I need sleep more than anything right now. It is one a.m.”

“Oh, it is isn’t it? I should get going then.”

Jared reached into the glove box and got out a scrap piece of paper and a pen. He jotted down his phone number for her and she gave him hers. Then they went their separate ways.

Jared called her first, then she called him a couple of times. His visits to her continued and things were looking good. Claire felt like she was making progress. He was opening up to her and they were spending lots of time together. Each little thing that he said or did meant so much to her. She was one step closer to him with each moment shared.

Then it came to a screeching halt. In December, right before Christmas, Jared hooked up with Leslie. He had mentioned her only once or twice casually and so Claire had no idea that he felt that way about her. That is why when Misty mentioned Jared’s new relationship Claire was completely shocked.

“You didn’t know?” she asked surprised.

“No,” Claire said sipping her Dr. Pepper from a straw. They were at Misty’s apartment having a snack.

“Strange.”

“So do you know Leslie?” she asked trying to hide the sinking feeling inside.

“I’ve met her, but I don’t know her well.”

“What’s she like?”

Misty was quiet. “You really like Jared didn’t you? I mean not just a little, but a lot. You like have feelings for him.”

Claire sighed. “I thought we had something that was heading somewhere. Then he does this! What in the hell is he thinking?”

“Who knows. Men have a habit of f*****g things up. They go out with the bad girls and then screw us good ones over. They just don’t want someone to love them and treat them good.”

“It is because they are thinking with heads---not their minds!”

Misty laughed.

Claire sighed and added, “Maybe one of these days some guy somewhere will come to his senses.”

“I wouldn’t hold your breath though.”

“So what is she like?”

“Leslie? She wears too much make-up and acts like your stereotypical stupid blond.”

“Why would he go out with someone he has nothing in common with? He told me he hates women who wear too much make-up and act so fake. Jared said he could never fall in love with someone he couldn’t hold a decent conversation with.”

“Maybe he is afraid of falling in love with you and he knows he’s in no danger of falling in love with Leslie.”

“But that doesn’t make any sense.”

“He’s a man, he doesn’t have to make sense. I never said he was smart anyway. I told you that he was sweet and funny.”

“And he is.”

“Forget him,” Misty suggested.

By beginning of the year the time they spent together diminished. Phone calls were few and far in between. Jared all but pushed Claire completely aside. Claire was, as always, frustrated. She began crying when she heard “Pepper” by the Butthole Surfers for no apparent reason, other than the fact it reminded her of Jared. It wasn’t the least bit of a romantic song, but it reminded her of some of the deep discussion they got into. One day when the song came on the radio she had wondered out loud what it meant and they began talking about the lyrics. She had loved being able to talk to Jared about whatever silly little thing drifted into her mind Tears flowed freely in the car on her way to work that day and it took some time to collect herself before she went and clocked in. She went inside Sedona as if nothing was wrong, although it was. She was just so tired of starting to get to know someone, starting to care just to lose them. No guy ever showed her the kind of interest that she showed them. They always withdrew and became very afraid it seemed. She thirsted for honesty and affection, both of which seemed impossible to find.

Just as Claire was beginning to think of Jared less and less often he came back into her life. Her thoughts were once again filled with him and everything about him. It took three months to refocus on work, and this cute guy at the toy store next door and then it all went to hell when Jared called her late one night.

“I’ve got an idea. Why don’t you come over. I’ll pay you back if you go get a video for us to watch.”

“Why can’t you go get one yourself?”

“Because you are the one coming over here. If I were leaving my house I’d get the video, but I’m not.”

“I guess that makes sense, although I think you are just being lazy.”

“Probably.”

“I’ll be there in a half hour or so,” Claire found herself saying. She told herself that she wasn’t going to put herself through the same heartache again, but now here she was running right back to Jared as soon as he called. Claire ignored the nagging feeling inside that shouldn’t be doing this and left a note for her parents before leaving for the video store. Though nineteen she still lived at home. Her parents let her come and go as she wanted as long as she let them know where she was at. This worked well. The video store was pretty empty at ten o’clock at night and most of the best movies had been picked over. She grabbed an old favorite, “Reality Bites.” Somehow as she drove to his apartment she knew what was about to happen.. She wanted be with Jared in, but she was still so afraid that it wouldn’t work out. Despite her fears she ended up letting things fall into place.

Jared was lounging on his couch and drinking a beer when she got there. He’d been too lazy to even get the door so he just called “Come in” really loud when she knocked. Claire opened the door and walked in. Since Jared didn’t bother to move his legs off of the couch she sat on top of them. “What movie did you get?” he asked.

“Reality Bites.”

“Already seen it.”

“Damn!”

“No, it was good. We can watch it again.”

Claire got up and put the movie in.

She was about to push play when Jared stopped her. “No, wait. I’ve got to watch the end of this hockey game.”

Claire shrugged and sat back down. Jared told her to help herself to a beer and so she did. She drank her beer and waited impatiently for the game to be over. It finally ended at eleven-thirty and Claire happily started the movie afterward. As the movie played they found themselves talking instead of watching it though. The conversation shifted from what generation X meant to existentialism and then moved steadily down hill to beer and sex. “I haven’t been laid in so long!” Jared declared.

“I thought you had a girlfriend.” she replied.

“Had. We broke up a few weeks ago,” he said, “You want another beer?”

“Sure.”

“Get me another too while your up,” he smiled.

Then they began playing, wrestling around and tickling each other. Claire tried to get Jared pinned, but he pinned her instead. The fact that he had wrestled in high school and was just plain stronger than her didn’t give her a chance in hell. The laughing and giggling stopped. Their bodies were very close. He was nearly on top of her. Suddenly both of them realized what was happening. The moment was perfect. Finally he leaned down and kissed her. It was quick, but full of emotion. When it ended he said, “Don’t assume that what just happened means anything,” he told her.

They watched the rest of the movie in silence.

When Lelena and Troy got together in the movie Claire made a comment that she was a lot like the Lelena character, “Only I never get the guy in the end.”

“Me either.”

Claire laughed, “You never get the guy either?”

“Nope, never.”

Claire yawned. “I can hardly keep my eyes open.”

“You can crash here if you like,” he suggested nonchalantly.

Silently she agreed. Wordlessly she followed him into the bedroom. The laid down together in his bed. In the light shining in from the street she could just make out the tall black bed posts. Jared reached for her. Gladly she pulled closer to him. Their lips found each other. In the darkness passion took them over. The connection had became undeniable. Hands drifted and caressed. Clothes became disheveled and then all together gone. Jared made a trail of kisses from her lips, down her stomach and between her legs. Suddenly she felt him inside of her and they made love without ever discussing what it meant. They were too caught up in the moment to care.

“I guess we should talk,” Jared said.

“I guess so.”

“This took me by surprise. I wasn’t and I’m not looking for another relationship.”

Claire had been afraid this was what he was going to say. Trying to salvage the situation she replied, “I didn’t ask for one. I just ask that you take responsibility for this you know.”

“You mean like if you get pregnant?”

“No, for your actions and stuff.”

“Oh.”

“So where does this leave us?” she asked.

“Friends.”

“But aren’t we already more than friends?”

“Look, I’m glad we did it, I just need some space. I need lots of space,” he explained.

“Are you even going to give me a chance?” Claire pleaded.

“In the future...Lets just take things one day at a time, okay?”

There was an uncomfortable silence. “Jared.”

“Huh?”

“I....” Claire began. She really wanted to say that she loved him, but she knew that he didn’t want to hear it at this point.

“What?”

“Nevermind.” Claire turned over and tried to get some sleep. As tired as she was it still took a while.

Claire went home the next day and went through her daily routine. When she saw Jared next it was as if nothing had ever happened. They watched TV and wrestled around like before. He slapped her playfully on the a*s a couple of times and grabbed her b**b once. There were no kisses or sweet caresses. Not even a kiss good night, only a hug.

That night as Claire tried to sleep she found herself thinking of all that had happened. Tears escaped her eyes. It seemed that all the guys she ever met ran at the first sign of commitment. After all the time and effort that she put in she got so little back. Sure, sleeping with Jared was a wonderful experience, but what good was it if it was so brief and so unsure? Claire decided that Jared had probably never intended for anything to happen. He had admitted an attraction and showed an interest, but never committed to anything. The idea of a relationship with her, for some reason, was unappealing. Still, what was all this wrestling and tickling about? Why couldn’t he keep his hands off her? Claire thought bitterly that this must be a game to him. He was daring himself to get away with as much as possible without out being caught in love, and in a relationship. Why, she wondered, did she end up hurt and they guy end up not giving a damn. Was it the guys she fell for or something she was doing?

Claire continued seeing her friends and going to work as always. Her life had not ended even though it felt like it. Her heart remained heavy and her smile was gone. Everyone noticed, but Claire refused to tell them why. She would only mention Jared vaguely.

As days drifted into weeks things hung as if in suspended animation. Claire kept going to visit Jared, but they stopped talking about anything substantial all together. The tickling continued though. Jared would sit on his couch, drink beer and watch TV. Claire sat with him every couple of nights, but eventually she began to get bored and fed up. What once appeared to have possibilities, now appeared to be going no where. It had built up to that one night and then poof! It disappeared into bewilderment.

A month had passed and Claire was going crazy. The tears began to fall and would not quit. She was confused, torn apart and had no idea what to do. For awhile she was convinced that she could reach him...that he was only afraid. As much as Claire wanted to reach out to him, he kept her an arms length away. When she started to talk about her feelings the subject was re-directed by Jared into something else. If she didn’t do something about it soon she felt like she was going to explode.

Wanting to drown out the pain with liquor, she got a of a bottle of Black Velvet. Alone in her room she started drinking. Then the phone rang, it was Jared. When he asked her what she was doing she told him and he asked her to bring the bottle down and share it.

In twenty minutes Claire was at his door with the bottle. On the walk over there she scolded herself for doing this, but she kept walking. Jared was listening to some CDs and doing his dinner dishes when she got there. Tripping Daisy, Stabbing Westward, Nine Inch Nails and Garbage played in the background as they talked and drank. It was the best talk that they had had in a long time, at least as far as Claire remembers. They talked about women’s rights, abortion, and teen pregnancy. Jared was so open about his views and opinions for once. With each drink the wall between them crumbled a little more. In a very short time both of them were completely blasted. Somehow Claire found herself half-naked and making out with Jared on the floor.

Among the loud melodies of “Dogs new tricks”, “Shame”, and “Closer” their labored breaths and moans could be heard. Then, before the main event, Jared got up and flew into the bathroom. Claire collected her clothes off the floor as she heard him getting sick. After gagging and retching he finally came out of the bathroom. Without a word he headed into his bed. Whatever had happened he would deal with it in the morning.

Claire found the courage to confront him. “Why did you do this?” she demanded from her spot on the couch.

He turned to look at her from his bedroom door way. “Do what?”

Claire looked up at him. Tears slipped down her cheeks. She ignored the fact that her red hair was a mess, her clothes rumpled, and her green bra strap showing. She simply didn’t care at this point. “Play with my f*****g mind all the time. First you are all over me and then you act like nothing happened and then you are all over me!” She hurled one of the pillows from the couch at him.

He caught it and let it drop. “Why do you have to want a relationship? Can’t you be happy with the way things are?”

“No! I can’t because I don’t know how the hell things are!” she screamed. “Are we together or apart? Do I go out with other guys or not? I don’t know.”

“Go ahead. Do whatever you want. I’m not stopping you!”

“But you are, “ she cried, “I feel committed to you. You just don’t understand.” In a shaky voice she continued, “I love you. I want to hold you and kiss you. I want to reach out to you, be there for you, but you won’t f*****g let me!”

“I’m sorry,” he said sitting down beside her. “I just can’t deal with another relationship right now.”

“Like hell. You’ll be back with Leslie before the month is over. Then I will be out in the cold and fucked over like usual. Well, I’m tired of it! I’m tired of you!”

He watched her bury her head in her hands and sob. He wanted to hold her, but he couldn’t.

Claire collected herself enough to stand up, “I guess you will never understand. I just wanted to be free to love you. I wanted to give you so much and share so much with you. I never wanted to hurt you or pressure you. And what do you give in return? Your pain. All the pain and fear you feel you’ve given to me in your coldness. Your pain is too much for me. I have had enough of my own thank you, so don’t put your s**t on me. Maybe I was more in love the idea of helping you then I was with you, but you don’t want my help. You want to wallow in self pity, like I started to. Well, I’m not going to do that anymore. Go ahead, feel sorry for yourself and be selfish. Don’t do anything to stop your misery. I wanted to tell you that, to show you that the misery you feel is your own doing and that you can undo it. But you know what? I forgot to take my own advice.” And with that she left.

Calmly she walked out the door, but once she hit the sidewalk she ran home. She ran into the pouring rain, her shoes still in her hands. When she came to the front of her dark house she stopped. No longer able to hold in all her emotions she collapsed on to the ground and let herself cry. The rain was helping her wash away all the sorrow inside. She looked up into the dark sky and called out, “Why?”

Inside she knew. For months it had been all underneath the surface, hidden. It built up inside until it was bigger than Claire and bigger than her everyday routines. It was a dramatic realization in a very dramatic moment. The salty tears were diluted by the refreshing rain. The tears, in the end, were all that Claire had. Her pain and love expressed by her neverending tears.

Author's Note

From my 2000 book Radiant Darkness