Scream from the chorus of my heart

You add me back on facebook after every argument like you really want to fix things, only to do it all over again. i never accepted you cause im tired of this, we fight and then you act like nothing happend add me again with some little joke just leave this relationship is done, until you grow up and realise the world wont always be what you want hear im sorry, stop telling me im finding this all easy, that its all funny to me, that i dont care, i hate you for that, you should kno me better than anyone and you dont kno me at all. How can you look so confused when i wont hug you, when i dont say i love you too because i dont not anymore, you've hurt me over and over again, your like a kid and you cant hear anything but your own words going round and round your head. I hate you, and your steadily ruining any chance of that ever changing. So step back and leave me alone, dont try to reach out to me anymore, cause the moment you do we both kno you'll just turn around put some words in my mouth and accuse me of a selection of things, that anyone who knows me at all knows i dont think. Do i find this funny? Do i look like im laughing.... obviously in your eyes tears are laughter... i hate you so much, stop please, i dont want to hate i dont want to despise you , i still want to be able to tell my kids you were a great mother but its hard, when over and over again you just... keep doing this , and ill act like its ok because i have to because if im not ok then you were wrong right, and that will f**k with your head , your already fucked up manic depressive childish mental head.. so i cant even show you im your invincible child, the invincible child you never wanted , never needed , the child who ruined your life... Well im sorry ok , im sorry im sorry that you fucked my dad and i was born that wasnt my descion , i didnt ask that to happen so stop blaming me for my farther for the way he treated you , for the way he treated me, for anything to do with that, stop blaming me for changing your life... you never had to have me. Tbh ive spent days just lieing around wondering how many would benefit from me not being here, so its not like your the only one regretting my birth... just stop telling me how much of a selfish ungrateful little bratt i am , ive heard it all before but it wont stop hurting me because ive done nothing but try to make up for how much my birth ruined you, for how much my farther ruined you. i love you .. i love you and im sorry im not good enough. but you cant keep fixing things and then taking them away right at the last moment you cant turn to me tell me to hug you and then cry cause i wont, is it really that hard to see that your destroying me piece by piece that i can see in your eye the venom you keep throwing at me. You act like a hug means nothing without realising how terrfied your child is of human contact how the meaning of words like love burn me , how something as simple as holding anyone's hand reduces me to a quivering reflection of myself. Im scared of everything , but most of all im scared of you. Of your hatrid of your regret, of how much of it is centred around this fat ugly childd of your's this scum this , what the f**k am i but a waste of collection of unwanted feelings, the kid that is impossible to love. I fear it more than anything and you helped create it how can i expect anyone else to love me when my own mother casts me aside so easily to play with my feelings, to care when she feels fit.. dont you get that everytime you look at me and say you hate me and make friends the next day i wont forget that single time, every insult every memory there saved in my mind. And there killing me i cant look at you i cant touch you because i fear you'll just hurt me , break me , i dont even kno what it is anymore. But you think i really dont care that i could just so easily turn my back on you as you have on me, that i think i could read your  mind like you have me , pinpoint you work you out.. no because your a human, your not a book .. but thats all i am to you a book you've opened read over a few times and now your bored i have no new pages to you, you never even read what was written so far you realise, you read what i let you, the rest of the pages i glued together incase you realised i gave a damn. I let you see the burning anger, the pain the tears. The lashing out i let you see that because what difference would that make to your opinon the opinon you made of me at birth, mixing your psychotic episodes with my farthers pyschofrenic agressive.. thats all i am to you, a little version of the disablities , produced and forced together by your genes. You've never onced looked at me as a human, dont you think that hurts , that im just a doctors mirecal, a statstic just a number in your mind. Your waiting for the day i start talking to myself , the day i stop making sense just so you can say , well she did it bang on cue, you'll never say you lost a daughter if i die, if i die today you'll smile and you'll shrug and you'll say well atleast she lasted this long. But if anyone asks you who she was.. who will you say ... she was ama... thats all you really kno isnt it , just my name. You belive you kno everything.. but when it comes down to me thats all you kno Ama may f*****g cooper.

Call me cappi mum.. call me cappi its  my heartless alias and i dont want to give a s**t anymore...call me cappi just get more distant tell everyone i was cappi, just some nickname of the daughter you lost when you forgot i was a human being. When you just put me in a catogry , when you just stopped listening and heard your own words, when you stopped arguing with me and started arguing with yourself. There have now been times in arguments when ive said nothing to you, and you've carried on answering your questions for me the moment you've fhinshed your sentances.. like .. i dont have an opinon because after all what am i to you but a product of my dad and you, im nothing im noone, just a product, that means of course i cant feel my own way. I have to feel your way.. and of course you kno exactly that what that is you kno me back to front.

but you kno nothing

i am nothing

I will always be nothing.

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

A story that is very sad. I had AWOL (Absence without leave)parent. We can't allow the people who stays away to control our mind and heart. The good people who stood with you are the important people. A powerful story with great struggle. Cappi you are something. A powerful mind and ability to think with great skills. A sad ending to this story.
Coyote