Death of A Pizzaman

Tim's Life Flashes Before His Eyes When He Gets in a Car Crash

Death of a Pizzaman

Tires screeched loudly. For a brief second Tim saw the car skid toward his old blue truck. Then there was the deafening sound of metal hitting metal. Tim was thrown forward into the windshield. As the glass shattered he saw his life flash before his eyes. Memories flew at him in a million pieces, reflected in the shards of glass from the windshield. They cut into him as bitter reminders of his mistakes and sharp points of the lessons he had learned.

Tim saw Krystal’s lovely face. Her long curly brown hair framed her soft angelic face. Her green eyes stared into his soul. Her rosy red lips were parted as if to say something. Tim couldn’t hear the words but he knew. She had warned him that he’d end up no where and die a meaningless death.

But his life had to mean something.

In 1962 Ken and Marilyn Wynette had their third son who they named Peter Timothy Wynette. The brought him home to their house in Greenwich, Missouri a few days later. Everyone called him Timmy as a child, except his mother who insisted on calling him Peter after her brother who died in Korea. Tim was like any other little boy. He played and played and got into trouble. He pulled lots of pranks and teased lots of girls.

He never was very close to his brothers Jack and Mike, but there were a few times that they shared some special moments. Most of the time they only lived to pick on each other and wrestle around. They only thing useful his brothers did was teach him all they knew about women, which wasn’t much.

Through grade school he got decent grades and was fairly popular. His parents expected his homework done and his chores taken care of before bed every night and he managed to do that. His parents really stayed out of his life more than anything. They set some ground rules and then went off to work. The family was comfortable only because both parents worked all the time. This made for nice clothes and toys, but little quality time spent together.

But what did this mean in the great scheme of things?

Tim was lonely. More than anything he wanted his parents to show that they cared, to give him encouragement. He strived to make them proud but he never seemed to be able to. When he was in junior high he quit trying to be good and started hanging out with the wrong crowd. Maybe that will get their attention he thought. And boy did it! They yelled and screamed and grounded him off and on for an entire year. When Tim did not straighten up they gave up on him. When they gave up so did he.

A conversation rang in his ears. It was the day after graduation. Tim was more relieved that school was over than anything. No longer was their the hassles of trying to do what everyone told you to, fitting in, or preparing for some nonexistent future. Now he could party and have fun. That was the plan at least. His father had to go and ruin it by demanding he actually do something with his life. Ken came into the living room one day and shut off the TV. “We need to talk,” he announced.

“Huh?”

“We need to have a serious talk.”

“What about?”

“What are you going to do with the rest of your life?” his father asked sitting down in his old recliner. Ken’s brown eyes stared at Tim with genuine concern. His weathered and wrinkled face was scrunched up into an intimidating scowl. “Who ya gonna be?”

Tim shook his head, but said nothing. He didn’t know what to say.

“You can’t sit on your a*s all day and watch TV. Your mom and I are not going to support you all your life. Have you even looked for a job?”

“Well....”

“I didn’t think so. Tomorrow morning I expect you to be out pounding the pavement looking for a job, and don’t be picky. Any job is better then no job. You’ll have time to be picky later.”

“Okay!”

“If you don’t have a job by the end of the week then we are going to have to kick you out.”

“Dad, that is totally unfair!”

“You need to know this is serious. No more screwing around,” Ken snapped. He turned the TV on with the remote and watched it silently.

Tim sat there completely shocked by his father’s threat. Both his mom and dad had complained about him loafing, but they never actually did anything about it. Tim wasn’t ready for such responsibility he decided. He was still young, eighteen, and he had plenty of time to settle down and be miserable like his parents. They had been working for a long time and neither one of them were happy. Tim wanted to be happy.

A few days later Tim filled out an application for The West of Italy Pizza Company. He only filled it out half-heartedly in the hopes that he wouldn’t really get the job. The next day he received a phone call for an interview. His father was standing there listening so he couldn’t say no. Tim was stuck going to the interview, and in the end stuck with his first job. Though he showed little enthusiasm or interest, he did work hard and got the job done. The only thing that Tim liked about the job was the money in his pocket. Tim decided that he would muddle through like he had school.

But then things changed for him as he began to let himself enjoy working there. Though he usually only delivered the food, occasionally they would let him make it. Tim began to have fun mixing and matching different ingredients. One day he thought he might try being a professional chef. Finding something he liked, rather he pursued it or not, had given him a little bit of joy in his otherwise dull life.

When Tim wasn’t working he was off drinking with his buddies or staring blankly at the TV. There wasn’t much else to do in Greenwich, except maybe get laid. Tim had dated some in High School, but nothing serious. Feeling up a girl was like playing baseball to Tim, it was a pleasant way to pass the time, but nothing to take too seriously. The idea of love scared Tim, mostly because he didn’t really know what it was. He had never loved a girl, or let himself get close enough to anyone for that to be a possibility. He dated a lot of shallow women in order to keep from getting close to anyone. Then there was the fact that in Greenwich there weren’t very many girls that weren’t shallow. No one out there seemed to care about anything worth while Tim decided. Life was surprisingly simple, and most people liked it that way. They got up, went to work, came home to eat and sleep; then did it all over again the next day. As fast as money came in it went out to bills. You go deep in debt to enjoy life’s creature comforts without ever really enjoying them it seemed.

Tim had a lot of acquaintances, but few really took the time to get to know him. A few girls did try, but Tim only pushed them away. They would get mad and tell him to trust somebody for once. Tim’s answer, “I do trust someone. Myself.”

Marriage and kids weren’t something Tim gave much thought to. He satisfied his physical needs, but being tied down wasn’t apart of that. It was kind of like if Tim was thirsty he would guzzle a pop or if he wanted to be entertained he went to see a movie. Just because he drank a pop didn’t mean he was going to drink that kind all his life was his analogy. Just because he wanted to be entertained didn’t mean he had to go see one movie all the time. Variety, that was his motto. The funny thing was he always drank Pepsi and always saw any movie with lots of explosions.

Despite the fact that Tim didn’t try new things a lot he often wondered what if would be like to do the things he saw on TV. He probably could have done some of those things if it hadn’t of required so much effort. Tim wanted to mountain climb, but there were no mountains in Greenwich. He wanted to surf, but there wasn’t an ocean near by. Tim really wanted to race cars, but he didn’t have the money. Tim always found a reason not to do what he wanted and he blamed it on living in Greenwich.

Tim’s strongest memory was of the long hours spent listening to the radio and arranging the items on a sub bun or pizza crust. The pepperoni were spaced one finger apart starting at the edge of the sauce on the pizza. The cheese comes before all the items on a thin crust, but not on a pan pizza. When making a topper pizza you put the hamburger and bacon on top so it gets cooked.....

Funny how little things, the tiniest details come to you in the grandest of moments. Life was about the little things though Tim realized.

Seeing a colorful pizza and knowing that somebody, somewhere would see your work and enjoy the food you made for them was rewarding. When you delivered the food with a smile and got a smile in return it meant a great deal. These were the small pleasures that made up life, not the big events that turn out not to be so big. There was no lying, cheating or stealing to get to pleasure from things like these, because these pleasures were pure.

One particularly busy night Tim was doing a little bit of everything at work. The phone rang and he answered it. “Thank you for calling West of Italy, this is Tim speaking, how may I help you?”

“You’re welcome, this is Krystal calling you and you may help me by taking my order,” the voice replied pleasantly.

“Sure, what would you like?”

“A million dollars, world peace...”

Tim laughed, “I’m afraid I can’t help you there. I can, however, make you a delicious pizza, sub or salad.”

“In that case I’ll have one medium pizza with pepperoni, ham, mushrooms and no cheese.”

“No cheese?”

“I’m allergic to dairy products.”

“Well our cheese is non-dairy. I think it is made out of some kind of new rubber material. It bounces off the walls quite nicely.”

It was Krystal’s turn to laugh, “I don’t think rubber would settle too well either. I will just stick with no cheese.”

“Anything else?”

“A chef salad.”

“Man, I hope you aren’t going to eat all of that all by yourself.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t think one person can handle having that much of our greasy food. It might clog your arteries and give you a heart attack.”

“Does your boss know about your rave review of the food there?”

“Actually, that is what he told me himself.”

“I think I’ll take my chances. Besides, my friend is here to take on some of the grease.”

“Good, cause otherwise I was going to have to come over to help you eat some of that--just to save your life.”

“I’ll be fine.”

“That’s good. Can I have your name and address so we know where to send this bucket of oil.”

“Krystal Moore. 158 Delaware Ave.”

“Phone number.”

“Only if you give me yours.”

“How do I know you’re not going to start stalking me now? You could start calling me and hanging up all the time.”

“Stalkers love cheese and I don’t.”

“Okay,” he replied happily, “Its 555-5613.”

“And mine is 545-6713.”

“Then that comes to $14.80 and we will have that to you as soon as possible.”

After Tim hung up the phone he put the order up and began making it. His co-workers scurried around him not realizing what had happened. Thinking about how sweet Krsytal’s voice sounded he put sauce on the crust. Slowly he moved the spoon, careful to keep the line of sauce even. Tim grabbed a handful of pepperonis and placed them in three perfect circles. This pizza was going to be the best she ever tasted. Next he pulled the ham out from under the counter and laid the triangles out in an alternating pattern. Tim smiled as he worked. It was almost as if he was putting a puzzle together. He sprinkled the mushrooms on over the other two toppings and placed the pizza on the conveyer belt into the oven. As he set about preparing the salad he knew that something special would happen that night. His usual thoughts drifted away and were replaced by Krystal. He only wanted to see the face that went with voice. If he could make her smile when he delivered it then his day was just made. Who was this girl and why was she so nice to him? Why did she ask for his phone number?

Tim put the finishing touches on chef salad by putting the pepperonis in to the shape of a smiley face. Satisfied with his work of art he put the lid over the dish and grabbed a pack of salad dressing. He put the salad in a bag and waited for the pizza to come out.

Denny was about to take the delivery, but Tim stopped her. “I’ve got it!” he exclaimed snatching it away from her. She stood there by the oven looking puzzled. Tim was never that eager to take a delivery. What had gotten into him? Tim packed everything up in the green thermo bag and headed out the door. His boss called him back in and made him take two other deliveries that were in the same area.

Tim saved Krystal’s for last so he could enjoy it without being rushed. 158 Delaware was a simple one story white house. Tim followed the sidewalk to the porch and rang the door bell. He waited impatiently as he wondered what she was going to look like. Maybe he was excited over nothing. She could be a dog he reminded himself.

The door swung open and there stood before him the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen. She had curly brown hair and the biggest green eyes. She smiled, and oh what a smile! Tim was awestruck. “Are you going to give me the pizza or just stand there?” she asked.

“Sorry,” he said sheepishly. He took the pizza and salad out of the bag. “I hope you like it, I made it myself.”

“Are you the one I talked to on the phone?”

“The one and only.”

“So, do you always hit on customers?”

“Only the cute ones, and besides you asked for my phone number.”

“Well, its only fair. You guys know where I live and I have no idea where you live. It is a security risk you know.”

“You could come over to my house and then we would be even.”

“I don’t know. Why don’t we meet somewhere instead. A public place is a very good security measure.”

“Sid’s downtown would work. It is pretty much in the middle between our two houses.”

“When?”

“Tonight after work.”

“Ah, no can’t. I have to baby-sit. Tomorrow night would be good.”

“Sid’s tomorrow at nine then.”

“Cool,” he said turning to leave.

“Don’t you want the money for the pizza?” she asked.

“Oh, yeah,” he said shaking his head and turning around. He took the sixteen dollars and kept the change at her insistence. Tim got into his car feeling like he was on top of the world. When he got back to work he stayed on cloud nine. Denny asked what was up, but he wouldn’t tell her.

The next night he went to Sid’s and met Krystal as planned. They sat at a booth drinking their beer and talking. Tim found himself opening up and completely relaxed around her. Tim had never met a woman like Krystal or felt the way Krystal made him feel. She was intelligent, sweet and funny. Tim just couldn’t get over the fact that she was interested in him.

For the next couple of months they dated casually. Tim was happy to take it slow and let the passion build. Soon they became seriously involved and were inseperatable. Tim had never known that sex could be so great. He guessed it had something to do with the fact that he really loved her. The fact that he was in love for the first time scared him to death. What scared him more though was living without Krystal, so he stayed firmly committed to her.

One day he was discussing love and marriage with a friend of his who was already married. “So Josh, what is it like?”

“You mean marriage?” his friend asked.

“Yeah, I think I love Krystal and I’ve been thinking about asking her to marry me. I never thought I’d be having these crazy notions, but I can’t seem to help it.”

“Yep, its love. You do all these things you don’t want to because of it.”

Tim was silent. He looked down at his friend’s living room floor. Josh’s wife wasn’t home and their little boy was down for a nap. “Have you ever thought about what love really is?”

“Sometimes.”

“And...”

“And it is something I’m glad I found, whatever it is, even if things do get a little crazy from time to time.”

“I want to give Krystal everything and really love her, but I don’t feel like I know how.”

“I know, it can be very scary.”

“So how do you deal with it?”

“I married it,” Josh laughed.

The subject was dropped when the phone rang and Tim was left to ponder love by himself again.

The day he married Krystal was the happiest day of his life. Finally life had purpose and it had meaning. Tim was no longer drifting, but flying instead. Everyone at West of Italy was happy for them. They were as surprised as they were excited. Everyone he worked with came to the reception, where plenty of pizza was served.

The honeymoon was short but sweet. Krystal’s parents, who were pretty well off, paid for most of the wedding and the honeymoon. Because her parents were not entirely rich the honeymoon was only to St. Louis for a week. Their taste of the big city left them wanting more.

Once back Tim and Krystal moved into a nice two bedroom apartment in a complex on the edge of town. They decorated it and had fun buying things for the apartment together. It gave them a sense of independence and freedom they never had. These moments of sharing were mixed with occasional fights though. Tim had never learned to compromise or be a part of a team, so it was all new to him. What was even more new was the concept of being a father. Krystal became pregnant only a few months after they were married.

Fatherhood was something Tim would have rather put off dealing with, but here it was. The responsibility scared him so much that it sometimes kept him up nights. He would lay awake and think, this kid is going to depend on me for all kinds of things. How can I answer all of his or her questions when I don’t even know all the answers? What happens if I lose my job and can’t find another? I don’t want some little girl to be angry because her parents were never there for her because they had to work all the time. It was all too much.

When Krystal gave birth to their little girl Sienna Lynn all these fears were forgotten. Tim felt like nothing short of a miracle had happened to him. Although he didn’t go on and on in front of his friends his littler girl was foremost on his mind all the time. When Krystal went back to work things became difficult. Tim decided the best thing to do was quit his job and stay home for awhile. This made things rough financially, but Tim was much happier. Work was getting boring anyway. Maybe, he thought, I should go to school or get a different type of job when I go back. But he never did.

I was wrong Tim cried out, but the only thing that could be heard was his scream. In the next split second before he sank into darkness he saw what he could have and should have done. He should have looked inside and found the truth; instead he only became more closed minded and dependent than ever.

Things went from good to okay. Life began to slip into the hum drum of routine. His life centered around Sienna and then Krystal. He saw little of his friends and did very few things outside of home. When he invited them over all they did was discuss their children and b***h about their wives. The meaning he had once found slipped away. One by one the days passed, until years had gone by.

Then the arguing began. Krystal was frustrated with Tim’s laziness. “I’m tired of living like this! Why can’t you get a job and help out around here for once. I know you’re capable of doing it.”

“What about not putting Sienna in day care like everyone else? What about not being miserable like our parents?” he asked.

Krystal threw the laundry she was folding at him, “Oh grow up!” She stomped out of the room and refused to speak to him the rest of the night.

Tim knew that he should go back to work, but he didn’t want to. He couldn’t make himself face the everyday grind of things. Tim knew that he should change, at least for Krystal and Sienna’s sake, but he couldn’t. Half-heartily he went looking for jobs again just to make her happy.

It didn’t work. Although she quit bothering him about a job and the arguing had stopped things still weren’t good. Tim was able to live in peace for nearly a month before she dropped the bomb on him. One night Krystal came home from work and plopped down in a chair. She let out a huge sigh and glanced around the messy house. Even though Tim had been home all day and it looked like a tornado had gone through it. Why couldn’t he clean up after himself and Sienna?

“Bad day?” Tim asked as he came in from the kitchen.

“Tim,” she said, “There is no easy way to do this. I am filing for divorce.” She looked from her surprised husband to a doll on the floor. As long as she concentrated on the doll she wouldn’t cry she thought.

“I thought we were working things out?”

“I thought that you were trying as much as I was, but obviously I was wrong.”

Tim sank down onto their bed. “You can’t be serious.”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

Bewildered he asked, “But why?”

“You want to know why? Because you are lazy! You aren’t going anywhere or doing anything with your life. You are going to end up no where, doing nothing and dying a meaningless death.”

“How dare you say that!” Tim yelled defensively. He was so angry and hurt by her words that he felt like crying or hitting something. It hurt so much because he knew that she was right. Even so, did she have to be so tactless in saying it?

“Because it’s the truth!” she yelled back.

“You are nothing but a mean spiteful b***h!”

Krystal broke down and began to cry. Immediately he wanted to take it back. He hadn’t really meant it. “That hurt,” she sobbed, “That really hurt.”

Tim just looked at her silently.

“Oh, Tim, I love you,” she sniffled, “but that isn’t enough. I feel so empty these days. Your drifting is breaking my heart. I just can’t take it any more.”

Tim reached out to her and took her in his arms. “I’m here for you.”

From his arms she said, “Not really, that’s the problem.”

Tim didn’t know what to say.

“Don’t hate me,” she cried.

“How could I hate you when I love you so much?”

It wasn’t her he hated, it was himself. He wanted to blame her, but he knew that he couldn’t.

Tim was forced to move out and get his job back at West of Italy. He stayed with his friend Josh for a week or so until he could get things set up to live on his own. The court had ordered that this be done before he had visiting rights to his daughter. The motivation to see his daughter was the main reason for the change, but he knew it would do him good too.

The weeks passed into months and the months into years. Tim found himself in caught up in the same oppressing grind that he had resisted for so long, but it wasn’t so bad. By getting into his job and seeing his daughter he didn’t have time to think about what he was missing out on. Focusing on day to day things didn’t allow for time to worry about the future. Tim took joy, for once, in the small details. Instead of thinking about how horrible life was he challenged himself with small stuff, like being the fastest at folding pizza boxes. Making quality food and seeing his daughter became all he lived for.

For awhile Tim even considered becoming a professional chef. He made some phone calls and did some checking. Tim even went as far as signing up for some cooking classes. When the day came to go to class ended up being saddled with Sienna and then having to work later that night. It seemed that it just wasn’t meant to be to Tim. When he had signed up he told everyone that he was going to get the hell out of this hell hole of a town, but inside he didn’t really think he ever would. Doubt nagged at him, telling him that he would somehow screw the cooking thing up like he did everything else. Maybe all he was meant to be was a pizza delivery man he decided.

It was a rainy October Saturday when Tim got out of bed for the last time. He got dressed and grabbed a Poptart before heading out the door. He went to Krystal’s and picked up his daughter for the afternoon. Krystal answered the door in her sweats, but she still looked fantastic to Tim. It struck him at that moment how much he missed her. “Is Sienna ready?” he managed. What he wanted to say was why did you ever leave me? And why won’t you come back to me? We were meant to be together, you and I both know that.

“Yeah,” she said, “Come in.” Krystal stepped aside and let him into the apartment. Toys, books and videos cluttered the floor. Sienna sat in the middle of the room playing with her dolls.

Sienna looked up to see Tim and her brown eyes lit up. “Daddy!” she cried. She threw her arms around him and they hugged.

“Get your things, we have to go.”

Sienna ran to get her Pooh back pack and came back. Krystal made sure she had every thing and said, “She is doing great in pre-school. Her teacher said that she knows her alphabet and her numbers better than most.”

“That’s my little girl,” he smiled. He picked her up. “I’ll have her back at 4:30 because I have to work to night.”

“That’s fine.”

Tim nodded and walked out to his truck. As Krystal watched Tim leave sadness filled her heart. She missed him more than she cared to admit. Though she had been dating another guy for nearly a year there were things that Tim and her shared that she never would with Jeff. Krystal sighed and turned back into the house.

Tim played took Sienna to McDonalds and to see a movie. As he watched her play love filled his heart. How could this radiant little girl be his? He didn’t deserve this wonderful gift. In the car on the way home when she finally fell asleep he nearly cried. There was so much he wanted to tell her, but she wouldn’t understand he thought.

At 4:30 he returned her to Krystal’s and made a quick trip to him apartment. He changed for work and rushed in the pouring rain to West of Italy. He clocked in and looked around to see what needed done. The phones were ringing off the hook and the orders were quickly piling up. Tim answered the phone and then took several deliveries that had been waiting for over a half an hour. He drove to the west side of town and then returned to cut a few pizzas and make a few orders.

It was about 10 p.m. when the drizzle turned into a down pour. Tim left with three deliveries to the east side, north side and then downtown. Reluctantly he took the dash to his truck and started it up. Before he left he closed his eyes to rest for a moment. How nice a vacation would be at this moment. Tim was not only tired, but not feeling good either. He had a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. Something inside him knew what lie ahead and he wasn’t sure he wanted to go.

Tim opened his eyes, drew in a deep breath and pulled out quickly. His headlights danced along the other side of the building. They illuminated a lonely old man walking in the ally without an umbrella. Peering through the pelting rain Tim looked for on coming cars at the end of the ally. He turned safely onto the main street and drove for a few moments.

A red light turned green at an intersection in front of him. The next street after the light Tim thought. He didn’t slow down but kept going. Out of no where the car came toward him. It was trying to make it through a yellow light, or maybe it was already red. Tim wasn’t sure.

Tires screeched and for a brief second Tim saw the car skid into his truck. As he was thrown forward and into the windshield he knew he was dying. The first feeling that was struck him was of how meaningless his life had been. At 34 he had never been more than a pizzaman. Tim never went to law school, med. school or even chef school. There was no door with his name on it, only a tiny tag that went on his green shirt. The second feeling that hit him was that there was indeed meaning to his life.

Tim had been a son, a brother, a father and even a husband for a short time. He was more than anything human. Tim had considered that his downfall for the longest time, but suddenly it became his savior. Life which had been taken for granted was now precious. Only when his life was being taken away did he see how wonderful it had all been.

Oh, it’s too late to appreciate this like I should he thought.

But it wasn’t too late.

He knew now that it hadn’t been all for nothing. The love he felt and the lessons he had learned were enough. They were all he really ever had.

Something happened in that instant and he was at peace, the kind of peace he had always dreamed of. Tim surrendered to it and darkness surrounded him. Then a little bit of light seeped in and it slowly it spread until light filled every inch of him. He no longer knew pain or sorrow, only love. This is what it was all about.

Author's Note

Originally Appeared in the book Radiant Darkness in 2000