Its not that i dont want to eat.. its that i cant

Its not that i dont want to eat. I do, infact i want nothing more to tuck into 15 hamburgers covered in cheese and dripping in fat. Its not that i dont want to consume anything at all its something much different much more complicated. I want to eat, i want to eat a million different things, i want pizza and sweets and chips and chicken, i want to eat and until i burst, until im completely full and cant eat anymore. Its not that i dont want to taste the delights and the varioutys presented to my pallet. Its that i cant, and thats what scares me. Ill buy the food and ill want to eat it, then and there ill want nothing more than to tuck in, but then i bite it and it dosent feel right. It feels like im doing something wrong, like im commiting some great crime. Like the act of chewing this and swollowing it will create some sort of great problem that will turn my life upside down and make everything wrong.

That one little nibble making my stomach wobble, at the idea of eating it all , at pushing the calories inside myself, knowing for well that one bite wont add pounds to my figure but suddenly fearing that at that very moment ill balloon in size and all my hard work will crumble at my finger tips because i got lazy and slipped up.

This isnt something i want, something i dream about becoming, i dont even think i want to be thin, its something more complicated, much more twisted and surreal. Its like im reaching for a handle on something, something that im getting all wrong. The signals in my brain proberly speaking to me, screaming to me to eat a little more but the language its speaking is long lost to me. The signals of malnurishment, seem to come as some reward some congradulation for my hard work.

I dont want this, i want to get out of this spiral, but it feels so good. This is something i can control, watch the numbers fly downwards on the scales. keeping to my goals not dancing outta control like everything else, this here is mine and noone else's and noone can change it. That number is my own, its still to high of course the lower it gets the better, like im playing some sick twisted game with myself.

How long before you heart stops ama?

How long before you've lost to much and someone realises your doing it all over again. You'll be better this time, you wont be found out, baggy clothes and practised excuses "im not hungry", "i dont feel well" , "i ate earlier".

Cross your fingers, and hope they dont work it out, put the pieces together. But maybe, maybe you want them notice, mayble you want them to help.

Because you want to stop this right, you want to stop this and be alright and be healthy but your stuck in it and it feels like this is were you belong watching the stones become pounds watching you waste away.

You'll look beautiful when your done ama, beautiful like a model. You'll be thin you'll be perfect, it will change everything cause you have control, it will change what people think of you because you can demonstrate that control so easily. Forcing the weight down forcing yourself into smaller jeans. 

One goal down, another created, but i thought you were gonna stop there. Yes so did i, but i have to go on. I cant give up now or what has it all been for. Its an obesssion ama you have to stop. i kno but i cant.. i want to eat.

Thats what scares me about this now, not that i dont want to eat beacuse i do , i want to stuff my face with everything that goes past me i want to feel the food going down my throat. I just gagged. Food is bad. Calories make you ugly and unwanted, its not about that , thats just a way your self hatrid presents itself. In food, in your aversion ot food to weight. Cause you want to be perfect.

Its not that i dont want to eat, not at all i want to eat everything, i want to taste every little thing, and thats what scares me its not that i dont want to eat.. its that i cant. i cant eat. And that terrfies me because it means its starting all over again.

Reviews

[larryb]

Well Cappi i hope you know you have a serious problem, you can eat, you can taste, all you need not to do is not over do it. Simple simple solution, you can taste and taste till the cows come home just do over do it....i hope you get your s**t together soon hun