Decision to Green Light

Poetic Diary on Illusionary Envy

as children, we do things without ‘reason’

as children, we are Just

we ‘act’ as we ‘feel’

so,

as adults, we ask:

“why did we do what we have done?”

“why did i become ‘mute’ when i was a little girl?”

“what is the ‘reason’ for me doing so?”

this, i was determined to receive answers to.

 

mother said,

“as soon as we brought Rizhia home, when you saw her, you just stopped talking.”

no sounds were coming out from my mouth

“for a long time” they all said

 

“Rizhia was so charming and you were very ‘habut’”

“Rizhia wanted to do things on her own and you needed to be fed, otherwise, you wouldn’t eat”

“Rizhia didn’t like me for some reason and that’s why i took you around more”

 

 

perspective;

hers: ate is so spoiled. even as a child, she had other people just do things for her.

“ate, all my life, you have overshadowed me” (in this room 2021-2-20)

 

mine: as a child, i just UNDERSTOOD why she needed her spotlight, that is why i muted myself.

i halted my voice from vibrating because i had a FEELING of the power behind it.

now, as an adult, i KNOW the difference between my shadow and light.

 

 

 

The Decision

 

COMPLETE GENUINE EXPRESSION OF SELF

or

continued subdued yearning for greatness because she carries the sin of illusionary envy to this day that will cause destructive internal and external harm to herself and others

 

 

 

as soon as she and i returned to her place yesterday

i walked straight to my designated sleeping room

there, i slept the rest of day and most night

i had woken in between

but i did not want to inter-act

i did not want to ACT

i did not want to take ACTIONS!

 

It is monday, the first of March, 2021

here i stayed

i stayed in this room

i have stepped out only to p

but here i remained

i remained in this room

“i’m fasting”

when she called me for split pea

“’took in’ too much this weekend”

not wanting to be in the same room

 

now i remember

i did walk down

for water and coffee

but even in my sleeping visions

 (dreams)

i could not act myself

to step down the ladders

to get my Self out

from in-attic to out-doors

 

am i para-analyzed?

is this what is?

keeping me from being free?

free to express my individuality

because the other cannot let go of envy?

 

is this blame?

misses ‘perfect’ being held in-sane?

living proposed “proper”

so to not shame the other?

 

this profit-sea

en-visions infinite blessings

with sole soul condition

i must reclaim the key

through this damned curse i see

to enter my true ‘happy’

 

“we need to talk”

i said to my sister

in my dream this morning

“i want to speak again”

i said to my self

in my wake hours this mourn-ing

 

beyond poetry

i will say bluntly

damned is the envious

cursed be the light

please forgive my pride

but i cannot hide your fight

you are resisting to see

what is beyond just ‘me’

 

i must practice my will

my will to choose

i choose my freedom and abundance

over your indecision and jealousy

i choose not to gain your weight

to keep you superficially laughing

 

i choose to reclaim my Self

my Self to light

my light to love

my love to live

i choose to Be Alive

 

this is my breathe

that is your unlife

i write poetic thoughts

you read tele-visions

i re-ponder on our subconscious

you refuse to face your reflection

 

i cannot wait for you to change

but patience is all i have been

i silenced my voice when we were tykes

stepped off stage for your solo acts

yet you return to me again

with subconscious malice and spite

because you do not have appreciation

for all the abundance

you seem to not have

 

i am afraid too

but i don’t want to stay here

i want to see the beauty

beyond all this fear

 

mother,

remind me of nurture

remind me of kindness

that this wrath may be subdued

for decisions such as these;

no wonder

men become mad

 

this Moon-day is over

sleep again i will

for Mar-tes is calling me

to move my fire at will

 

 

last-ing prayer:

uni-verse

thank you for

heart centered harmony

as ‘i’ walk my middle path

balancing between duality

one step.each.time

one breathe.each.space

one voice.each.thought

 

as ‘i’ stay-strong-still with-in

healing-heeling are with-out

 

truth is my belief

belief in all i know

knowledge i claimed

as wisdom i sowed

 

love is my verb

verbiage through acts

acts speaks of heart

heart loved by mine-d

Author's Note

every typo is intentional. my mind just flows this way and this is as close as i can get via text. i am all clairs; clairvoyant, clairsentient, claircognizance, clairaudient, clairalient, clairgustant just like everyone else in the world. use your superpowers to read me. thank you.