Tonight i realise

Somethings missing i think to myself as my eyes wonder dully from side to side, not focusing on anything at all. There just like little ping pong balls swinging as sleep refuses to divulge my brain. Its round my head tho, i cant focus on the thought but something is missing inside me, some key , some explanation to the way my mind seeks darkness in even the happiest days.

I feel almost cold and not because its winter , cold in a much more errire sense , cold in the way that my heart seems to be pumping frozen blood diving like iced bullets thru my veins. I feel alone , and im aware people surround me , friends latch onto me even when i seem to push them as far away as possible. I cant loose people, its almost like there attracted to me, but still even when a room is crowded by these friends i still feel like somethings missing. Like some deep dark emptiness is clawing at my insides. 

Most would make the assumption that what im missing is the sweet tender emotion of love, but what is there to miss about such pain and agony. When such thing twists and burns into a loveless anger. Ive given up on such trivial matters , so that cant be it. Ive distanced myself from humanity and i think thats catching up to me. The way i lengthen my strides when walking amongst other's almost trying to out pace them, to loose them amongst the crowds of a busy street.

No-one knows the way my mind works, no-one needs to be that close to understand the way i click or how i feel. Just kno that you never really knew me and as i lie here i realize you never really will.

But dont pity me, dont pity me at all because i have something none of you have the ability to feel nothing. To be fully invincible to my emotions and to never let you close enough to hurt me. Im distant , but im safe, and you'll all grow to trust me so you'll never kno , never realize just how little you really know about the person your pouring your problems into . Not that i mind i pride myself of being able to help, to ease some suffering on others. BUt ill never reveal the anguish i go through just lying here alone, trying to shut my mind down and let it drift into and unease and nightmare haunted sleep. Because those are my problems and i am an eagle, and you are simply my chicks. I will protect you all , but the moment you try to return the favour ill spreadd my wings ill spark, ill scratch. Ill get protective and defensive because if i let you understand me, you'll be able ot hurt me. And im never, ever willing to let that happen again.

Reviews

[Jonathan Ballam]

This is very vivid and emotional, and I admire the guts you had at the time of writing this. There is a lot to work with here.

*smiles*

[Jibey]

Lol... I promise I don't want to know you!

Well describes the person that hunkers down under a mental bomb shelter...