Mental diary - 4th july 2009

Nothing speical just like a mental diary

You find somethings are not so easy to forget. Or that you cant stop thinking about certain things or certain people. Things that you should of stopped thinking about a long time ago and things that have in some way hindered your life in some shape or form. I think to call it hinderance is perhaps to strong but im sure you can make a rough gathering of the kinda thing im talking about. Or if you've read any of my previous work put the mental images together beause i do only write about myself or my emotions. I never find reason to right about anything else perhpas i shoudl one day. But i tend to right front the heart or personal exriences hence the link to my morbid outlook on life and my morbid poetry.

But i find now that im constantly stuck in a spiral of which i cant quite escape. Its not something i find knew ive stuggled with feelings of depression since intellegnent thought but never thought anything of it.But it worries me somewhat how easily this persific problem can change my mood and how much of an effect upon my life it is actually having. I fell in love and for me that a amssive deal because im one of those people who cant really attach myself to people and has distanced myself for emotional attachement issues. I dont liek to get close to people , i dont lke to confide ni people and i dont let people in. but i did indeed fall in love with a guy and i let him in to a stupid amount and left myself vunerable to destruction. And this was just one person but i did indeed build my world around him and it was foolish for where as was falling  in love. He was falling in love with the conept of being in love itself.

In the end we parted ways and i never have moved on despite how much he tells me i shud of or that things are now differnt between us. Orgianally we where planning on getting back together or so he said whether that was a simple lie i dont actually kno or if he simply said it make the break up seem less harsh on me , i guess tha twas the most likley case. Funny how even now im still waiting even kno things are so painfully different between me and him that these farfetched dreams are just that.

Ive deicided tho... knowing forwell that i cannot willingly love agian because i wont allow myself that i will be his forever as foolish as that is. I cant quite face the pain of falling in love all oer again to have my heart torn from inside and stamped on a good few times. He realy does rule my world despite not knowing this when he talks to me for a small amount of time without even anything meaningful he makes me smile. Alot . More than anyone else has ever managed and when he says little jokes that he means no harm by they sink deep and its a curse i cant quite understand becaus ei dont want to  lvoe him anymore. He's a great friend but loving him is painful because i kn ohe'll never love me, he never did i dont think.

Well this constsant stream of thought has led me reminice thinking back to the times i could of sworn i meant something to him now im just another girl he lost intrest in and found friendship with later on. He's with someone else now , someone that he finds or atleast seems to find to be his perfect match and thats the way things will stay and while he is happy despite it killing me then i am happy for him because i want nothing more than , that his happiness.

I lost his trust tho and that hurts. My trust in other people was never anything to admire, i cudent do it to belive in someone to put your life in someones hands. but i trusted him adn i let my life fall into his hand snad he let go and let me hit the floor problem was i let him in and then started to think it wud be ok to do the same to others. And its teh others i chose to let in who fucked it up for me, and on a loop i fucked up for telling them and thinking i could trust them. Becuase now ive lost his trust and that hurts so much more than any pain ive previously recived and it will hurt more than any pain i possibly can incure... because i love him as a best friend, as a lover and as a person and his trust is what made me beliv ei was worth something to the world... without it i go back ot being nothing, noone just another useless f**k taking up precious air and food.

But  illl do my best to earn it back no matter how hard i have to try or how dangerous it will be. I  would take my lfie him i would kill for him. So getting his trust back is jus a little task that i feel its my duty to do.

so thats it the wya my mind works.. the way my fucked up mind works.. screwed over by nothing really other than myself and my heartbroken words. I lost the trust long after we broke up tho that wasnt why it ended that was never made clear. But the trust i need because you shud be able to trust your friends. So let me fight on even if it destroys me.. ill have him back to some extent, mabye not the way i want him .. but in a way that he can depend on me once more.