Preparation of the selective kind

Silence became a word itself, skulking around in the corners of my mind in the days leading up to my death. All connections and tangibility ripped intentionally from within myself. Like a self made solitude. Id sat there debating the reason's why and why not, tried to put some fleeting sentimental value on my worthless existence but found none of any great worth to halt my acts. The door had remained tightly shut, the handled battered in from the inside just in case in a weak moment id considered backing down. Just in case the cold knife lurching through my skin had made my cry out in desperation for some assistance.

Id planned ever inch of movement perfectly from months before the deed was done. Distanced myself from all and anyone that had a slightest chance of saving me, harshly severed any emotional attachments and merely vanished into the looming shadows of existence that had so beckoned me. The deafening chorus of echoing voices that danced like sadistic butterflies who urged me to my final destination had taken great glory in my planning infact. They had reveled and marveled at the precision and certainty of my descion. The unwavering resolve within me even in the final moments.

Most people when faced with the actual act of plunging a metal object within there own flesh and blood become terrified. They weep for there own guilt soaked souls as they fade from this world. But i merely dug deeper when pain shuddered through me, fueled by this furious loathing for my very being. The instantaneous relief with every turn of the blade. It was wonderful, in some sick and probably immorally wrong way.

The crimson fluid ran like a stream from the deep gaping wounds upon my wrists, taking with it the steady vision i had become so accustomed to during my lifetime. It pooled on the hardwood floor , like a shiny liquid mirror tainted with a empty longing. And i gazed within it , my eyes spinning amongst the droplets. There is an untainted beauty about fresh blood, an innocence when its no longer connected to this wretched frame. Its beautiful just watching it plummet courageously downwards, gathering in a glistening puddle around the floor beneath me. Slowly the very lights behind my eyes went out and my world was caressed by an unending darkness. For what seemed like forever i remained with some conscious thoughts, a moment of pure pleasure, perhaps i had waited for the moment of release my whole life. Wondered away the endless hours wishing myself away from a cruel and cold world. Well that childhood wish came true, not through some divine intervention mind you but by my own merciless slaving. My goals for life were simply to escape the hell that i was born into, to masterfully weave my way through day to day life with no hint of my misery showing. And so i did , and impressively so. Noone knew that night that my head had smacked against the floor, that despite my strength i lay there crying for two hours before everything began to go cold. The pain had torn through my nervous system causing me to endure my final moments in blinding agony as my eyes closed for one final time. My retreat from reality nowhere near as elegant as envisioned sprawled out upon my bedroom floor lying within my own my own Deoxyribo Nucleic Acid. I did not regret it mind, even in those fractured seconds of life that remained amongst the blood loss, i did not regret it at all. Infact i loved it. I embraced the very completion of my flawless plan and nobody heard my cries. It was perfect.

Reviews

[Taylor H.]

All connections and tangibility ripped intentionally from within myself----me not myself

Id sat there debating the reason's why----reasons

Distanced myself from all and anyone that had a slightest chance of saving me, harshly severed any emotional attachments and merely vanished into the looming shadows of existence that had so beckoned me.----fragment

The deafening chorus of echoing voices that danced like sadistic butterflies who urged me to my final destination had taken great glory in my planning infact. -----not sure what the last word is supposed to be

They had reveled and marveled at the precision and certainty of my descion---decision

Most people when faced with the actual act of plunging a metal object within there own flesh and blood become terrified.----their

They weep for there own guilt soaked souls as they fade from this world. ----their

i merely dug deeper when pain shuddered through me, ---I

i had become so accustomed to during my lifetime---I

And i gazed within it , my eyes spinning amongst the droplets---I it,

There is an untainted beauty about fresh blood, an innocence when its no longer connected to this wretched ---There is an untainted beauty about fresh blood, innocence when it’s no longer connected to this wretched frame


Its beautiful just watching it plummet courageously downwards--- It’s

For what seemed like forever i remained with some conscious thoughts, a moment of pure pleasure, perhaps i had waited for the moment of release my whole life. ----I

My goals for life were simply to escape the hell that i was born into, to masterfully ---I

And so i did , and impressively so. Noone knew that night that my head had smacked against the floor, that despite my strength i lay there crying for two hours before everything began to go cold.----And so I did, and impressively so. No one knew that night that my head had smacked against the floor, that despite my strength I lay there crying for two hours before everything began to go cold.

, i did not regret it at all. Infact i loved it.----I In fact I loved it.

This was wonderful to read.

[DeliriousCerises]

This is a wonderfully descriptive piece on depression and suicide. I feel you've really done those feelings justice. I like how the suicide is described almost like an art. Also the unusual take that the final moments were incredibly painful instead of blissfully peaceful and pleasant. You really struck a particularly strong dark tone. I also really liked that you spelled out D.N.A. it was a nice touch, makes me think about those who suffer from depression can often be incredibly intelligent, and that intelligence is really their ultimate downfall. The plan was perfect. Great job.

[Ama May Cooper]

That you so much for such a wonderful review. Im glad you enjoyed the writing. Feel free to send me any read requests you want, sometimes it takes me a while but i get through as many as possible :) and review the large majority of them.