Writin my own grave

a thoughful piee from my own mind nothing special and written for none but myself think what you will about it

Im afraid. I lie in bed each night just watching the shadows drift along the ceiling , just trying to gather my thoughts so that they meet at some logical conclusion. But they never do not really , they just send me round in circles back to the beginning of a hopeless loop that ill attempt to tackle again the next night. But what happens if i never do quite reach that conclusion, if i spend night after night chasing the end to these thoughts and it never comes. And sooner or later it will consume my days aswell just lieing there almost as if the darkness in my mind has killed me in real life aswell. Ive never been strong, ive never been confident but ive always fought alone, or so until i met you, the need to depend on someone something i grew to despise so much in younger years. A desperate desire to be alone and to be free from having this weakness that im now consumed by, a weakness that i cant help but think you created. Mabye you didnt mabye deep down ive always been this lonely but now that i have something to compare it to its driving me into ground. And what to do with it , i can hardly lie here being afraid forever, feeling this empty and vunerable and knowing that, that space will never really be filled. I sometimes loose track of time here, contemplating every little thing not that times something i have much of a gauge on these days. Sometimes i think ive sat here for minutes and i look at the clock and find out its been more like hours, time ticking away pointlessly as if at some point it will reach some strange futuristic goal. Of course it never will time is a constant, it dosent change and is never edited by anything around it, it just keeps on going and going and going forever. Forever what a stupid word, its used so loosley and i dont think anyone quite takes into account just how long foever is, and how impossible some things are such as to love someoen forever, its not a possible concept because people die and people change and your love itself can be false and twisted by something as simple as sexual desire or the want to be in love. That sounds stupid i kno but there is such thing as to want to be in love, its what most people mistake for actual love, being in love with the concept of love itself the happiness apparntly generated. But love in itself is rare i mean if you truley loved you dont stop , the feeling dosent just turn off or die its not a tap it cant be manipulated like that it dosent just dance between peopel it stays put. Those who have felt love i pity you , because right now as disgusting as it is i pity myself , self pity is not admirable it is destable. but it is true im drowning in self pity. I pity those that are able to give to someone quite so strongly , that never even see the end because there blinded by whats infront of them or more to the point what they belive is infront of them. What realy is infront of them is a cruel game of there emotions strung along loosly by there desperate want to belive that what they have is real. i close my eyes as i write this willing myself to stop thinking , to stop caring to stop loving but i kno that no matter how many times my eyes close when i open them nothing will of changed, i wont have had some deep mental switch of thoughts that means i nolonger want you because this is love , and they say you never kno , you cant be sure oh but how sure i am. How sure i am that i was meant to be with you forever. Its sadenning but everyone has a soul mate, but that dosent guarentee that your soul mate will also have you down as there soul mate, it will be pure luck if that happens and you my friend will be the happiest person on earth , so lucky so damn lucky. Im laughing now a strange manic laugh , you kno the one you hear of in films that inmates of a mental asylum are heard to cackle, mabye im going insane, mabye im going to loose it mabye you really really have deafeated. Destroyed hte person who was always ok, to a point where that lie is so far from the truth that not one person can even belive it anymore because my deterioration is evident in everything i do. My lack of interest in things i once injoyed , my genral loss of appiteat. Sooner or later people will stop notcing because it iwll just become normal because thi sis now another constant this feeling of utter abondement this feeling that noone s really there for anymore and im just floating uneeded and unwanted in a world ill never belong in. You anchored me deep into soil, soil i never asked to be a part of i dont remeber it being part of deal. That you would love me forever na dalways look after me.. not that you wud anchor me and tether me to a world i cant fit into without you, because  well you made me who i am and now... its corny but its true, you made me who i am and you gave me something but the thing is you also took it away. And now forever am i lost to lie here afriad and alone never ever solving this question in my mind . What Ama. What on earth are you going to do?.. Now that you really and honestly do have nothing left?

and by the end of all this the answer seems to plain and clear to me. Nothing. Ill just lie here , ill lie here and get colder until noone even remebers my name until all that i ever have is your name repeating round and round my head, like that constant time that just came to a sharp and sudden end in my head.

R.I.P Ama may suyinka lillian cooper

Author's Note

This is somewhat my own sppech at my own funeral