I Walk My Line (My Final Goodbye)

A Poem by careyXcarnage

A really bad time in my life...

I wake up
3:00 AM...
Watch some mindless television
The numbness of my soul drones
A loud hum.

My ears fill with water
Lungs wasting away
Wishing for air
I involuntarily jerk my head upward
I curse that I couldn't keep my head down.

I run into my room
towel falling limply to the floor
go to the bedside table
pull the handle on the drawer
pull out my first aid kit
go to the bathroom
rip the drawer open
pull out the extra blades for the razor I use to shave my legs
pop a single blade from the five they give you
use the razor
shave my legs and arms clean
no hair to block my way
I take my blade
fresh and new
and burn the tip
"No use to get an infection now is there"
I entertain a soliloquy
after the blade
is thoroughly sterilized
I cut
I cut everywhere I can
There is a saying I think of
How ironic
"Death by a million shallow cuts"
I work,
I work and destroy this body which I know
so well,
so well that I can destroy it with knowledge
avoid main arteries and veins
hit nerves
if you cut the nerves,
you can no longer feel
I slash as many nerves as I can
the floor slippery with red
I go outside
clothed only in blood.

As I walk
I count the cuts
84, 85, 86
I walk and watch the blood keep coming
302, 303, 304
The blood is slowing
843, 844, 845
When I'm done with my arms
I count 1,026 cuts
Small incisions...
But a number so great,
they will surely kill me
I have walked 4 miles
I see the sign for my school building
I laugh at it
and slowly walk up to it
I stand with my nose 3 inches from the sign
"F**k...You..."
I say it slow
with meaning
my voice having a tenor to it
a crispiness
I smear blood still oozing from my arms
onto the sign saying

"Statesville Middle School
Home Of the Bulldogs
Remember Students, Report Cards go Home January 22"

My thighs rub on the brick
reopening old cuts
and resuming bleeding on the new ones
In the blood, I write
"You Kids Should've Known!
You KNEW Something was Wrong with ME!
You could have SAVED me!
Well, F**K YOU ALL!
-Carey Jones
--1995 till 2009"

As I walk to the rose field
My preferred place of death,
I hear sirens
"God D****t...
Did they call the cops?"
I whisper to myself
"Who gives a s**t,
I will be dead in about five minutes anyway..."

I lie down in "The Crossroads"
that is where the
red, white, yellow, and blue
roses converge into a swirl of roses.

"I keep a close watch on this heart of mine
I keep my eyes wide open all the time
I keep the ends out for the tie that binds
Because you're mine, I walk the line

I find it very, very easy to be true
I find myself alone when each day is through
Yes, I'll admit that I'm a fool for you
Because you're mine, I walk the line

As sure as night is dark and day is light
I keep you on my mind both day and night
And happiness I've known proves that it's right
Because you're mine, I walk the line

You've got a way to keep me on your side
You give me cause for love that I can't hide
For you I know I'd even try to turn the tide
Because you're mine, I walk the line

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine
I keep my eyes wide open all the time
I keep the ends out for the tie that binds
Because you're mine, I walk the line"

I sing that last line,
my eyes close,
and my heart flutters a bit in my chest
I feel like I am floating
I am lightheaded
And I Die
Singing Johnny Cash
In the Crossroads of the rose field
"Death by a Million Shallow Cuts,
Just as Much as One Deep Stab"