a lie.

its one in the morning and i had caffeine today

an undetermined amount

so maybe I'm not as scared as I would be at a normal hour

but I'm really scared this guy i like

and have been lying to

because that's how you avoid the terror your dad instilled in you

will ask me to be his girlfriend

and even though I may as well be his girlfriend

there's something so existentially, blindingly terrifying

about telling someone I actually want

that I am who I am,

but just as bad is telling someone you've promised intimacy

a lie.

some people say 'can we just go with the flow'

'why do we need a label'

intimacy issues are another example

of inefficient phrasing

is intimacy really the word?

or is it just expectation?

you can lie to someone without guilt if they're a stranger

do it with your friends sometime, it's fun.

make up something bizarre or something easier to handle

something that they can't get mad at

and if they do, they're not getting mad at you.

it's a way to slip past the crushing red brick walls 

that are slowly closing in

alcohol is a secondary social lubricant

to lies.

I'd love to say the walls aren't real,

but sometimes they are and you'll never know when

and they'll kill you

i wish the walls had a clear set of rules

and i wish there was a clear difference between street-smarts and trauma

i guess these feelings aren't helpful regardless,

at what point is the traumatic stress considered post?

you can either protect yourself with a clear mind

or protect yourself with a clouded one.

and who says fear makes you see the walls clearer?

and is the fear any more enjoyable than being crushed?

I don't think that lying is wrong

But I do think it's wrong to break expectations if you're the one that set them

The difference between those two things is semantics

But

I won't lie to you as your girlfriend;

As your friend I'll lie about the reason

Because one of those things is evil, 

and the other is none of your business.