Beautiful darkness

I stand before a mirror, my eyes locked with my own reflection. "Something isnt right tonight, it just dosent feel alright anymore" i say out loud. I look deep into the figure infront of me and for once in my life the word that springs to mind is beautiful and i dont question it, i just look on forward into myself and hope for some sort of explanantion. Im frozen in time by this parculiar thought, by the deep endless darkness of my eyes, and the delicate features of my tear struck face.

"Whats wrong with me" i stumble upon the words, tears chocking the sound. I dont kno what going on, i feel like ive spent the day walking through some fog, that seems to haunt and seduce all that crosses its path. Nothing feels real anymore like im in some sorta pre-planned video game that i was killed in. Watching the reply scene, almost expecting to see a knife blade behind me hacking slowly through me. To watch my sugar coated death on a endless loop, a enlonged video image stuck as the dust settles over a shineless cd.

The air is filled with an errie silence among a orchestra of noise. It dosent make sense, my mum plays her music in the front room but it sounds muffled to my dreary ears. Im floating away across an ocean , leaving the world behind locked in some sick staring match with a lost beauty. I dont understand i hate myself, i hate the way i look , i hate the way i think but i cant help but see an angel looking back into my eyes. Frozen like a rabbit in the headlamps before it takes a final breathe shattered hopelessly into road kill.

My breathe comes hard and fast, savourng the sweet taste of life with every exhalation almost as if something might snatch it from my tender frame. Almost as if my heart might suddenly explode and burst into a collection of angry streamers , running away from this sick fog thats consuming my mind. This time machine locking my feet in pace.

Somehow i pull away, my feet nolonger feeling the floor beneath them , just stepping , one foot after the other. Each step heavy and empty, falling through the floor in my mind. Sinking below the carpet into a sticky tarry mess. I walk toward my room my head dusting the wind from my ears, crossing the thresehold into some sort of safe heaven. But it dosent feel safe, it feels rich with uncharted danger the very walls screaming of some grave crime.

"Whats wrong with you" I ask myself in some faded hope of understanding whats going on, i burst into another flood of tears a sinking sadness taking hold of my mind. "I HATE YOU I F*****G YOU" i scream at myself consumed by the tortured demons.laying fist into fist upon my lost enitity, destroying , maiming. Eyes closed i dont want to walk in ths waste land anymore i want to find my feet. I fall to my knee's , my eyes covered in the red glow of anger , my hands claw at the floor enraged and trapped by my failures. "I want to be someone" The floor tainted by my salty extremites. I collapse, rocking , crying, screaming. "This just dosent feel real, this just dosent feel right , im just not myself" . But what if i never was what if i never will be. I feel like a robot walking someone's else's dream, walking a dream that lost its meaning. I want to wake up from the nightmare but the mist in my mind keeps me unconcious buried in a sick pain.

Slowly i calm extending into a flat position lieing face up agasint the celieing. 4 walls of silence i cant escape , nothing leaves my mouth but pained sobs. Sobs of torment, and final adimitance that i cant fight anymore. I blink but nothing clears no great sight bestows my eyes. Just the same old 4 walls, coated now in a sticky blackness that approaches me. I smell it , the thick lucrid taste of death, of anger , of pain. I reach out for help but all the hands once there have melted and fallen into the lonely darkness.

My hand grasps the silver blade. and i cry for i kno what ill do. Tears now empty of passion, drained of any meaning sit in the very core of my eyes, in the very of my soul. Willing someone to hear of my destruction. I grasp the blade tighter my nails grinding agasint the metal handle pulling it toward myself i sigh. It falls inside me gently , tearing cutting me apart. Its beautiful it feels wonderful as it sinks into my warm flesh as my precious liquid spills drop by drop upon the floor around me. I smile slowly as the fog fades as the angels dance demonic dances around my shattered thoughts. I let the knife take control winding its way along my chest , hacking , destroying make a pretty little mess from head to toe. The light becomes harder to focus on, my eyes falling shut, a strange dizzyness falling over my mind and then throught shaking lips i call "goodbye" and then i let the knife fall thru me to its chosen destination. My head lolls painlessly on my neck nolonger supported, only a dull thud as it falls agasint the concrete floor i lie upon. The fog clears and i lay lifeless agasint the bloody stone.

Reviews

[Matthew Ian Herrawood W]

WOW!!! ok so i havent finished reading it yet... who cares WOW!!! this is simply Amazing!!! you do need to read through it though withing the first minute you willl find 2 words next to each other missing a letter from each word

I dont kno what going on,

you need a "W" at the end of KNO and an "S" at the end of WHAT. I wouldnt say so much except this is a deep moving pice beautifuly written but the tiniest mistake seems to bring the reader out of the flow and ruin the story. so you REALLY NEED TO MAKE EVERYTHING RIGHT. this is simply amazing

[R.D.Scott]

Barring a few spelling mistakes, I find this beautifully written. You seem to have a natural way with putting these pieces together.

[Jibey]

You deal again with the theme of teeanage confusion and self-doubt, writing with feeling about the desire to end all a Hamlet-like consummation devoutly to be desired when life lacks clear purpose, then love seems to have fled the room, when only the mirror looks on with its stark appraisal...