A mental sickness i cant shake

I sit here on my roof contemplating many things. The meaning of life or simply my personal existance, and i never come to any conclusions at all, infact i often bring more questons to my head than where previously there. Its all these questions i think that are starting to drive me insane, starting to push me deeper and deeper into my own mind and further away from reality.

Although i still can draw the line between my hopes and dreams and the faliures that lay infront of me in true form. So mabye im not to far gone, mabye the fact that im sitting here in the cold runnign my hands through my hair is a good thing. Watching the city beneath me like some kind of silent movie my headphones turned all the way up , with only my thoughts for company. I lay back and let my eyes focus on the sky, the stars a vast mixture of patterns and twinkling lights and i realise how fully alone i actually feel. But im surrounded by people i have alot ofo friends, so it dsoent make sense this feeling like i dont belong. This cold emptiness inside i cant qute satisfy. Mabye there's something wrong with me, mentally , i mean people are meant to feel this way its not natural.

I feel sick. i always do when i get like this, when i cant seem to scrape happiness from anything, when everything becomes surrounded in this heavy black cloud. Its like i can escape it no matter where i try to look for distraction. I want it to rain, soi can cry. That sounds strange i suppose but when it rains noone can judge me, noone can see just how much im hurting , and no one can ask questions because the tears will just blend in and wont be noticed.

Breathe deeply i tell myself as i feel more and more nausious. I cant stand this, i cant stand this constant want to cry. But i have to because i have to be ok , i cant let this get to me, i just have to smile grit my teeth and act like im perfectly fine and just hope noone notices. My hands stroke the cold roof beaneath me, feeling the texture roll over my fingers. Its funny that how every little thing in this world has such a intriqet design, crafted and perfected for its every use.

Have you ever just looked at something as simple as the human eye? the way the iris winds it self playful around, almost like a tornado frozen by some invicible time keeper, the deep black pupil locked carefully in place in the centre. A black whole calling the colour to its emptiness.  Everythiing is like that if you inspect it, if you take the time to examine the world we live in , a rain drop a collection of water vapour shaped that shatters on impact with the cold hard ground. I find great beauty in the way a raindrop hits a flower, the colours reflected for only a moment before the water is pulled away by the force of gravity.

A loud noise distracts me from my thoughts. A young child running away from its mother who has just laid an agressive slap across its face.We live in a such a brutel world, so full of pain and suffering, of toture.  Where we are very much laid out and printed like lambs to the slaughter, unaware of when our final card will be turned. We are merely players eteched onto a board, playing a game we cant hope to win or lose,we take what is given to us before we deal another card and hope with bated breath that it will be our demise.
 

People say im intellegent for thinking the way i do , for understanding things that i see as basic ablity. But realy im not im a complete fool iving in a world im afaraid of and will never understand, because we are only human and lack the ablity to kno of the earths many secrets. Its not that i am intellegent at all , its that the human mind is intellegent, we all posses the same ablities, some of us just find them easier than others. Im not boasting here i belive myself to be a complete idiot, i have no natural intellegence at all i just have a way of weaving words to make it seem like i kno alot. But i kno nothing i am merely a child and the world is bigger than me.

Its getting cold now i think as the wind caues me to shiver slightly, but i feel no need to move yet, i find comfert in the darkness , the gentle buzz of our midnight city. Lamps begin to flicker , turning on in a strange mexican wave there light dancing freely across the pavement.

I sit up, and rest my head in hands. And i cry just like everynight my tears dancing across my face, offering no comfort to this agnoy inside. I just want to sleep i just want to close my eyes and not wake. I dont want to dream because my dreams twist and change into nightmares, bending atthe edges into my fears. Im tired of this , things i cant shake or edit just a horrible feeling like the worst is always upon me.

I try to smile. infact i do smile , i fake smile that noone ever needs to see thru. But inside im crying out to be saved from this, i just dont want anyone to hear. Because im invicible right, how many times have you heard my say it?. I can shape the world i live in with my mind, bend reality justa little bit to keep me ok , i dont have to look at the turht all the time i can sugar caot it for my benefit.

Im safe in a way, not from myself never from these nightmares these thoughts, but im safe from everyone else from being hurt. Because i create a barrier that wont let people, a barrier that will destroy any that venture close enough. I stand, the sickness becoming to much for me, i almost want to stick my fingers down my throat and make self sick , ill loose some weight in the process aswell. Its for the best but i wont i wont repeat old habits. I stroke my arm, filled with scars from the past. Old habits die hard i wont pick them up again.

Let me run a while longer, let the wind by my guide. I stand at the edge of the roof now, alone and no clearer about anything than when i first climbed onto a roof when i was 12 years old and stared out upon the scene beaneath me. I bend my legs and i jump and feel free once again, bounding from roof to roof, running away from the only enemy ill never be able to fuly defeat. Running away from the ghost of myself, the ghost i never want to admit exists. I am invisible , my soul is deeply hidden and i wont let anyone near it.

Author's Note

Its the truth say what u want..

Reviews

[Ashentara]

hate to say this but it would be easier to read and comment on if there weren't so many typos. Could you try and proofread it?