There's something different

Just a little something i wrote i guess when i was thinking

Ive always found it somewhat impossible to tell where you fall in love or what makes you, the thin but definant line of where you nolonger like someone but love them with more than all your heart. Its mind shattering the transformation the sudden devotion that you weren't even sure you were capable of, the way there life suddenly becomes your's and you slip in place so comftorably and perfectly its hard to think how you survived without them?

There's something different about this time though, its a softer love of a deeper compassion its returned in glory and greatly appricated. Its comforting and just as scary as a repeated death, but its beautiful its untainted and the slates are all clean. 

This time the toes cuddle gently at night heated and soothed into calm by an emmiting radiation of the heart. I look at him and image me, him and the boys going to a rock concert together, heavy metal of course it wudent be anything else. Laughing and joking as we do , me and his hand tightly interlocked while james rambled on some morphed creation and luciano bopping along. And its peaceful and safe even with all those other bodies around alone in a frivioulus crowd.

This time the legs are strong and sturdy for when your feet miss the ground, this time they'll support your weight if you fall. I stare past my own mind for a few minutes and i see us moving into our first place him driving us up to the door. We natter and argue like children fighting over a toy, me silenced out of stubborn behaviour and him shouting about related arguments past. And then comes that tell tale line of his rolemodel relationship "would james let mish.." and we'd sit in the car a while before deciding our silence was worthy of no attention anymore. We'd unpack in silence and casually drop each other cautious smiles and when fhinished we sit akwardly aside each other until the puppy bounded to our feet and licked our lonely hands. We'll brefily look upon each others eyes and smile and almost silently make up only to collapse in each others arms while putting a film on.

This time the urges purely sensual for intimacy rather than pleasure, the strokes are gentle patient and enjoyable. I wonder breifly as i stroke his hair what the spawn will look like, tall , thin , built , feminie.. there looks there minds, there very being and the image isn scary at all its one of love and commitment, an unbroken family, in a little cottage with a swing set in the garden. All quite light skinned boys, 3 of them there little feet pattering around the house. Still young, the youngest still in nappies greeting me as i coem through the door. The eldest around five years runs to teh door and wraps his arms round my legs, as josh bounds through the kitchen door way metal growling behind him. "Daddy's being scary again daddy's being scary again" I ruffel his hair and laugh, honestly and happily. "Heya huni" He smiles back at me that beeming cute little smile where his cheeks giggle and his eyes sparkle and he leans over our young child to give me a peck on the lips.

"Ewwwwwww" the child wines from below us and runs away to find a new source of fun. The dinner is all laid out on the table as a special suprize for me and the kids almost as if sensed it waiting in the kitchen the middle child holding the youngest tightly in his arms. I lift them into there seats as the eldest clambers into his , and we sit and eat dinner as a family the dog no longer a puppy picking up the scraps the kids and my darling slyly feed him under the table.

This time his stomach a soft pillow in times of trouble and a cuddley blanket while sleeping, this time a reassurance and calming item. The idea of wedding no longer a fear but a thought of joy a day of great celebrations , and alot of booze all mixed into one. Josh all suited up with james his best man standing by his side calming his before wedding nerves with well thought out jokes and funny quotes. Me in the dressing room shaking with excitment , katie holding my hand and calming me with our drunken memories and a little glass of bubbly. And then the ceremony a planned and slaved over affair, of course of many arguments and stressful nights, but crafted to complete perfection to both of our unique tastes. The dog now familiar with the whole family, the boys trotting behind the youngest one jogging to keep up. There somewhat bigger now, 9,7 and 4 growing up to distinguish there personalitys. The eldest with a bush of hair just like his farthers same build and almost identical  sticking his tounge out at the youngest after a petty disagreement the middle child happily enteretained by the dog and his tail. The after party, a family and friends affair filled to the brim with bubbley and joyous moments. The dog bounding around with the children and the adults zipping around socilizing and drinking.

Us and the boys go out late into the night after wards, drunk and stoned off our minds of course after putting the children to bed and leaving the eldest with our numbers and strick instructions. We return exhausted, stumbling in being careful not to wake the children , all 4 of us crashing in the living room and watching jeresy shore or whatever spin off of it is around. The middle child wakes up, from a nightmare and comes downstairs hearing the noise. He watches a while until josh spots him and calls him in to sit on his lap. His farther runs his hands through his jet black hair and soothes him before taking him back up to bed and reading to him until he falls asleep. Returning downstairs to find all but me fast asleep and snuggles between my lathargic arms to kiss me goodnight and lay with me.

This time the arms caress me , stroke me , hold me never daring a violent move. Nursing my wounds and stroking my head , travelling over my body during passionate adventures and showing me nothing but care. In my mind passes to a far of place, the middle child venturing on his first day at secondary his elder brother having scared him silly with tales of his adventures. Josh drives me and him to his secondary and we all get out the car together the 11 year old resistant and 13 year old strolling comfterably ahead of us into the gate. The youngest bobbling along close to our heels telling us what he'll be doing in school today. Soon the middle child is tagging on his brothers heels not wanting to be embaressed by his parents who lavish him in hugs and kisses once over the school thresehold.

This time the leaps are healers filled with tender loving care, they kiss away pain and gently show me love. They soothe my moods and reassure. Then of course comes college for the eldest first, the stressing and panic of the grades now out the window , a smart kid top of his class , on most of the sports teams, almost the spitting image of the farther in not only looks but personality...just as cheeky..just as stubborn.. filled with a strong sense of teenage rebellion.  I hand him a bus map as he dosent want us  making him look like a baby on his first day, his farther looking on proudly as he walks out the door. Me fussing and him reminding me that he'll be fine and that he can look after himself. The 15 year old pushes back into the houses talking about leaving lunch which his farther reaches for laughing and goes on about how forgetful he was at that age. After the two elder boys have left we'll pry the youngest off his computer and tell him to go to school as parents do yelling at him to hurry up and get ready as his farther offers him a lift. The kid sheepisly wakes up and tries to hide the falling asleep part while sneeking down the hall.

This time the eyes... those eyes those deep brown eyes that look into your soul that tear up like oceans and convey nothing but the honest truth, the eyes that cannot lie and stare only to admire. And almost in no time at all the images hit the youngest now 19 off to univestiy to study a joint honours in game design and comic drawing. The middle child now twenty two paying frequant visits with his fiance and the eldest now rummaging in the fridge to cook up something for our family meal later that day. Josh comes down the stairs 3 spliffs in hand one for each of us as the youngest trots to the train station.

I think this is what love is meant to be like, not hte fear of the future but the embracement the inner piece and the comfort. The knowelege that its all honest that noone's playing games and that your heart is finally safe.... i think this is different ...different in the best sense that could ever be exprienced