I confess

A letter to a lover no longer there

 

You have showed me that i didnt need to make something of myself to have you care about me, that i was special simply as who i was not some carbon copy or fake. But i had a problem that i think you saw right into at that time because you solved it, but im already to far into these lies to stop, but i never lied to you about anything and im not even talking about lieing in the sense of saying something that isnt true. I mean pretending to be someone else, protecting the real me. i did at first but i let you in you kno that, you broke thru that wall and you found the real me and you kept her safe. While i was with you i had no need to defend her because for first time in my life that shy little girl felt safe and secure, and it was your arms that gave her that feeling, but now im back in that dark and lonely place that i was before i met you, spinning this web of relatiy that ive knotted myself up in just to get away from it all to keep that little girl out of harms way. Coating her in this sickly matrieal that i cant free her from alone. And why do i do it you say, to make myself feel better is the answer , to see if people even care that im becoming someone else, that im fading away from relatiy once more. I think i solved it with you i knew you cared, so i didnt have to make sure you did but its not like that with everyone else im never sure of there motives or what there thinking , im never sure if i can trust them belive them understand them. Or if there laughing at me behind my back. Its hard not knowing if peopel really mean what they say if they really care, but your not like everyone else, i belived everything you told me and to this day i cant even think why, you where just special like that and now im scared and alone, im scared you wont come save me when the last pebble falls, when im standing on the edge crying my eyes out i kno your not gonna be there to wipe away my tears and stand me up again and that terrifies me because your the only person ive ever known with that ablity, the only person ive ever admitted everything to, the only person who really knows whats goign thru my head the majority of the time. Ive told you i need help, you kno how hard that is for me, that is how much i trusted , trust, belive in you. And ive basically gone and ruined all that by not just listning to you, by trying to hard to prove a false reality that you simply had enough of my games, and my constant fighting wiht myself. So ive gone back to who i was before i met you constantly hiding in the shadows for fear of getting seen, where noone will ever kno who i really am, playing all these false smiles and large grins and hiding the tears that are building up sunami's behind my eyes, just pretending nothign hurts. You saw thru all of that but your not even looking anymore, you've turned a perminant blind eye to me, your not even my friend these days, you dont listen im nothing to you just a shadow of the past a x girlfriend who fucked up and lost not only your love, but further down the line your freindship aswell. Rest easy tho i do love you but i wont chase you , there's nothing for you to fear, not this time. Im tired of chasing impossible dreams , of following angels into the clouds ill let you float freely this time because i want you happy and if never seeing my face again makes you so . Your wish is my command. Ill just sit back and act like it dosent bother me because after all i am cappi, cappi the invincible and you are the one i desire to please x

Author's Note

...lets see now