Strangled by imaginary acquaintance

Can I dream of a lie? 

Can I truely be so hooked upon non-existent dreams of a falsehood of such decrepid perfection? 

Am I honestly just another silly girl caught up in this demonic fascination? 

The anger agasint this curse, how easily it has overtaken me, I scream out for good reason within my own mind that I be such a pathetic soul so misled by a recurring nightmare that relentlessly refuses to be forgotten. Against my better judgement I have confessed defeat a million times, my hands forever locked above my head in a desperate plea for mercy any weaponry long ago discarded to the floor. The fight in a once strong warrior stripped away alongside my very honor.

This is a game I never asked to play, pulled along by a foolish desire, searching for some comfort to the pain of sanity. I reached out for a savior from the darkness and her hands, they tricked me. She built me up on false pretenses, reassured me of my worth with meaningless figures. I took them as facts embedded them into my mind and relentlessly lived out the laws they projected.

I am lost. Gone like the wind endlessly drifting further away. The world a vague blurred image submerged within her voice. That lengthy echo around my head, seduced almost by her murderous affections. 

Perhaps somewhere along the lines this was a choice, an option, but take me for no fool if only I had known of the addiction, the thrill, the way that desperate run for control will only give way to further instability.

I was blinded by the placebo of happiness so long denied I never fully remembered what it tasted like. Confused by the rush of chemicals emitted by my imaginary success. My own desperation for achievement, for control, for perfection bundled together alongside a cauldron of self hatred. I fueled her. Harboring in my head an environment suited perfectly to her growth. She took me over and I was energized by it, a child not quite sure of my own movements calling out from my bad dreams, desperate for a purpose. Not yet strong enough to fight off the affliction, not yet sure that fighting would of been in my best interests.

I plead for some understanding that this was nowhere as willing an infection as you assume, id meant only to dip my feet , dabble a while and retire to the shore, but found myself carried away on a wave. My wishes were long forgotten and taken over by such dangerous demands, commands that became impossible to disobey through no choice of my own. The control id grasped for dangled in front of me a bypass for her cunning disguise. For time enough Id honestly believed that I was the wielder of a great and immense power, that the control had finally been thrust into my fingers, but i was deceived in the cruelest fashion. Forced through mere hallucinated prize to hand my own will power over to her devilish delights. I let her wonder freely through my mind unafraid of her power at first, embraced her tender encouragement. 

Perhaps I was even happy at the start, perhaps I was so far under her spell before it all even began. Perhaps I am even deserving of this, taunted by the recollection of a phantom no longer dormant within my mind. If in fact this is all created by my careless actions then how could I dare speak a word of it to another ear. This silly delusion that plagues my every moments is punishment for my own stupidity. The curiosity and desperation in which I pursued relief from incessant insecurity led me here and for shame I dare not look to others for guidance. I could not for all the honor and self respect that I have managed to salvage lay bare such a great failure on my part.

I armed her with weapons to tear apart my own army, gave her the intricate workings of my mind and let her weave within the chromosomes of my mind a brain wave of destruction. I shall not ask for comrades. This is a war I must fight alone. No one's shoulder shall bear the burden but mine. A battle that must be won for sanity or lost with equal lack of interference.

I shall go down with the ship and drown in the acidic remains of my overthrown kingdom. 

Reviews

[Mish]

This passage gives me a feel of an aromatically controlled mind of severe dementia not knowing what is real and what is a lie, the atmosphere you built up is enticing and beautifully written. almost a romantic torment