Boredom - chapter 5

All that is in the past now, im well aware of that. Im living in no dillusions. I see my life for all it is and all i fear it will ever be. They say you shud always look on the bright side of life, but when there is nothing bright about it at all , when its all become a some what painful monotnous existance i find that somewhat hard to do.

Im not depressed, or atleast i dont think i am. I smile and i dont belive that im faking them just belive that perhaps my life could be a hell of alot better. But im here for a reason, and the life i now live is all due to my own mistakes and bad luck. I lost my sweet dear lucy due to my lack of fighting for her, for just letting her slip through my fingers and never showing the vaugest intrest in her life. It wasnt that i didnt care or wasnt interested , i loved when she came home from court and would tell em all those stories of the criminals she had placed behind bars. I just didnt kno how to show my interest , i wasnt one of those men very comfterable in showing emotion. I loved her i really did but i cudent tell her for some strange fear in me stopped me ever informing her of that, almost like the words themselves would poison me.

I remeber the first and last time i told her i loved her. It was on our wedding day  she looked amazing. In a bright blue dress that flowed neatly over her slim frame. Her pale complexion such a strong contrast to such a passionate colour. Id never seen her look so beautiful. Her eyes drawing me closer and closer i hardly heard her name uttered from the vicars mouth and i definatly didnt say the right thing.

"i love you lucy i f*****g love you"

The church had gone deadly silent and she looked almost stunned. I flushed a bright red colour and retreted inside my head some what out of pure embarssement for what id just uttered. I looked at the vicar and cleared my throat.

"I mean i do.. i do"

At that point lucy grabbed hold of my hand, and smiled her beautiful smile, revealing her pearly white teeth.

"I love you 2." she whispered

I didnt hear the rest of the ceremony. Her words sinking into me , i must of answered the vicars words because everything went as planned. I must of ran the whole thing on auto because my mind was stuck focusing on the way her lips had formed those 4 words.

If only in all that time id told her once again how much i loved her. She never wud of left, if only id be able to open up and display more obviously my emotions. But i was and still am a closed case , a cold stone sitting deep buried under the ground, that no human being can possibly un bury. I loved my lucy i still do and i dont think i will ever stop. If i could perhaps rewind back time to just before she told me she'd had enough of my emptyness.. and just fought for her, not just sat there signed the papers and let her go. She would of stayed if id fought for her but me being me lacked the energy for anything more than sitting around doing nothing but twiddling my thumbs.