Leonis

Sitting here upon the roof were you first held my hand it finally dawns on me. Physically and third dimensionally you have truly left me, no amount of voice messages and desperate calls to your cell phone lieing abandoned in your room will ever be heard by your lifeless corpse. You will never pick up that phone, no matter how much i demand or plead with the cosmos for some kind of intervention you will not return to me here. But honestly i cant quite physically digest that idea of you no longer present in this dimension , not if i must remain here alone thereafter. 

Leonis...Without your guidance what is it your expect me to do? I mean i know what you desire of me and somehow think me accomplishable of but your faith and belief in me i forever told you was undeserving and i could never be anything as brilliant as you. I am afraid without you, and the longer you are gone the more scared i get. I cannot explain it and i feel silly for trying. Nor is it your fault or do i expect you to do anything about it. I just have to say it, I have to voice it in some way or ill go insane.

I cannot even blame you, i understand completely even before your final words had reached my ears. And i want you to know that any anger i feel is never directed your way. I am angry though i cannot deny that either i am furious but only for selfish reasons and i should not dwell or entertain my frustrations.

I'm rambling, im not sure to what end either you'll never read this, but somehow it eases my pain a little to write to you even if you will never receive the words. I would of done anything , i hope you know that , if i had known. I wonder now if i had not been so guarded and defensive if i had not been so fearful of affection could i have in some way prevented your own isolation. I am sorry leonis, there are words on my tongue that i should of spoken years ago. Words i had locked with chain and key for what reason to what gain?

Even now the breathe in my lungs catches as my lips mouth your name its all a lot to take in you know, never mind when other people say it. I get these flashbacks of you there wonderful though i probably should be more concerned about that, but you know me the kid that never gave a s**t about anything right.... right... leonis... right.. never gave a s**t about anything but you.  Because...well leonis, because i was inlove with you..

Words, words that should of left my lips, i still remember you last request. The way i looked away briefly held you hand and stood silently for a moment. The way you squeezed mine "I understand my love, its just to hard...you feel too much and it terrifies you" and then you kissed my forehead and laughed the biggest and boldest laugh ever. "Why so shy firefly? breathe in the universe come let's watch the sun set over London tonight". You were always so understanding so patient .. and gentle most of all that stood out to me.

Your gentleness was one id never received before, in a world harsh edges and rigid reality i had never felt something so honest, there was nothing malicious about you despite your blood line nothing in the slightest. I want you to know that you were amazing in every sense. My best friend.

I think i went off track, as always rambling little cappi your lost little rainbow child always planning another adventure. Alex looks just like you, the same piercing eyes he is staying with your brother and growing up happy and healthy. I feel you know this anyway i feel you, sometimes, and i hear you singing at night when i cant sleep. I know you wouldn't completely leave. I will guard him with my life you know lenois he's all i have now you do not need worry for his security and i will teach him everything you taught me, i will be gentle and i will make both you and him proud.

I miss you though alot. Sometimes when i walk down the street, or im at work i see you its weird its as if your face materializes before me  or i hear your voice or you singing, and i turn around and its gone or it was never there. I guess im going crazy. Manifesting your specters for my own comfort perhaps. Unless it is you. I hope it is you. Again maybe this should concern me more.

Okay ive run out of words, i just had to say something. I guess im heading home now.... home funny that .. i guess your home now aye. That's a pleasant thought.

Reviews

[knapp darko]

i really liked this story, kept me hooked from start to finish, I love you use of words such as ''Even now the breathe in my lungs catches as my lips mouth your name its all a lot to take in''- great writing and look forward to reading more of your work in the future, interesting stuff